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Friday, May 12, 2006

BOORRRINNGGG: Da Vinci Code Disappoints

Just like about every movie that comes from a previously released novel, The Da Vinci Code starring Tom Hanks' wacky hairdo, disappoints due to its predisposition to using the source material for the main plot. Boorrringg!!!! Come on folks can't we liven books like this up a little, maybe add a good natured robot from some far off planet who wishes to save the earth from a environmental catastrophe or a flying lizard or something. For a work of fiction, and let's remember that's all it is, this movie left me feeling likeI wasted my money on hair straightener for Tom Hanks.

In regards to shaking things up I feel it is up to us at DOUI to reach out to Hollywood and try and help them. I understand that when you are making movies all the time, things can get a little stale and you get stuck in a rut. Fear not, young Hollywood liberals for we here at the blog wish nothing more than the best for you and so it is with great pleasure that we give you the fruits of our labor: (fanfare) The DE Vito Code. The De Vito Code is the story of Danny DeVito and his search for meaning in the menu at T.G.I.Fridays. Enjoy a scene from the new movie.

Int. Night T.G.I.Fridays

We see Danny enter the restaurant and approach the front table.

Seater: Good evening sir, how can I help you.

Danny: A table for one please.

Seater: Of course sir, would you like a booster seat?

Danny: What?! I'm not a kid here, just get me a seat.

Seater: Yes sir, walk this way.

Danny: If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need a booster seat.

The seater takes Danny to his seat and leaves him with his menu.

Seater: Your waiter will be right with you.

As Danny studies the menu we see the letters suddenly come off the page and begin spinning in the air in front of him. Certain letters light up as he looks at them spelling out: COME ON DANNY, YOU KNOW YOU REALLY WANTED A ROOTIE TOOTIE FRESH & FRUITY AT IHOP.

Danny: Jeez, I never should have taken that LSD before coming here. Dis is freaky.

Waiter (Warwick Davis): What can I getcha, sir?

Danny: (confused) Uh, do you guys have anything like the Rootie Tootie Fresh & Fruity at IHOP?

Waiter: What are you on man?

Danny: Nevermind, just get me a Tuscan Spinach Dip and some Buffalo Wings.

Waiter: OK, that's one Jack Daniel's sampler and an order of pot stickers.

Danny: Huh, I said Tuscan Spinach Dip and Buff...

Waiter: (interrupting) spinulo de tutti de frostino seniori?

Danny: What?

Waiter: I said, have you tried the stuffed scallops, they're really remarkable.

Suddenly Warwick Davis levitates in the air and flies into the kitchen returning a few moments later with the roasted head of a pig on a large platter.

Waiter: There you go sir, one Rootie Tootie Fresh & Fruity like you wanted.

Danny: I gotta get some air, I feel light-headed.

Danny runs to the front of the restaurant and crashes through a large window.

A cook (Verne Troyer (Mini-me from Austin Powers)) comes out of the kitchen.

Cook: What's wrong with that guy?

Waiter: Let me count the ways. What a freak.

Fin - followed by closing titles to include: Dedicated to the memory of Jorge Carlito Viejo.

Now that's how you do it. None of this, bottle of hair straightener/follow the book nonsense, you've got to give the people what they want. Lots of dwarfs acting weird with just a tinge of surrealism into the mix, that's what the movie going audience is looking for these days and don't you forget it.

Ratings

The Da Vinci Code: D-

The De Vito Code: A+

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Palestinian Militants Agree to Work Together

Representatives of Palestinian militant factions Fatah and Hamas agreed to stop attacking one another in the Gaza Strip.

Hamas military chief Jamaal Aboutaviolence told reporters, "We have been wasting too much time engaging in pointless violence with one another. We must turn our energies towards something more productive and lasting: Killing the Jews as fast as we can."

Fatah representative Imaalla Fordadough agreed. "Killing each other is a waste of time. Slowly destroying Israel through the process of intimidation, discord, and terror; that is violence with a point. Plus, we have members who really get into that sort of thing."

