If we wanted to use more than 140 characters, we'd be writing more here.

Friday, March 10, 2006

Crapfest Revisited! A Look Back at the Oscars Show


As you can probably tell, we're still recovering from the (self)lovefest that is the Academy Awards and our Live Blog of the event (see below for details). I myself am still working out a pulled eyebrow and a sprained rib from the event.

Oscar night was a profound disappointment. First, Jon Stewart was nowhere near the kind of risk-taker people hoped he would be. Other than slightly irritating George Clooney, who responded with the kind self-important, indignant, and mock grandiose acceptance speech that we humourists live for (Thanks George!), and inspiring Tom Hanks to expletives - admittedly no mean feat there - Stewart was largely in awe of his audience. I kept expecting him to stop during a segueway and ask for either Jack Nicholson's autograph on his cummerbund or a laphug from Keira Knightley. At least there were a few nice video pieces with convincing commentary from Stephen Colbert.

The show itself was frankly bizarre. Dolly Parton's musical number was sparely staged and wisely reliant on her boisterous personality and still-gravity-defying busom...the woman looks like she has two moons in geostationary orbit around her. However, the next song, The Love Theme from Crash, was staged on what looked like a rejected scene from Robert Wilson's production of Death Destruction & Detroit. The smoke, wrecked cars, street people, and flames had all the ambience of Beiruit, circa 1985. Finally, the staging of It Ain't Easy Out Here for A Pimp, looked like it was thrown together about midway through Stewart's opening monologue. It was like The Little Rascals deciding to put on a show, only in the 'Hood and without almost any trace of melody or harmony. Naturally, this song won the Oscar.

The rest of the show was dreary on-stage banter (Ben Stiller's mildly amusing bit, and the one joke makeup award notwithstanding) punctuated by lengthy and only mildly logical film respectives. Even the annual tear-jerking look back at all the film people who'd snuffed it in the prior year felt lifeless (no pun intended). Still, even the nearly random collage of great film clips was better than watching actor after actor stumble up to the stage and fake their way through the insipid prescripted patter. Lauren Bacall brought one moment of sympathy when she seemed unable to read the autocue. I think after a moment people realized she wasn't halting and squinting at the lines because of poor eyesight, but because she was thinking to herself, "They want me to read this crap? If Bogie were alive, he'd crack their pelvises in half with a pool cue!"

In the end, the only drama was what little the awards themselves provided. Crash's victory over the wildly trumpeted sheep-herders-with-a-difference drama Brokeback Mountain was a genuine shock, if only because the vast majority of film critics and observers insisted it would win because "Hollywood loves gay cowboys!" Clearly, the realisation that these blokes were merely randy sheep ranchers soured the Academy, who promptly sheared them of the award.

So the stage is set next year for a comeback. Who will host? I'd say Stephen Colbert has the lead right now, followed by the insidious SpongeBob Squarepants. Jon Stewart, a genuinely funny person, has been relegated to the David Letterman and Chris Rock retirement home for talented one-time Oscar hosts who didn't suck up enough to the film big-wigs. The trouble is, Jon pretty much did.

Stew's Motion (Picture) Monologue


I will look the other way no longer. For years now I have turned a blind eye to the films of Shawn and Marlon Wayans. I don't know if it was out of deference to their slightly more talented siblings Damon and Keenan Ivory or what, but I can go on no longer. These pseudo-Wayans latest attempt, Little Man, is the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back. As a matter of a fact, if I was a camel I would probably want my back broken so I could avoid going to see it. You get the idea. The two demi-Wayans brothers seem to have finally hit rock bottom and are apparently trying to drag Keenan Ivory down with them. Who knows, maybe he just wanted another directorial film credit, that's what I'm hoping.

Little Man isn't really a film as much as it is a cry for help from the two mock Wayans, and let's hope these two get the type of psychiatric counseling they need. The movie, if I can use the term loosely, concerns Shawn's character's desire to have a child. Due to various rambuctious carryings-on and high jinks, Shawn mistakes Marlon, playing a diminutive criminal, for his newly adopted baby. At this point in a comedy review I would sarcastically write "with hilarious results", however I can't bring myself to do it with this film even though I haven't seen it, will not see it, couldn't be dragged by horses to see it, and won't even let Zimpter whisper it to me.

Don't get me wrong, I have liked some of their past work. Their time on In Living Color and movies like I'm Gonna Git You Sucka were well spent and they seemed on a path to some semblence of a respectable comedy careers. Even the twenty minutes of Scary Movie I saw had a glimmer of hope but it all came to a crashing halt when they did White Chicks. The sight of these two in drag is enough to make you loose your lunch, much less your respect for them or what they might be trying to do onscreen.



The final verdict on the movie? Who cares?!! Let's just all try to move on with our lives at this point and try not to give these guys any of our money. If worse comes to worse, there's always work at the post office.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

A disgraceful name that must be changed!!!!

I read this week that the Major League Soccer franchise "Houston 1836" has changed its name to "Houston Dynamo." The original name "1836" was selected by fans in an online poll, and was offered as a choice because it was the founding date of the city of Houston. Those who know football, know that this is a common naming convention among teams, such as Germany for instance (Hannover '96, 1860 München, und Farfenugen '73) .

However, a Spanish-language paper in Houston pointed out that 1836 is also the year that Texas was illegally formed out of a portion of the great nation of Mexico, and also the year that Santa Anna's Mexican army was routed by those same Texan seccessionists. So, obviously, it had to go. (Obviously, all those fans were gringo-supremacist dupes, the gits!)

Though I myself am of different origins, I am with you my brothers and sisters! We can not stand up for such an affront to one's nationality, even if we are technically Americans by citizenship. We are not citizens of this country so we can merely turn around and spit upon the heritiage of the nations of our fathers and forefathers and the luscious women they hooked up with!

However, you do not go far enough mi Hermanos y Hermanas Mexicanos! ¡No, usted no va lejos bastante de hecho!

