NewYear's Resolutions for 2013

2012 will soon leave us. The Mayan Apocalypse didn't come off as planned* but it was an up and down year. There was a Blighty Olympics and a blight of a US Presidential campaign. Many things happened and some things didn't happen, etc, etc. We don't dwell on the past much here.

The future is out there though, and as Criswell says, is where you and I will spend the rest of our lives. So, without further ado (or much ado at all), here are my New Year's Resolutions for the, um... New Year.

• Get rid of the lousy wireless mouse that came with the Dell system I'm creating this on. It's slow, selecting is inconsistent, and it's as heavy as a two-month old fruitcake. The keyboard is not much better. OK - gripe over.
• Learn to appreciate soup even more. 
• Grow eight inches taller. It may not be possible, but why should that stop me from including it on the list?
• Avoid the New Year's celebration in Times Square. (And there's one I can check off my list!)
• Hats! Hats! Hats!!!
• Continue to hope someone will reboot the X-Men so that X-Men - The Last Stand never appears on network television again. (I realize that burning the negatives/digital sources is too much to ask for, but if I were king...)
• Finish either my novel rewrite, song demo CD, or that insane workout regimen that Paul Ryan does. (Guess which one of these is the most unlikely.)
• Get teeth whiter than Joe Biden. (I'm kidding! Who needs to spend 12 hours a day under an ultraviolet light?)
• More sandwiches with sun-dried tomatoes. You mock me because you've never had them.
• Let Oprah be Oprah. It's her life, dagnabit!
• Say "dagnabit" instead of %$#& @#%!
• Learn to live with parsnips. I'm never going to eat that junk, but I would at least like to stand the sight of them.
• Shave without cutting myself so much. Some days it's like I stuck my face in the business end of a weed-eater.
• Finally understand how the same people responsible for The Big Bang Theory can also produce Two and a Half Men. (This is a big ask, I realize.)
• Keep eating those Fiber One bars until I'm convinced they actually have fiber in them.
• Turn 48. This involves surviving another 2 and 1/2 months, so the odds are decent.
• Laugh heartily when Ben Affleck talks about going into politics. People who write comedy can't possibly be that lucky, so learn to enjoy whatever Big Ben does offer us in that vein.
• Finish filling up my iPhone with music. 
• Try not to get hypnotized so much by Conan O'Brien's weird hairstyle. With one side of his head so much higher than the other, he looks like Kikaider.
• Avoid the McRib sandwich like the plague.
• Constant e-mail to Legendary Pictures until their new Godzilla film comes out. 2014 is not acceptable, people!
• Post at least three to four times a week on this blog. (Stop laughing. No, I mean, keep laughing! Laugh it up! Laugh until you wet yourself! This is a comedy blog after all. Plus, we might hook a Depends ad.)

*As most Mayans could have told you.

Merry Belated Christmas!

We hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas. We know it was much tougher for some than others. You're all in our thoughts and prayers.