To cement the deal, the two factions plan to launch a competetive endeavor to see which faction can blow themselves up the fastest in Israeli discotheques, using the perverse logic that everyone, even most Israelis, hates disco. Both factions agree that the continued withholding of foreign funds from the Palestinian Authority would be an obstacle to this, in that plastic explosives and radical Islamic brainwashing regimens are very expensive these days with the demand being so high. However, they said they would be as creative as it takes in reaching their goals.

"It will be like one of your western fraternity competitions, yes?" said Fordadough. "If we run out of real explosives, we can use petrol cans and light our flatulence. We will not let those butchers Hamas outbrutalize us."

"We are very resourceful," said Aboutaviolence. "We've had to be with Fatah diverting all the fiscal resources to Chairman Arafat's Swiss bank account, the greedy swine."

With that the news conference ended in a gunbattle between the two spokesmen, until they ran out of bullets 30 seconds later. At least one journalist was wounded by a flying gun butt. Another was temporarily blinded by spittle froth.

An Israeli security official, speaking on the condition of anonymity, indicated that, despite a few glitches, their current strategy of letting Hamas and Fatah beat the hell out of each other was going swimmingly.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Highbury's Last Day - Spurs Beaten by Lasagna

For those of you who missed it, my favourite club Arsenal bid a fond farewell to their home for the last 93 years, Highbury. The grand old stadium will soon be torn down to facilitate a block of luxury flats, although the famous art deco facade will remain as a testament to the cherished old ground. I never got to see a match at Highbury, having lived in the States for so long, but on my last trip to Britain, I got to take a long walk around the exterior and stop by the gift shop for a scarf and hat. It was magnificent.

Meanwhile, Arsenal will move next door to Ashburton Grove and Emirates Stadium, a 60,000 state-of-the-art football palace.

The final day was quite remarkable. The Gunners needed to win against Wigan, and for Spurs to tie or lose to West Ham, in order to finish fourth and qualify for the Champions League, at least the qualifiers that is. If they beat Barcelona on the 17th in the Champions League final, they automatically go into the Champions league proper, as I understand it. The short story is that Arsenal won 4-2 in glorious fashion behind a Robert Pires goal and a hat trick by the electrifying, inimitable Thierry Henry. Spurs lost 2-1 at Upton Park to the Hammers.

By now you're thinking, "Earl, we know your a Gooner, and are thrilled with the Arsenal's exploits this season, but this is a humour blog, so get on with it." Well, with all due respect to Tottenham fans (and mind you, you wouldn't get that much from most Gooners) that brings us to Spurs.

Spurs, or Tottenham Hotspur were the team in fourth as noted above. To get to the Champions League, they needed to win at West Ham, if Arsenal tied Wigan, or to tie, if Arsenal lost to Wigan. This was probably the biggest match in years for them and they were chomping at the bit to take a swipe at the Gunners. Due to new UEFA rules, Arsenal could still pip Spurs for the Champions League if they won this year's Champions League final, but the short of it is Spurs needed this match desperately.

So it was quite a mess, literally, when 10 Spurs players woke up in the early morning before the match with stomach pains, nausea, and vomiting. The diagnosis: food poisoning, from the buffet meal they had in the hotel the night before.

Obviously, there's nothing remotely funny about highly skilled footballers or anyone else for that matter getting food poisioning the night before a big match. Except maybe for the Sun's gift of giant toilet rolls to Spurs' home White Hart Lane, and their references to the club as "Trot-enham Hotspur" and "Trotspurs". I have to admit, that for a questionable periodical like the Sun, that was smashing.

Still, the coincidental timing of the food poisoning has conspiracy-minded fans, meaning most Spurs fans, abuzz with conjecture. One theory is that some zealous Arsenal supporter (not me) spiked the food with some kind of germ or other substance to make the players sick.

There's only one problem with that. The players ate at a buffet, meaning that they might have skipped the offending food altogether. Now, apparently the offending dish was lasagna. So, the theory might go, players are going to automatically go for that the night before a big match, to carb-load on the pasta. Of course, lasagna also comes with copious amounts of cheese and meat (and possibly e-coli in this case), which aren't exactly the kind of foodstuffs an 11 stone footballer is liable to successfully digest less than 18 hours before a match unless they have a tapeworm.