The new name is still the Houston Dynamo! Is not Houston the name of that oppressor, pig general who, by reminding everyone of the offensive and rude way in which these Texican rebels splattered the fine uniforms of Mexican soliders with blood at that nasty little mission (The Alamo, I believe it was called) in San Antonio, drove them to insanely conquer that fine and upstanding Mexican army and carve Texas out of what would today be Tamaulipas Norte, Nuevo Coahuila, y Chihuahua Del Este??

How can we stand in the face of this insult, long overdue for repayment??? If the stench of the year of our misery, our humiliation, and indeed our extreme redistricting must be forever excised from our glorious nostrils, how then can we stomach the fact that the name of the wretched Stetsoned brow that conquered our great empire should be allowed to remain unmolested on the t-shirts, mugs, tickets, ball caps, thongs, and giant novelty sombreros that this franshise sells to OUR community!

Therefore, I demand that the so-called Houston Dynamo be immediately renamed, at great expense and with mucho publicity, to the Bayou City Dynamo!!! (Bayou City is the nickname of the town currently referred to as "Houston.") However, even this is not enough to repay the grevious and altogether cheeky insult to our glorious national pride!

I hereby demand forthwith that the city of Houston be renamed from the nasty moniker of that opportunistic little cowpoke to "La Ciudad Real del Americanos Mexicana" (in English, The Royal City of Mexican Americans) or CRAM for short, which would look spiffers in all the Rand-McNally Atlases!!!!

If these demands are not met, then I call upon all peoples of Mexican descent, including those of us who may have wandered through Mexico on our way from Guatemala, Honduras, Panama, Tierra Del Fuego, Islington, Ashburton Grove, Ealing, and Sudbury, to rise up and march upon the city government of this so-called Houston!! We shall block your streets! We shall hamstring your public works! We shall make piñatas out of your fancy streetlights, already!!!

Even after you give in to these demands, our thirst for justice and street theatre will not be quenched! We therefore demand that the government of the United States give back the states of Texas, Nuevo Mexico, Arizona, and the really good parts of California, Colorado (Vail, particularly) and for good measure Western Louisiana, to the great nation of Mexico!!!!

¡¡¡Viva El Mexico!!!
¡¡¡¡Viva La Tamaulipas Norte!!!!
¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡Viva las correas y las sombreros gigante de la novedad que hacen que la palabra "CRAM" imprimieron en ellos!!!!!!!!!!!!!

UPDATE: I have just been informed that the name "Dynamo" was the name of the football club in the Soviet Union that was sponsored by the KGB.

My democratic and refusnik brothers in peace! We will not stand for this affront to freedom, this tribute to the foul gulags of our oppressed past!!!

Etcetera. etc. ...

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Hip to be square.

Now that the Oscar fiasco is out of the way we can get back to the thing we know best, riffing on vain pop stars and other air-headed celebrities. Since I'm a square (confirmed by my use of the word) when it comes to the latest in popular music and other popular things I always try to keep up as best I can with what's going on in that world. Thrown into my lap today is the latest from that gyrating Latina we all love, Shakira, with her new single "Hips Don't Lie". Here's what Shakira said about her new song:

"My hips tell me where and when I should move. And my hips don't lie - my hips tell me the truth."

Reading those sagacious comments literally took my breath away. For a moment I felt both light-headed and energized as though a long forgotten virtue had been bestowed on me by an overlooked sage. Then I got over it and realized that it must have been that leftover meatloaf I ate for breakfast this morning.

Were Shakira's hips merely the laterally projecting region of each side of the lower or posterior part of the mammalian trunk formed by the lateral parts of the pelvis and upper part of the femur together with the fleshy parts covering them, or were they indeed a portal to an incontrovertible truth. Not wanting my gastric indiscretion to throw me from my thirst for knowledge and the truth that may be contained in Shakira's hips, I called her agent and received an interview with the aforementioned hips.

Stew: Hips wh... can I call you Hips?

Hips: Sure, that's fine.

Stew: Hips, Shakira has promoted you as a sort of counselor, an, if you will, confidant in relation to questions of truth. How do you feel about this?

Hips: Well I am flattered of course, I mean many people don't give there hips the time of day. Not my Shakira, she is really into this whole hip/person relationship, and I appreciate that.

Stew: What do the two of you get out of the relationship?

Hips: Well, I shoot straight with Shakira and advise her to "keep it real" and she gives me an unlimited supply of cocoa butter and lotion. It works out well for both of us.

Stew: Have you ever lied?

Hips: Well, to be honest, I did tell her a little white lie once. I told her I liked the music, but I was worried about losing the lotion so you can see my dilemma.

Stew: Yes. Is it tough being Shakira's hips?

Hips: Heavens yes, just imagine the workout I get. Charo's hips thought they had it bad, I'd like to see them keep up with me. A few "coochie-coos" doesn't even come close to the torture I get in a 90 minute concert.

Stew: I had written a post concerning Shakira and George Michael's attempts last year to help the squirrels who were running out of pine cones. What's the update?

Hips: Well, I don't know about the squirrels but "Alimente las Ardillas" just went triple platinum. Word at the time was that George was going to give 50 percent of his royalties to the squirrels but ended up blowing it on Bolivian marching powder.

Stew: What about Shakira?

Hips: Cocoa butter ain't cheap man.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Yanni Arrested! Yanni? Arrested?

Yes, it's true. The man who has mesmerised millions with his mellow, New-Age musical musings, and irritated the hell out of those of us with functioning auditory nerves, was charged with domestic battery in an altercation with his girlfriend Lindsey Lohan.

All right, it wasn't Lindsey, but admit it...you're weren't surprised to hear her name. (Lindsey, shape up, lass. Don't waste all that potential on an impersonation of one of Andy Warhol's girlfriends.)

Anyway, allegedly Yanni asked his girlfriend, one Silvia Barthes, to leave his beachfront home. (My suspicion is that either she was interfering with his mysterious New-Age vibes, or she was interfering with any action Yanni was looking for on the side - because you know those Yanni groupies are just freaks - or both.)

