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Friday, September 19, 2008

McCainathon!

I promised a GOP convention update within a fortnight, and like a bad pizzeria, here at DOUI, we deliver! So, without further adieu (which is a French word, meaning "nearly a fortnight") here are the things you may have missed at the Republican Convention.

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Things You May Have Missed at the 2008 Republican Convention


  • President Bush was sent to an undisclosed location for the duration of the convention.*
  • Rudy Giuliani and his latest spouse were caught recreating the limo scene from No Way Out.
  • Sarah Palin skinned a beaver with a only a Ginsu knife and a Grill Daddy...whilst wearing high heels and fishnet stockings.
  • Mike Huckabee was mugged by a gang of Mormon toughs.
  • Fred Thompson filmed three Law and Order episodes while waiting to make his speech
  • Mitt Romney's speech consisted of little more than the former Massachusetts Governor pacing back and forth and muttering, "Sarah Palin??? What's wrong with me, dammit?"
  • Keith Olbermann, Chris Matthews, and Joe Scarborough had a collected 54 "hissy-fits" during the convention. There were at least two wedgies delievered amongst the MSNBC crew not counting the permanent one Olbermann wears.
  • During his speech, Joe Lieberman announced that he had a special message for his former colleagues in the Democratic party. He then mooned the television audience.
  • Barack Obama showed up on stage and asked when he was going to get a turn to speak.
  • Rush Limbaugh body-surfed the crowd between speeches and was occasionally heard shouting, "Mind the wingnuts!"
  • Jon Voight did an impression of Alec Baldwin** that consisted primarily of the orangutan part from Dunston Checks In.
  • John McCain gave a serious beat down to his North Vietnamese captors on stage with a Louisville Slugger, then held up the broken bat and announced to the nation that "Obama was next."

* Dick Cheney was seen manning the doors of the facility with a sawed-off shotgun and a duck whistle.
** I thought it was Alec Baldwin. It may have been John Edwards.