Yet, there were 10 players, happily helping themselves to slices of the Italian favourite, not realising that the was little chance they'd get to digest any of the stuff at all as it would wind up all over their bedsheets and in the loo.

Now, I'm the type of fan who wants my team to beat your team at it's best. So, I'm disappointed it's come to this. Still, Spurs were playing in London. There's no reason to board up at a hotel the night before a local derby, and buffet meals always come with the risk of germ transmission. For all we know, it could have been the bloke in the Chelsea strip, with the hacking cough.

As Arsenal coach Arsene Wenger said, you feel sorry for that sort of thing, but sport is cruel. No, he didn't say it whilst discreetly slipping a cheese and beef encrusted test tube back into his jacket pocket. But sport is cruel. So is humour for that matter...and apparently these days so is lasagna. The funny thing is, that's what I had for dinner just last night. Ironic, isn't it.

Blainely Looney

Stew,

I would have to agree that David Blaine is as daft as they come. That said, the bloke recognises that he is at least entertainingly looney, as opposed to certain Scientologists we all know and Katie Holmes loves. (Yes, God loves him too, in case you all were wondering. We love him too, in the way that you love your crazy old uncle who babbles like a loon and provides you with great stories to tell the neighbors when he's not looking.)

So entertainment clearly is a part of the madness. And money. Don't forget money. I seriously doubt David would do all this just as a hobby.

(If anyone at ABC is reading this, I will myself happily blog from within a glass box for seven days straight, wearing nothing but my Arsenal "Last Year at Highbury" commemorative jersey and a pair of vaguely translucent shorts, for anywhere near the money Blaine gets for living in a fishbowl. However, I will require a private restroom as I have no intention of urinating in a tube, especially with ladies watching, and whilst wearing vaguely translucent shorts. Back to the post.)
In addition, Blaine is letting researchers at Yale University study his body to determine the effects of prolonged exposure underwater on the human physique, and also to discover what part of the human brain dreams up death-defying, goofy, made-for ABC stunts like this. That's only because Evel Kneivel and David Copperfield declined to participate in the study themselves. Of course, the only thing Copperfield ever did that was actually death-defying was to break up with Claudia Schiffer.

Anyway, since the people at Yale think that entertainment can be practical, please allow me to add to your list with some potentially practical suggestions for future Blaine stunts.

  • Stand in a bulletproof glass box between members of Fatah, Hamas, and the Israeli Government to determine the effects of trained illusionists on people who would like to chew each others' faces off.
  • Sell beer to English, German, and Dutch fans before World Cup games in Germany, and then walk by the match venues speaking in an exagerrated French accent. This will allow sociologists to determine which of those three nations despise the French the most. It will also provide a helpful travel advisory to French citizens as to which of the three nations to avoid on holiday. (My guess: Holland. Plus, those wooden shoes could rack you up a treat.)
  • Handle Help Desk calls for Microsoft's newest version of Windows. This will demonstrate to Bill Gates that even a highly trained illusionist can not hide the flaws in his products. Also, I'm curious to see David do his mind-reading bit over the phone.
  • Live for one month on the set of Big Brother. I'm hoping he can make all of those contestants disappear. That might not benefit science, but television will improve immensely.

God bless our men and women in uniform

I would like to thank CENTCOM for sending us the e-mail and seal which we proudly display here today at DOUI. Thanks for all that you guys do to keep safe and allow us to do the stupid things we do here daily...well almost daily.

I was looking at the seal and noticed that there was something familiar about part of it. Sure enough, looking closely I see that those wacky Central Command people have put a tribute to those rowdy ne'er-do-wells of comedy, Beavis and Butthead in the logo. Nice touch fellas.

No Joy in Blaine-ville.