Barthes stated that she was attempting to pack her clothing, when Yanni attacked her. Clearly open suitcases enrage Yanni! I'm guessing, of course. I can't really imagine Yanni enraged, or for that matter even mildly peeved. The usual emotional state I associate with Yanni is a sort of glassy-eyed mellowness that falls somewhere between "opium den" and "corpse."

Actually, from this information, one might assume that Yanni wanted her clothes to remain behind, and that this would imply that he has some sort of thing for women's clothing. Actually, he's been doing community theatre and has the lead in a local production of "Ed Wood - The Stage Show." So, he's really just a Method actor portraying a transvestite. That's my theory, at least.

Yanni did release a statement through his publicist. It said, in part, that the allegations are "cruel, false, without merit and baseless." Which just happens to be the exact words used in several reviews of his latest album Insert Sappy Cliche Here.

Apparently, Yanni claims his girlfriend kicked him and that he believes he injured his finger during the incident. Now, as an amateur guitarist myself, as much as I don't care for Yanni's "music", I wouldn't wish an injured finger on any musician. However, for Yanni's sake, I do advise him to rest the injured appendage as much as needed for him to get back to full playability. I recommend a minimum of 15-20 years.

Take it slow mate, and stay away from suitcases.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Good night Earl

I think I need a whole 12 pack to wipe this from my memory. Good show tonight, and of course I am NOT talking about the Awards. I think it is time to ¨Crash¨. See everyone tomorrow.

To you our faithful readers...

...all three of you, we thank you for joining us this evening. We hope that through all the glitter and ceremony, the pomp and glamour, the celebrity and fame, that we were able to somehow deeply shake any faith you had in the American entertainment industry.

Also, if you have any need for a few Brokeback Mountain jokes for parties, weddings, bar-mitzvahs, or funerals, I have about 30 or 40 available at a reasonable price. The clean ones, I mean.

Good night, good luck, good evening, and good riddance (to us, I mean... not you. We like you!)

Cheerio.

BM, I thought you had made a trip

to the WC, and by that I mean Waylon Chasehardy.

It was indeed a crapfest. Although I missed vast portions of it, it seemed as though they sort of gave up in the middle. The producers of Crash should hire Ang Lee´s ninjas to take Conti to the mat. Oh, I´m just blowing off steam about the whole Brokeback Mountain fiasco.

Stew, glad you could make it tonight.

That was definitely NOT a Brokeback joke. I think Crash winning was the biggest Brokeback joke of the evening.

Anyway, Stew, glad you could be here. Now, recover, have a beer, and watch a lot of good films just to remind you that what we saw tonight is a bizarre aberration.

Well, it is the standard fare from Hollywood, but they do get it right sometimes.

Anyway, great job. Sometime in the next month or two, we'll get to do the 1,000th post now. Zimpter and Juan Carlos will be so jealous...apart from their bums not being numb.

Also not a Brokeback joke, unless you're actually at the Awards ceremony.

My computer is so hot

Jessica Alba is suing it for making note of her name earlier.

It was underwhelming...

...Much like the sad, Vegas version of Also Sprach Zarathustra playing now. That Tom Conti can sure make Strauss swing.

Stewart was about as good as Rock overall though not as funny in places. Not as good as Letterman, but he didn't have the lapses of Oscar protocol (translation: failure to blatantly suck up to the star system by not making fun of people's names) that Dave did. this means he doesn't get invited to host again, but he does get invited to all the parties.

This year at least, while they can still remember his name.

The show was a crapfest, proving that Hollywood cannot stage live television to save their lives. My advice, film the show as a blockbuster motion picture. It'll still suck, but the special effects will be Oscar worthy, and the cast will be stellar.

It was fun though, and Crash winning was absolutely shocking. That alone will make Variety a great read for at least a week.

Is Jake Gyenhaalallallal

trying to pick up Jon Stewart

All over Hollywood people are saying...

"Bugger me!" about the Crash win. And that's just the straight cowboys.

They just music-ed over the Best Picture...

...These are producers, people. they will fire your arse tomorrow.

No, it doesn't matter that you're not actually working for them. They are all connected at the hip. It's like SMERSH, mate.

COME ON

Don't do the music on the Best Picture winners.

My take on this years Oscars, IT SUCKED. 360 Posse should make up a little number to perform right now.

Jack's saying

you synch up to me. And I think he's right.

Wow Crash, well Brokeback just had a premature ej... NO, I won't go there.

Here come the ninjas.

Jaaaack!

If Brokeback wins, he's going to give a few pelvic thrusts in celebration.

Hopefully, his hips are in functioning order.

BM of course

UPDATE: And by BM, I of course meant Crash.

Bloody hell, that was an actual surprise. Haven't had one of these since Chariots of Fire won. All right, you can include Marisa Tomei, but best picture?

Let the recriminations begin!

Did Jack say

Mochion Picture.

Best Picture - Brokeback

I think the ninjas voted as well...

...Well, the gay ninjas in particular.

Ang Lee's

father was a gay cowboy? Who knew.

I love

Ang Lee's dress.

Hanks very serious...

...Almost angry looking. He must have been pulling for Keira.

Ang Lee wins...I'm am SO surprised! I thought Ang Lee would win.

My take on Stewart

too few risks taken. I think he doesn't return.

Director-my other favorite.

This year, Ang Lee and his ninjas.

Is the Academy short on money this year?

They're trying to wrap it up quickly.

Best Picture goes to... The McDonalds Ad with the Scarf.

"I'd like to thank Ronald, The Hamburgler, Grimace, my mother..."

I think Larry was referring to the trend of having...

...straight actors playing gay ones, when there are plenty of gay actors out there. Or maybe he misses the Village People. I haven't a clue...I'm trying to see both sides here.

Uma! Oprah! Oprah! Uma!

Did I beat Stew to it!

