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Monday, December 13, 2010

Eyes in the Back of His Head, that One

 A New York University professor had a camera implanted in the back of his head, proving once and for all that tenure and insanity are not mutually exclusive.

Maybe he wanted to see just how many students in his lecture classes were flying him the bird when he was writing on the board. Perhaps we'll learn later in a follow-up article that 19 year old cheerleader and part-time lingerie model Missy is very disturbed as to why her professor always has his back to her and frequently includes the line "Work it, baby!" in his lectures.

Maybe he's about to embark on an attempt at the world's record for backwards walking/teaching/roller-blading and is taking some extra precautions. Maybe the rear camera in his Buick SUV keeps going out and he decided he needed a back-up. Or maybe he just wanted to know who was checking out his backside so he could give them a very special grade.

It's hard to figure out why a supposedly sensible, highly educated professional would go for such a radical upgrade to his self-image. I'm assuming he considers it an upgrade. Most people don't usually do things like that to themselves unless they think it's a positive. When's the last time you heard someone say, "Damn it, I'm 65 and I just don't have enough wrinkles on my face!" Or "I think a ring in my lip looks hideous, but I got tired of people paying me compliments on my 'perfect mouth.'"

After reading the article a bit more closely (to the end of the first paragraph), I discovered that the loony lecturer was added the posteriorly-positioned cranial camera for the sake of an art exhibit. I for one can't wait to see the Mathaf: Arab Museum of Modern Art's exhibition of "The Back of a Nut of a Backwards Nut." As cinematic inspiration, I'm sure it will rank right up there with works like Andy Warhol's "5000 Ways to Make You Comatose," Frank Zappa's "I Celebrate Myself in Extreme Close Up," and Gigli.*

I'm not exactly sure what the ultimate goal of the artwork will be, but I suspect it will be like the Dada fur-covered toilet. It will be utterly useless, but everyone will want one.
* I'm told these first two films have other titles, but I had to go with what I remembered. I'm not about to Google or IMDB the words "Warhol" or "Zappa."

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