If you're not Donald Trump, check out our archives below. If you are Donald Trump, fix your hair before you do that. Please.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Trending Cowboys

One of yesterday's trending topics on Twitter was #failedwesterns (highly influenced by RiffTrax personnel's participation) . My contributions to the "genre" for what it's worth:

  • The Man from Yonkers
  • A Fistful of Safety Pins
  • Gilligan Rides Again
  • The Tootist
  • Butch Sassidy and the Prancing Kid
  • The Man Who Punk'd Liberty Valance
  • True Spit
  • The Naked Burr
  • 3:10 to Punxsutawney
  • The Great Bedpan Robbery
  • High Goon
  • Duel on the Veranda
  • Annie Get Your ShamWow
  • Oneida '73
  • Not So Little, Not So Big Man
  • Night Raiders of the Hamptons
  • Bend of the Liver
  • The Cinnamon Kid
  • The Naked Purr
  • The War Stationwagon
  • Johnny Marimba
  • Johnny Sousaphone
  • The Stapler that Won the West
  • Pale Biker
  • Backgammon in the Sun
  • Intervention at the OK Corral
  • Scrapbooking at the OK Corral
  • The Left Handed Teletypist
  • Ride Winsome
  • Rio Bravo! Encore! Bravissimo!
  • Ride the High Country, starring Cheech and Chong
  • A Fistful of Wieners
  • For a Few Donuts More

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Tuesday, July 14, 2009

On a clear floor, you can see forever...

...or at least to the street, 1,353 feet below.

The Sears Tower's glass balconies* are certainly breathtaking, but what happens on days when they have to cleaned? Can you imagine a window washer going up there? Suppose then someone has to take them out for awhile?

"No, no... they're there, they're just hard to see. Why would someone remove them? Here, I'll step out and show yooooooooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuu (distant, sickening thud)."

Hopefully, they can just rig one of those remote toy helicopters and a large bottle of Windex.

*Which is better than the DOUI office's air balcony. Fortunately, we're on the first floor.

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Sunday, July 12, 2009

Proof that things at Newcastle United have gone bananas

Behold Newcastle's 2009-10 away strip. Perfect for inspiring dozens of obscene songs from Championships sides next season, many of them involving urine.*

Here are twelve excuses Newcastle United might offer for this monstrosity.

  • The uniform design was chosen to honour their new sponsors Chiquita Bananas.
  • They were supposed to be violet, but the red ink cartridge ran out on the ink jet in the team office.
  • Owner Mike Ashley suggested the colour based on something he saw on the ground after a few too many at a match.**
  • Someone suggested that if United's players looked like cowards, they might sneak up on some of the stronger Championship sides.
  • Newcastle Brown Ale wanted something close to the shade of its product. Unfortunately, they meant before it entered the body.
  • The uniforms were coated with a radioactive substance in hopes they will give players super-mutant powers.
  • They hope that opposing players will fall into a hypnotic trance, giving Newcastle an extra two or three shots on goal per game.
  • Players are camouflaged to look like the sun. This will cause opposing players to look away for fear of blindness. The fans are on their own, though.***
  • Awful uniforms are the perfect distraction from awful football.
  • Yellow is secretly Alan Shearer's favourite colour.
  • You try designing a uniform with 50,000 screaming Geordie fans outside your office.
  • Total apathy on the part of the design staff ...Just like some of the players.

*As an Arsenal fan, I really don't care all that much. I have great sympathy for the pain of Geordies' faced with one or more years of second division football, but I'm also happy Wolves are up in the Premiership, so things have balanced out for me, personally, FWIW.
** It was a match against Arsenal, if you must know.
*** Bonus: Many English referees will be unaffected, having lost their sight in referee school.

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