UPDATE: Ha! Got it in before Stew! Broadband, mate. Get it when you can.

I half expect Larry to say...

I really didn't know what it was about.

Are we threatened with losing gay culture? I wasn't aware, someone better tell Isaac.

Crash wins, will that mean anything toward Best Picture?

Raise the bloody mic!

McMurty now, rattling off his co-writer's qualities...He left out massive knockers. It is Brokeback though.

Lady,

It's not men's "hearts" we're worried about here.

Larry McMurtry is wearing boots...

...but can't get Ledger's attention.

Never mind...we still have screenwriting and directing...

...the Best Pic was just a teaser. We must still be 90 minutes out.

Dustin Hoffman almost put me to sleep, but he just loosened up.

Adapted! Where the screenwriter takes someone else's work and cuts it to shreds beyond all recognition! Such is art. Art, cut up beyond all recognition, that is.

Computer overheated

but I'm back. And that was NOT a Brokeback Mountain joke.

Dustin Hoffman loves everybody.

Best Adapted - I think they give this to Brokeback, but I think Capote was probably better.

Stew...deep breaths now...near the end.

DON'T CRAMP UP WITH THE LINE IN SIGHT LAD!!!!

Did they just say Best Picture next?

No Irving Thalberg Award?

The best Oscars in recent memory!

All right, that is excessive, but I can see the finish line. All the remaining rhetorical excess in me is pouring out.

Damn, I still have 14 Brokeback jokes left... One of them was about Thalberg and the Marx Brothers barbecuing in the nude in front of his office fireplace though. Google it...it's rather amusing.

The dramatic arc of the evening has just changed...

Witherspoon wins. I remember her charming debut in Man on the Moon.

My wife is saying "Thank the husband!"

She's running out of time. Hillary Swank...tell her!

Whew! She got him in and the kids.

Don't hold back lass...cry already.

Sweet lady. Well deserved win and a very good actress.

All right...quota met.

Forgot Reese

d'oh

Huffman will win

It's the spirit of the evening.

And she's taped so beautifully.

Witherspoon has an outside chance.

Just away putting a child to bed

Did I miss anything?

PSH, seems like a likeable fellow. Bad haircut though.

And I see they just gave out my favorite, Best Cinematographer.

Wow, they're flying through them now.

OK, Best Actress... my vote goes to Keira Knightly. But Charlize may have gotten dirty enough for this one.

"Here we go..."

Traolta is a ventriliquist! Amazing.

I think he's still seething about the Scientologist joke Stewart did earlier. They look like they're on a completely different set.

I wish Zimpter were here so he could tell the Martin Short - Travolta story. It is very, VERY strange.

Stewart is actually improving as the night goes on...

...either he's relaxing, or he's drinking. Someone pass him another pint.

Which reminds me...it's time to crack open my evening lager.

Hoffman wins!

And yes, the announcer has just informed us he's a Method actor.

If he were a serious Method guy, he would give the acceptance speech in the voice.

As Mrs. Fando pointed out, does anyone write speeches down anymore, or is that completely ego-centric these days? I mean, you're nominated...take a chance!

Hoffman seems like a nice bloke though. A consistently good actor in both big and small parts.

Sorry, that's all. I don't want to use up my "nice" quotient before the Best Actress category.

I just realized how much Heath Ledger looks like Tom Wopat...

...Which gives a whole new meaning to The Dukes of Hazzard remake.

Swank...

...Very well taped this evening. One stumble though and it's Janet Jackson in stereo.

"Scorcese 0, 360 Posse 1"

Stewart shoots, he scores!

His best line of the evening and then he introduces the glamourous Zhang Ziyi.

Things are looking up.

Academy dodges a political bullet...

...when the Palestinian suicide bomb thingy doesn't win. The South African acceptance speech is however the best and most heartfelt of the evening. Splendid.

Will Smith

He does make this all sound natural until the pre-scripted stuff kicks in.

Only 17 hours to go...

...and all the feeliing has gone from the left side of me bum.

As an aside, the Live Blog always drives up the number of posts. We are close to 900 tonight.

George Clooney presents...

.."And the Oscar goes to me."

Oops, it's the "In Memoriam".

UPDATE: Mickey Rooney is still alive ladies and gentlemen!

Sorry, got to watch this closely

King Kong wins again...

Mixing screams, plane noises, and ape noises is difficult stuff, and dammit, THIS Academy recognizes that!

King Kong

is the king of the technical type awards. If they don't thank Peter Jackson they'll never work in the business again.

Jennifer Garner almost slipped...

...and I'm not just talkikng about her fashion choice, which only looks like a slip.

Careful Jennifer

Wasn't Clinton on Sista Soldier. Just wondering.

Not being a fan of the rap genre

I've got to say I'm a little disappointed. But at least the one guy thanked Jesus. Of course, the song had to be edited extremely for presentation and I thinked they used the 5 seconds there. Jon Stewart is pimpin' now.

Draedle -off, ok that was kind of funny. Yitzak posse.

If it's the Oscars...

...then why does it feel like the Emmys.

Queen Latifah, remember when Clinton was busting her chops, has come a long way baby. Chicago, and a lot of brass. She's a refreshing throwback to the days when Hollywood was full of broads.

Oh, bloody hell...she's gone and spoilt it by anouncing that the winner of the best song is "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp" Now it feels like the Grammys.

Nothing says Hollywood like pimps and hookers!

I'm sorry, I meant Hollywood Boulevard.

Oh, all right, Hollywood too. I was trying to be nice.

It was David Crosby...

I hear he's fathering a child for them.

Ludacris...

I mean Ludicrous. He's doing well though. I think he should host next year.

Ludacris...

is not exactly really famous. But, I guess to Jon anyone who HE'S heard of is.

It's hard out here for a pimp. But it's easy for Jon Stewart.

Wait just a minute and you'll see Robert Altman's rap solo.

Is that David Crosby

Sitting with Robert Altman's wife?