Lunatic stuntman and guy voted most likely to kill himself before age 30 by his high school class, David Blaine, has failed to hold his breath as long as it took Tom Arnold and Roseanne Barr to consumate their marriage. (Sorry, I've had to interrupt this post because I have just been awarded the prestigious Longest Opening Line in a Blog by Publishers Clearing House. Thank you, I couldn't have done it without David Blaine, Tom Arnold, and Roseanne Barr. I love you guys.) Anyway, the crazy nut does become the seventh person to hold his breath over seven minutes, without being in an elevator where someone has cut one loose. Something to be proud of indeed.

What will David Blaine attempt next? How will this death defying looney toon cheat the grim reaper in the future? The possibilities may trouble you, humor you, or bore you. I'll just have to take that chance.

  • Blaine will be hung upside down in a vat of grape jelly and must eat his way to the top with only a box of stale Ritz Crackers and some seltzer water.
  • Blaine will eat the placenta of his newborn child. (Sorry, this is just a joke as nobody in his right mind would do that...on purpose.)
  • David will have to work as a manager at Hermes and must throw out Oprah Winfrey at closing time. Will he survive?
  • Blaine will be given palm tree climbing lessons from Keith Richards.
  • Blaine will become a Washington DC reporter working at the Pentagon and will have to ask Donald Rumsfeld, "Where are the WMDs, Rummy?"
  • David will have to get in a car with Ted Kennedy driving and Patrick Kennedy navigating. "David, let's paaak the caaa in the Rose Gaaaaden."
  • Blaine will be forced to act opposite Lindsey Lohan and face the chance of never being seen or heard from again.

Actually that last one would probably be the best thing for his health. Mine too.

Monday, May 08, 2006

CENTCOM Responds!

Well, of all the posts we've done here, chalk it up to the United States Military to respond faster than anyone else to any post we've ever done. Less than 24 hours after my post about that vicious git Zarqawi, which included exactly one reference to CENTCOM, I received a very nice message from a Specialist Flowers there (That's the military rank Specialist, if I'm not mistaken) thanking us for the post and the reference, proving that the U.S. Military is not only thorough, but very polite when appropriate. They can skip the niceties with Zarqawi though. All I ask is that they give him a handshake with the business end of an M-16.

Their website, if you're interested in a visit, is http://www.centcom.mil. Below is the nifty logo they sent me.

Either they have some major spider software running, or they subscribe to Google News Updates, like I do. Good thing the Chinese Communists haven't figured out how to block that yet.

Of course, if they spotted us with only a single mention, their service will be absolutely buzzing after this post. Cheers to Spc. Flowers and all the hard-working gents and ladies at CENTCOM. Keep up the good work.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Stew's New Computer - The Real Story

I know that many of you were taken in by Stew's protestations that his new computer will be a relic of ancient days, when the Internet was young and Tom Cruise was still considered sane by 35% of the population. However, I happen to know that Stew's computer will be a monster-power-user machine. Not only will it have it's own special operating system that utilises artificial intelligence (much like my own), but it will be able to warp the fabric of time and space, allowing Stew to go into the future and then come back and make some pretty funny predictions, all of which will turn out to be true. (Fabio goes bald? Cameron Diaz marries Pauly Shore? Howard Dean becomes a yoga instructor? Amazing!)

Anyway, here is the real picture of Stew's artificially intelligent, time-warping PC.




















Oops, actually it's this one.





















A beaut, isn't it. It also comes with the following accutrements:

  • Type-to-voice synthesizer in a choice of 100 voices, including Cher, Kurt Russell, Howie Mandel, Jimmy Walker, Jim Carrey, Dr. Ruth, Cedric the Entertainer, Gallagher, James Earl Jones, and Fernando Lamas.
  • Microwave oven
  • Special "Total War" combat guide
  • GPS tracking that can locate bacon in 1000 miles of the PC. Can also be set to find golf courses, BBQ restaurants, and Cameron Diaz.
  • Toaster
  • Cuisinart
  • Batphone
  • Gary Coleman (some assembly required)

So, be sure and congratulate Stew. Just be aware that his supercomputer can track you down to whatever cave you're e-mailing from and fill it with 10,000 volts. So be nice!