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Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Dora Goes Postal


Getting ready for work this morning - the new job, the one that's taking so much time and energy from blogging - I chanced to catch a bit of Nickelodeon, as the Littlest Fando was watching, in a state of quiet hypnosis before the start of a long school day. Apparently, as the adverts revealed, Dora the Explorer has a new movie out. It must be new-age themed, because it had something to do with sparkly crystals. Either that, or the execs at Nick have her shilling instant tea.

Dora, as you'll remember (or not, which is why I'm telling you this) is the plucky little bilingual explorer who has singlehandledly* mapped 50% of what appears to be Candyland. She is most famous for shouting "Cuidado!" in times of peril, which occur whenever she wanders off the rocky path or gets her backpack caught in brambles.

Anyway, I for one feel that Dora has taken the cutesy explorer bit as far as it will go. She needs to stretch her wings and her abilities as a fictional cartoon character. My suggestion: Action movies.

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Clips from Dora the Explorer's latest film: Dora the Exterminator

Scene 17:

(Dora is skipping through the woods, when suddenly Swiper the thieving fox appears)

Dora: Swiper! No swiping! Swiper, no swiping!

(Dora pulls out a .38 and blows Swiper's head off.)

Dora: My friends, I'd like to teach you a new word in Spanish: Muerte.

Scene 29:

(Dora is skipping through the woods with Bosephus, her giant gorilla. Bosephus is suddenly felled by sniper fire, gravely wounded with slow-motion impact shots. Several armed ninjas appear, wielding flamethrowers, machine guns, and at least one pocketknife.)

Dora: Cuidado! Cuidado! I need something out of my backpack!
(Cut to an image of the backpack - The Backpack song plays)
Backpack: Backpack! Backpack!
Dora's voice: Can you find something that will help me blow apart all these ninjas into a pile of tangled limbs? Is it the flamethrower? The M-16? The mortars? The bazooka?
(The pointer on the screen clicks on the bazooka)
Dora's voice: That's right!

(Cut back to the scene. Dora pulls the bazooka out of her backpack and wipes out the ninjas with a single shot, because the stupid buggers were all standing too close to each other.)

Dora: (Looking at camera) Muerte.
(The "We did it!" song starts up...)

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Sounds like a hit to me.**

*Not counting her monkey, Bosephus***
** Pun intended
***Yes, I know it's "Boots" but he reminds me of Hank Williams Jr.

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