Altman's speech is as freewheeling as his films...

...or this Oscar program. If he stays true to form, he'll end the speech by muttering to Lily and slowly dancing off-stage.

Entertaining if peculiar filmmaker. If you've seen OC & Stiggs, you know what I mean. Batty old coot.

Oh Robert, it's been over

for about 15 years now. But we hope you all the best.

First man to thank his personal physician, that's got to be the kiss of death. But we hope not.

Altman gets a special Oscar...

...because they didn't exactly shower him with them when he was alive, did they.

Erm...all right, he is still alive. Technical point, I know.

Tim Robbins has the largest forehead in cinema.

Doogie Howzer has been dethroned.

Was that hug a Brokeback moment?

I hope NOT.

Wow, M*A*S*H nudity. Oh, it is after 9 pm Central time.

Just don't show anything from Pret' a Porte' (sorry horribly misspelled probably)

Peyote

there's the reason.

I think he just died. (it's taking so long, get it)

Tomlin and Streep are just like an Altman film...

...or would be if they did this for another 2 hours and 15 minutes.

Altman is a "Hollywood Legend?" Hollywood wouldn't have claimed him about 10 years ago. Of course, he is very old. The tradition is give them an award just before they kick off, so they'll say nice things about you in Heaven.

Special Oscar?

Must be Captain Morgan, by their behavior.

Special Oscar?

King Kong wins an award...

Most realistic giant banana.

Well deserved, and yes, that was a Brokeback joke as well.

Sound Mixing gets

a dead mike. Makes perfect sense for this Awards.

Go Kiwi's, half the audience are Kiwis.

Or maybe Walk the Line

forgot about it

I thought Jessica Alba was topless for a second...

Oh, wait, never mind... she is.

Well, practically.

Yes, we are into the long stretch in the middle where we don't have so much prepared material.

I wonder what Zimpter and Juan Carlos are doing right now? Sleeping? Eating warm food?

Sound Mixing goes to

Chronicles...because they got ripped everywhere else.

The audience loves real movies

by their applause.

Jessica Alba is suing Jon Stewart for using her name and "re-populate" in the same sentence.

Another retrospective?

What does that say about this years movies?????

Remember that these are professional actors presenting...

...well, movie actors. Baby (Bacall) I can excuse, because she's older and obviously couldn't see the prompter. The rest, well...let's just say they don't make em like they use to.

Why Hoffman will win Best Actor

Because he nailed the voice, and let's face it, that's all most Academy acting members care about. Capturing the tortured soul of a controversial writer, probing one of the grisliest murders of his era? "Yeah, right...like we have the time! That sentence is more research than Clooney did for both his films!"

Next, they'll be honoring a movie legend...

...Sam, the janitor at the Kodak Theatre. He's cleaned up more doobies, bongs, and leftover coke lines than a Columbian street sweeper.

Selma Hayek looks shrink-wrapped.

The Best Actor winner gets to open her attire by the sell by date...which was yesterday.

As long as there are films, Itzhak Perlman...

...will have an easy, high-paying gig. Classiest part of the evening though. Especially compared to the "Love song from Crash."

Yitzak is just happy

that "The Dukes of Hazzard" wasn't nominated.

Hollywood employs people in New Orleans...

...because George Bush doesn't care about film people.

All right, actually that is true.

I think Salma Hayek is

talking about music. I don't care though.

Bill Conti, is the man. Only a movie lover would say that.

If you watch closely...

...you can see famous people actually losing consciousness. This is as close as any of us will get to being married to them.

We were...

until you showed up. Where is Army Archerd?????????

If he drags this out any more the big Oscar falls on him. Just a prediction.

Sid is here!

Now I can take a nap.

I'm actually feeling some goosebumps here

and it's not just Jon Stewarts Susan Sarandon joke.

Just what is this retrospective?

A history of scenery-chewing and Aaron Copeland scores?

Look

real actors, duck Keanu!!!!!!!!!!!!

Samuel L Jackson

is about to kick some...

oh, he's being serious. Sorry.

It's sad when we see all the movie actors that have died in the past year. We lost a lot of good people this year. Whoops wrong retrospective.

Samuel Jackson is way cool...

...but the show just went on the five second delay.

They shouldn't worry. You'll know the F-bombs are coming if he pulls the automatic.

The long tie does not work with a tux.

At. all.

Rob Marshall looks

amazingly similar to Steven Speilberg.

Keanu didn't speak much...

Was he overwhelmed or just having a Bill and Ted flashback?

Keanu: "Oscar...goes...to"
Sandra: "Oh, just give it here!"

Are those two related?

Bullock and Reeves could be twins.

Oh, give this one to Harry Potter. But Kong will probably win.

Sandra, Keanu...

If the presentation slips below 50 miles an hour, the Kodak Theatre explodes.

BOOM! And just as they were walking out.

Wow, the Oscars are getting really dramatic!!

Oh, wait a minute, it was just the "Miracle Workers" promo for ABC.

Jon, shouting doesn't help.

Not worse than Rock?

It's because he's only made a couple of jokes, I've heard anyhow.

Asbestos jokes... is Letterman now in the house?

I had no idea the Kodak theatre backed up against...

...Wiltshire Blvd. At least they cleaned it up for the day. No corpses, I mean.

More technical problems. The laptop I'm using is a Jon Stewart fan. I keep getting redirected to the Daily Show homepage everytime I try to post something negative. To be fair, he's not doing any worse than Chris Rock.

Keanu Reeves

gets as close to the Oscar as he ever will. I really hope he hasn't won so that joke means something. I don't think he has but, hey, Marisa Tomei won so anything can happen.

The Mets win the pennant

The Mets win the pennant!!!!

J-Lo gettin' all

insightful. At least this isn't Beyonce.

Hey, isn't that the set of Backdraft?

(Whistling noise)...

I think it means thank you in French, also. I like the penguin motif. They have penguins and are dressed as penguins. Nice chaps, though.

