You mess with Harpo Marx, you get the horns.

Saturday, February 05, 2011

2010, Your Best Year

Ladies and germs, I'm sorry to break the news to you, but it's official. 2010 was your best year. The result of weeks of scientific study, lab tests and generous heaps of polling data make it clear. You accomplished more, enjoyed more soda and cake, capered more freely and had more decent conversations in 2010 than in any previous year. The hard data: your family annoyed you 3% less in 2010 than in 2009, your shoes fit 1.3% more snugly than those ratty sneakers you wore from September 2007 until August of 2009, and you went to the circus an average of .5 times.

Dr. Sanjib Viktay of Petterstown University-Ranjni is quoted in the Sana Morning Town News as gravely intoning, "The result of these one million man hours of intensive research are surprising. It clears up for us many assumptions about how poorly you fared in 2010, and hopefully the publication of these details will go far to drive out the misconception people have that you were on a downward trend in life, both personally, financially and psycho-emotionally."

The researchers point to key moments in 2010 as indicators of the overall superiority of your experiences:

1) Your neighbor accidentally mowed part of your lawn on three separate occasions, saving you an estimated 5.3 minutes of combined work.

2) The waiter at Olive Garden undercharged you by five cents on that pasta primavera you enjoyed in April. Contrast that with the fifteen cent overcharge you suffered in 2009 at Bloth Family Pharmacy on your order of scar lightening cream.

3) You found seven pennies over the course of the year and picked up five of them. Compare that with the four pennies you found in 2009 and the one you picked up that had streptococcus bacilli living in the grooves of Lincoln's beard. Yes, that's how you got strep in 2009.

4) Your significant other made fun of you behind your back 24% fewer times in 2010 than in 2009.

5) That Nigerian Prince who e-mailed you in March of 2010 about the $25 million that he wanted to transfer to you if you would first cover the transfer cost of $2500? Believe it or not, he was legitimate. Even if you didn't take him up on the offer, this is still considered (from a scientific viewpoint) better than the five fake Nigerian Princes who tried to scam you in 2009.

6) You finally excreted out the intestinal worms you picked up on your trip to Mexico in 2005. Yes, you were entirely unaware of the worms, but it still happened. You picked up the worms from eating that street taco in Piedras Negras, and they had been multiplying in your colon ever since and making you more prone to sickness. Good news, they finally left your system on October 12, 2010.

With this hard data in hand, I hope you will finally quit complaining about 2010 and also cease looking forward to 2011. As Dr. and Mrs. Plenthil Fhant write in the Berkeley Journal of Notice, "2011 and the years to follow are unlikely to be any good for you. Find a way to enjoy them by lowering your expectations and possibly writing a book about the best year of your life, 2010." With this reasonable attitude in mind, you can probably find a way to enjoy 2011. Salut!

Yours Truly,

nuffy noe

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The Best of DoUI for 2010

Once again it's time for us to toot our horns. (That was a relief! Memo to self, skip the staff chili breakfasts from now on.)

It's also time for a review of the bits, posts, and random keyboard strikes that we've chosen as our best for the year. I should say, mostly MY best, as Nuffy and Stew have been more intermittent, having better things to do like golfing, writing great American screenplays, and watching episodes of 24 in high-definition television.


The Top 10

The Best of the Rest


Wednesday, February 02, 2011

Being Dainty

There is nothing wrong with being dainty. Yeah, you heard me. I'm not afeared to say it. I mean, seriously, someone needs to finally say it, and I am the one. There is nothing wrong with being dainty. Dainty is the new sarcastic. Sarcastic is soooooo 2007. Dainty is where it's at.

Now, having said that, and assuming you have all accepted my premise, let's talk about the qualities of being dainty. After all, it is a virtual certainty at this point that you will want to go out and practice being dainty. Get ahead of this trend, folks, before it passes you by. Don't wait for the bus driver or the mail carrier or the gong farmer to start being dainty before you hop on this best band wagon of all time.

