You mess with Harpo Marx, you get the horns.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

You Call that a Threat?

Scene: An alley in a large city.  A CRIMINAL runs through a doorway into the alley, obviously attempting to flee a crime scene.  A DETECTIVE follows, brandishing a gun.

Detective: Freeze, or I'll fill you so full of lead you never be able to have an X-ray again.

Criminal: (Stopping) What on earth are you talking about?

Detective: You move and I'll fill you so full of lead that you'll never be able to have an X-ray again.

Criminal: Um, if you shoot me, I'll probably be dead.  So, why would I need an X-ray?

Detective: I'm sorry, what do you mean?

Criminal: Well, if you shoot me and kill me, no self-respecting doctor is going to waste money on an X-ray for a corpse.

Detective: I'm sorry, I'm not following you here.

Criminal: It's just that your threat simply isn't very intimidating.  I mean, there's no practical reason as to why I would be concerned about the availability of personal radiological diagnostics, if my immediate destination is the city morgue.

Detective: Listen, all I'm trying to do is to bring a little wit to the proceedings here.

Criminal: I'm sorry, but I just don't see the value of the statement.  To be honest, it's left me more confused than anything.  I mean, even if I manage to survive your barrage, the amount of raw lead it would take to block X-rays would almost certainly result in a near instant fatal case of blood poisoning.

Detective: Well... I'm just trying to make things a little more interesting... spice up the dialogue a bit.  You know, it's kind of frustrating having someone analyze all over my cop banter when all I'm trying to do is lighten up an otherwise extremey tense situation.

Criminal: I appreciate your efforts. Really, I do. However, if you present me with a warning that leaves my mind loaded with cognitive dissonance, isn't that going to distract me from the practical goal of dissuading me from reaching for the loaded .357 in my jacket.

Detective: (long pause) OK, how about this? Freeze or I'll fill you so full of lead you'll be using your nose as a pencil.

Criminal: (Shakes head) I think we're just moving in the wrong direction, now.

Detective: (Sighs) Oh, good grief.

Criminal: No, seriously. The basic premise of me wanting to engage in some serious writing is overshadowed by the more immediate reality of my imminent demise. Beyond that though is the very serious impracticality of using my nose as a writing implement. Who wants to journal with their face? In addition, I don't think you've coinsidered the fact that even if I survived your initial barrage with ...what is that, a Glock?

Detective: It's a Smith and Wesson copy of the Glock. With a hair trigger, I might add.

Criminal: Nice, I'm gonna have to get me one of those.  Anyway, even if I survive your initial barrage, I'm going to bleed faster than a broken Sharpie. Plus, that threat's really just a cleaner variation of a line from The Three Amigos.

Detective: You know, you could grant me a little suspension of disbelief. I didn't ask to be here, you know. I was minding my own buisness down at the station, perusing the most wanted lists and vice squad photos, and then I get this call about a triple homicide and hustle down here as fast as I could.  I'm not as young as I used to be...

Criminal: None of us ever are.

Detective: ...Shut up.  Anyway, I'm working hard and this is the thanks I get.

Criminal: You could always just let me go.

Detective: Shut up.

Criminal: Or what?

Detective: Or I'll blow your %$&! head off.

Criminal: Ah, now we're getting somewhere.

Detective: (pause) (smacks head) Oh, I get it now.

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Sunday, February 07, 2010

Super Bowl Surprises

It's Super Bowl Sunday, which means that about one billion people right now are watching television and actually paying attention to the commercials and the halftime show.  So, distracted from the usual rhythms of watching a football game, you may have missed some of the following surprises from Super Bowl XLIV.

  • All the dancers for the Who halftime set are strippers. (I guess they've just totally owned the whole "wardrobe" thing.
  • Roger Daltrey manages to work the line "Who dat" into the song "Who are you?"
  • Special appearance at the end of the Who halftime set: Barney the dinosaur
  • Surprising amount of flatulence heard during radio broadcast of the Super Bowl
  • Instead of deferring to the second half, coin toss winner elects to take "pre-emptive safety."
  • Roger Daltrey's and Pete Townsend's "belly bump" during halftime show.
  • Commercial for "Survivor" concludes with cast members being sacked by Saints and Colts players.
  • Bridgestone halftime show ends with the Who peeling out in a Chevy and having a 2-tire blowout.
  • Three fumblerooskies in a row.
  • Repeated cuts to Paul McCartney in audience making "losers" sign during halftime show
  • Winning Super Bowl field goal is kicked by a mule. (No idea if his name was Gus)
  • First big commercial was for Cherokee Casino
  • Winning coach doused with cooler filled with Tabasco sauce
  • Unpleasant referee wardrobe malfunction
  • Peyton Manning throws TD pass while eating an Oreo cookie.
  • Instead of Disney World, winning QB announces that they're going to "get hammered."

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