Better watch it. I'm getting softer the more numb my arse gets sitting here on the couch.

Better do some bouncing exercises.

I really hope

those are faux penguins. No blood for faux penguins.

I'm telling you, Morgan has hit the sauce.

We all know

Penguins

What is truth?

This from a woman with a blancmange on her shoulder.

A better question

WHAT IS THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?!?!?!?!?

Was that the chick from

The B-52s????????????

Chris Rock and David Letterman, all is forgiven!

...if not for the video clips, which are fairly good, many in the audience would be on suicide watch. He's earnest, though!

And the documentary winner is...

the thingy about the guy

Jon, you just hit the nail on the head

with that loser comment. At least so far...

Reese, I kind of like that name myself.

Wow, taking it hard on Judy Dench. Did they just give her the Swift boat treatment?

Is this the sweaty guy

retrospective, I missed what she said for all the crying. Mine, not the kids.

Lauren Bacall?

I thought this Academy Awards was about youth and foolishness. Now we at last have some class infused into the mixture.

It's going to be a tough night

at the Miller house, let me warn the reader. And by reader, I mean you Earl.

I posted that twice because

it might be the only one I get right, and they way my kids are acting it may be the only one I get to post. BTW I hate the background music. Hey, Charlize Theron's bow is about to make it's Oscar debut. (for the second time) Good night, and good grief!!!!!!!!!

Weisz wins...

...yes, I looked up the name.

Fighting injustice. That is what the film industry is about. Not ornate coke parties and wild, uninhibited bisexual orgies.

Blimey, was I wrong.

You must be really confident Stew...

to post twice.

My prediction for Actress

Ang Lee... I mean Rachel Wiess, is that spelled right I'm not well prepared.

My prediction for Actress

Ang Lee... I mean Rachel Wiess, is that spelled right I'm not well prepared.

Rachel McAdams seemed *really* sincere...

...when she said she was glad to be at the technical awards.

Of course, right now she's giving her agent the "you stupid bastard" call.

Morgan Freeman...

is drunk. No wonder he's dressed so casually.

Howard Berger...please shut up

Tami would like to speak.

Oscar's first acceptance speech brain freeze.

Had a technical glitch...everything seems all right no#$%@WSjfirjfljsdl,.d

whoops.

He forgot...

to thank Ang Lee and his ninjas.

I think Steve Carell is crying

It might be his proximity to Will Ferrell's musk. I don't know what that means, my kid was crying "present bobos", his way of telling me to wipe his rearend.

Now sitting in my easy chair

so, "I feel like the luckiest man on the face of the earth." Except for George Clooney of course. Oh and I knew Lee wasn't Japanese, I just wanted to use the stereotypical joke.

Russell Crowe is on set...

"Please remove all phones from the stage."

Colleen Atwood is a ninja!!!

And Sony Pictures were brave enough to make a film about a woman! It's about bloody time.

The costume designers are some of the same people...

...outfitting the stars. Tough choice, eh?

You know how important the Animated Short award is...

...when they start playing the music BEFORE the winners start to speak.

Now I know why Chicken Little was sooo highly regarded...

...it was written by the Oscar joke people.

Can you feel the sarcasm? Painful, isn't it?

Yes, we know Ang is Taiwanese and ninjas are...

...Japanese. You try doing this live.

Live Action Short or...

...bathroom break for all the big celebrities in the Kodak Theatre.

Jon Stewart made a scientology joke...

...and pissed off about 45% of the crowd. Bet he gets stalked this week.

Way to go, Jon!

I missed Wallace & Grommit

I feel like the night is a complete loss now. I see Paul Giamatti but I miss W & G...that really hurts.

Ang Lee is a deadly ninja.

That's how he keeps getting plum jobs. I heard though that the bloke who produced The Hulk was found at the business end of a pair of sai-knives.

Ang's next film: Shaolin Brokeback Temple.

What does it say about society when Dolly Parton...

...is the most conservatively dressed woman at a major awards program.

Sure she's 79, but she still looks good, and she's more mobile than Stewart this evening.

That'll all end if...

Ang Lee doesn't win the Oscar. Then he'll release the deadly ninjas on the crowd.

Naomi Watts looks like a Christmas package...

...that someone unwrapped and rewrapped. Did she come to the show with Billy Bob Thornton?

Bloody Trrrific!!

Wallace and Grommit win! Love the ties!

The best picture of the year has just been awarded. People should take notes from the acceptance speech. Charming blokes.

The show so far...

Stewart is polite, a little reserved and self-consciously dignified, as if the director had a sniper trained on him.

The show itself seems to be aiming for edgy cute.

Handing out the Oscars tonight

Will be a troupe of Sleestacks from Land of the Lost.

Ben Stiller does Mumenchanz!

King Kong wins best visual effects for not resorting to an ape suit.

OK- The guy in the beard gets to talk. The other guys look disapponted. They must have lost the high card draw.

Ben Stiller has this weird intensity...

...like Jim Carrey if he were Red Buttons.

Can we just substitute Hanks' fake speech...

...for all the real ones?

Clooney was however,

almost in touch with Nicole Kidman's bosom, so he can't complain too much.

Well George, if you feel that way, just give the award to one of them...

...now the politics begin. Self-righteous twaddle. You're a good actor, lad. Say thank you and smile. Make people happy. Don't pretend that an industry that is was on Jesse Jackson's bad side a few years ago is ahead of the game. Didn't the Oscars just have their first black full-time host last year?

I'm sorry, it is the Academy Awards. How I miss Brando.

Thank you, thank you...just call me Karnak.

Leonard Maltin would have gotten that one.

Prediction...Clooney

Oscar loves the bloke. It'll be a Cloonfest.

or it goes to...

Pauley Shore...but that would be a serious crime. Let's see

I had no idea Westerns were so...well...

Brokeback. Give Stewart credit, he's walking the line between politically correct and Brokeback crazy.

One important distinction...none of those men were sheepherders.

And the winner is....

Charlize Theron for Largest Bow not Worn on the Head or Lower Back.

He's going to the Dick Cheney jokes...

...I suspect he has a pocketful of them just in case it gets hairy. This audience will eat them like popcorn.

Good double take by Clooney.

or was that real.

Laughter polite.

Stewart looks nervous. Deer in the headlights look. Already Crystal's cell phone is buzzing.

Will Jon Stewart jump the Chupacabra?

No, that wasn't a Brokeback joke.

Let the Brokeback humor begin!

Stewart and Clooney?

They do both have the Reed Richards sideburns.

Chupacabra!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Was that the infamous chupacabra attacking Mel and those indigenous tribesmen?

Irritating isn't that bad

Isaac Mizrahi is molesting them somewhere.

It's on.

Jon Stewart's first joke is just seconds away. His first laugh is nearly 15 minutes away.

I'm not counting polite laughter.

Welcome Stew!

I'm up 24 - 1 right now on posts. That's not including last year's. I'll probably fade at the stretch though.

Right about now Billy Busch is being "escorted" from the Kodak Theatre.

Was that Stew?

I must be hallucinating.

Meanwhile, Billy Busch is in the theatre irritating the celebrities.

Fast approaching

That fateful minute is approaching...when John Stewart jumps the Oscar shark. I know this is live because the first time I wrote that it said "that fartful minute is approaching".

Rachel Weizzzzesszzz...

...is seven months pregnant? What's she doing, surrogate mom duty for a Lilliputian.

A literary reference...what am I thinking?

and yes, I can't spell Rachel's last name. I'll look it up, I promise...maybe.

22 cameras at the Oscars!

17 alone dedicated to cleavage.

JUST NINE MINUTES!!!!!!!!

Sorry, I was channeling Billy Busch of Entertainment Weekly.

The critics are back...

Thompson is saying that Brokeback is a cultural watershed. So, Longtime Companion, Philedelphia, etc. were just flash in the pan films about gay people. Thanks for clearing that up.

The change on Hollywood Boulevard is interesting...

...364 days out of the year it's populated by out of work "actors" dressed as superheroes and fantasy figures. Then for one night out of the year, the working actors take over the gig.

Felicity Huffman's outfit demonstrates why...

...double-sided tape sales are up 300% in the U.S. on Oscar week. The L.A. area alone accounts for the difference.

I must take a short break...

...my special gourmet Oscar meal is here, and if I don't eat the fries immediately they get cold.

UPDATE: I'm sorry...I meant "frites."

Matt Dillion is alive!!!

I had no idea. Actually, he's doing quite well, considering that he's rambling.

Jennifer Aniston presenting...

...Watch for the cross cutting to Brad and Angelina.

One question for Jennifer..."Who was the style maven when you were a kid that inspired you."

She fumbled for an answer and then said Jessica Lange, who must be feeling about 70 years old right now.

Worst line of the night so far...

"You made us fall in love with a pimp!"

And you thought this live-bloging comedy gig was difficult.

Is it just me or are the red carpet reporters really touchy feely tonight...

George Clooney has just had his cufflinks felt up by one reporter.

Hands to yourself, people. Security is getting nervous.

Nicole Kidman...

...Looking happier than in years.

She wasn't hiding her eyes from the villains...

...but from the Hollywood Boulevard flashers.

A lot of cowboys this year for some reason.

Maltin, Siegel, Thompson!

Crappy critics carping on the carpet, analyzing actors alliteratively.

How did these people get their jobs? Isn't some kind of charisma required on television?

Thompson has squeezed more cliches into 120 seconds than one hears at a state funeral.

Maltin is loving it. He looks like Andre Bazin next to these two.

Stew's online connection will be a bit slow...

...he's using an AOL connection just for the evening.

So, I expect him to pop in right around the Best Picture presentation.

"The biggest monkey of them all!"

King Kong, according to one of the cookie cutter red carpet reporters.

And here I gave them credit for sharing an entire brain. Obviously, I was too generous.

"Ape", dear...like most of your boyfriends.

The red carpet guy just asked Heath Ledger...

...how Brokeback Mountain has changed his career. Ledger spent a lot of time referring to his lady and their child. Somehow I don't think he's angling for more gay roles.

Memo to Tim Burton...

...I want my hair back.

...and my suit.

Paul Giamatti...

...just say no to facial hair.

Giamatti...boxing...sounds like a trainer.

His interview...politely uncomfortable.

Stew WILL be joining us!

Stew will be live online tonight. No word on Zimpter and Juan Carlos, who are both believed to be in hiding.

Must...pace...self... 19 hours of Oscar blogging to go.

Well, it just seems that long.

Robert Osbourne of TCM is the official greeter...

...there are drawbacks. He just referred to Will Ferrell as Danny Kaye.

Dolly Parton - Original Song?

But hey, retro is in. And at the Oscars, so is clevage, even 60 something cleavage.

FLASH! - Will Ferrell just suggested that there is a part of Jon Stewart that doesn't care. He's one of us then!

Blimey! The Pre-Pre show begins!

Let the boot-licking begin!

Several hosts. One brain between them.

Latest Oscar Buzz!

  • The Academy couldn't get Tom Cruise to present this year because they refused to wheel a couch out for him.
  • Jon Stewart is so eager to get started, he'll be making Brokeback Mountain jokes on the red carpet
  • Beyonce is not slated to do any musical numbers this year but she will stand obsequiously in the background during every award presentation.
  • Finally, the awards presentations in the audience went so well last year, that they'll be presenting awards in the alley besides the Chinese Theatre this year. Best Documentary and Documentary short will be there. Award organizers stated that they only had enough room because Michael Moore wasn't nominated this year, and that was just referring to his enormously swollen skull.

Let the Oscars Countdown Begin!

  • Just 60 minutes until the red carpet show begins!
  • Just 61 minutes until Beyonce makes her first of 35 appearances!
  • Just 2 hours until the Oscar broadcast begins!
  • Just 2 hours and 1 minute until Jon Stewart's first Brokeback Mountain joke!
  • Just 2 hours and 2 minutes until the first Kodak Theatre audience groan of the evening!
  • Just 2 hours and 15 minutes to the first Oscar night commercial involving Budweiser, cows giving awards, and the sheep that gets the surprise award!
  • Just 2 hours and 21 minutes until the first "message" acceptance speech of the evening!
  • Just 2 hours and 17 minutes until the first self-indulgent "I owe my great success to..." acceptance speech of the evening!
  • Just 3 hours and 5 minutes until the first overproduced variety number of the evening!
  • Just 3 hours and 37 minutes until the first underproduced video/film presentation of the evening!
  • Just 3 hours and 49 minutes to the most embarrassing clevage outfit!
  • Just 4 hours and 29 minutes until Clint Eastwood falls asleep in the second row of the Kodak Theatre during a lengthy presentation on the importance of sound editing by Keanu Reeves!
  • Just 5 hours and nine minutes until the Irving Thalberg Award presentation, and everyone at home falling asleep!
  • Just 17 hours and 56 minutes until the Best Picture award!

The DOUI Live Blog starts soon! Tell your friends! Tell your family! Tell your enemies! This is the place to be!

I certainly hope these two aren't appearing at Epcot any time soon.

Well, it takes a lot to roust me from my pre-Oscar blog regimen, but this would certainly do it. Apparently there's a brand new musical trend sweeping certain parts of the United States: Bubble-gum Nazi rock.

By certain parts, I mean certain relatively isolated, frequented by skinheads, white-supremacists, survivalists and militia parts, as opposed to the other 99.9999999999% of the country.

Still, I suppose getting enough attention to be written up in GQ and appear on ABC Primetime is a step up from sidebar notices in Teen Gestapo.

The two little twin girls in the article that form the group "Prussian Blue" look like your average sweet teeny-bopper rockers except for the fact that they sing about race wars, and the joys of an all-white society. That and the "Happy-face Hitler" t-shirts. Oh, and the fact that "Prussian Blue" is supposed to be some sort of residue that the gas used in the concentration camps - Zyklon-B - should leave but supposedly didn't.

Erm...What was the old saying about judging a book by its cover? The cover here is American Girl but once you open the book it's almost all Mein Kampf and The Turner Diaries. Of course it's plain enough from the article that the two girls are just brain-washed kids living in the shadow of a deranged, bigoted, hateful, disassociating parent. However, they got the special kind known as the deranged, bigoted, hateful, disassociating stage mother.

Yes, what better way to sow hatred, racial violence, holocaust-denial, and sedition than with the soothing, slightly tuneless recordings of two young barely teen-aged Hillary Duff wanna-bes. I'm sure somewhere in Hell, old uncle Adolf is thinking to himself, "Ach, if only I had gotten ze Hitler Youth to put togezher a skiffle combo!"

What's interesting to me is the comments spliced throughout the article. Some particularly disturbing if darkly-amusing examples:

I don’t think a white-pride band has ever gotten this kind of media attention before. I mean, these two girls have become some of the most powerful people in white nationalism.” - The girls' mother April. Hmmm, and I thought a Grammy or a golden record was the aim of most aspiring musicians.

Lynx tends to be more of the girlie-girlie glamour girl... and Lamb is more the sporty rock ’n’ roller.” - The girls' mother again. I wonder which one is the goose-stepping, genocidal, gestapo girly-girl, and which one is the more the mass-murdering, Mengele, mass-rally, modster? I think Teen Beat would want to know.

"The album includes a cover of “Panzerlied,” an old Wehrmacht battle hymn (featuring a rhythm track of marching jackboots), and “The Lamb Near the Lane,” a folksy collaboration between Lamb and convicted Order thug David Lane, who, sentenced to 190 years on charges of racketeering and civil rights violations back in ’85, wrote the lyrics through letters exchanged between the two." - a description of the twins work from the GQ article, although it reads in part like liner notes from the album. It's not exactly the kind of thing you'd find on, say even a Sex Pistols album.

People want to depict everything that happened in World War II Germany as marching around killing Jews...They don’t want to understand how the whole ideology of National Socialism is really a beautiful thing. I mean, it really is.” -April again. Yes, I'm sure that was the feeling even as bombs were raining down on London during the Blitz, you nutbag. Beauty may be in the eye of the beholder, but what if the beholder is a looney?

Prussian Blue is more or less a novelty thing,” he says. “They’re cute and everything, and they have some talent, but that’s not the music to win over white males.” -Erich Gliebe, president of Resistance Records and head of the white-supremacist group The National Alliance, on a dispute over the rights to Prussian Blue's music. Well, fame is fleeting after all.

When you’re in fringe politics, you tend to attract a lot of, I don’t know, misfits, people with problems, and they latch onto the movement as a source of strength.” -Gliebe again. It should be pointed out to him that some of those misfits actually form such movements.

A lot of people get into racism for the wrong reasons." -Erika Snyder, stripper wife of Erich Gliebe. Well, of course they do Erika. Hitler for instance. He had father issues, I think.

To be a white nationalist... you have to be a very independent-thinking type of person. You don’t do it because ‘Hey, this will be great! I’ll have my job at risk, and people will threaten to kill me! Gee, what fun!’ ” -April again, explaining the kind of independent thinking that would make most philosophers slit their wrists.

Hey, man, whatever works for them... I just play.” -Lanny Ray, Lamb's guitar teacher, session guitarist on the album, longtime session guitarist who has worked with T-Bone Walker and James Brown, among others, and living proof that the negative effects of hard-rocking sex, drugs, and alcohol are life-long.

So there you have it. Two little girls singing about the coming (they hope) race war. They'll have another album out soon I expect. No word on whether they'll do a cover of "Springtime for Hitler." If they do though, I'm sure it'll be catchy and have a great beat.