Five tips for being dainty:

1) Stick that dang pinky finger out whilst sipping your tea. There is no good reason to keep the tiniest and lamest finger of all curled around the handle as if you needed its help to hold up the cup. Stick it straight out for all the world to see. That is dainty.

2) Tiptoes. There is no law obligating you to use the entire bottom of the foot when walking. It's just a ridiculous assumption that people make. "Oh," they say, "I have a heel, an arch, a ball of the foot and the pads of my toes. I'd better make sure every single one of those things touches the ground every time I take a step." Stop it! Just stop it! Only the front half of your foot should ever come into contact with the ground. Dainty people around the world already know and accept this.

3) Prancing. I do not, for the life of me, understand what everyone has got against prancing. People go out dancing, they spend a ton of money romancing, but where's all the prancing? Would the world really be a worse place if more people pranced now and again? I highly doubt it. Set out a block of time each afternoon to prance. You can prance in your backyard, on the sidewalk, in an open field somewhere, in your local park, or just right there in your dusty old drab living room full of kitsch paintings and tapestries.

4) Be impressed with unimpressive things. You read that right, dummy. You know how you act when you are genuinely impressed by something? Eyes wide, gasping noises, oohing and aahing, clapping your hands, taking an anxious step back. We all do these things when we're impressed, but now try doing them when you are not impressed. The next time a completely boring and uninteresting thing happens, exaggerate being impressed by it. People will know that you are dainty and never get over it.

5) Jingle bells on your clothes. Oh man, talk about the tenth level of dainty. This is it, stupids. You can buy whole bags of tiny, silver jingle bells at your nearest Christmas store or hobby shop. Get some clear thread and a sewing needle and attach those jingle bells to the hem of your garment, to the elbows of your sleeves, to the corners of your collar, to the ends of your shoelaces, to the butt of your jeans, whatever it takes. When you walk, it should sound like a Christmas nightmare breaking through the wall of sleep and vomiting itself into the real world like a Lovecraftian ooze.

If you can at least put these five things into practice, you will be well on your way to becoming fully and completely dainty. Get ahead of the trend before it's too late. Remember how you didn't get into the macarena until it was six months past being cool? Don't make that same mistake again. Be dainty today!

Your friend,

Nuffy Noe


Tuesday, February 01, 2011

VH1: Behind the Music - Infamous Moments in Rap

Highlights from the "lost" episode of VH1: Behind the Music.

[Self consciously hip music, accompanied by blurred shots of drugged out hippie musicians arguing, a well-dressed rock producer snorting coke, and Ozzy Osbourne riding a llama through a Whole Foods outlet]

NARRATOR: Tonight on VH1: Behind the Music: The genre of hip hop and particularly rap has taken the music industry by storm, evolving into a multi-billion dollar industry, and catapulting dozens of artists to stardom, regardless of their complete inability to sing, play an instrument, or figure out how to download their own songs from iTunes.

Yet, rap music has not been without its scandals and tragedies. No, not the violence, shootings, or sex scandals. Face it, that's the kind of news that music publicists would kill for and have repeatedly. No, tonight we look at the really sordid moments when rap failed to live up to its raw, naked idealism. Tonight, the most infamous moments in the history of rap music itself.

[Title: VH1: Behind the Music - The Most Infamous Moments in Rap Music (No, Seriously Man, These Are Bad)]


NARRATOR: The year was 1968 and rap hadn't even been invented yet. Somehow though, a young Jewish-Canadian actor managed to synthesize traditional African storytelling techniques, rhythmically dramatic poetry readings, and funky jazz. His name was William Shatner.

[Archival footage of Gene Roddenberry]

GENE RODDENBERRY: No one understood Bill Shatner's The Transfigured Man. Music critics didn't understand it. Musicians didn't grasp its significance. Hell, I thought he was smoking dope when I first heard it. Later on though, when the rap scene became prominent, we all understood.

[Rapper LL Cool J, sitting in a jacuzzi, wearing a mink fedora, sipping a large McDonald's drink]

LL COOL J: Shatner was fly, man. If his rendition of Mr. Tambourine Man had a sweet hip-hop groove behind it, it would go platinum today.

NARRATOR: Tragically though, it didn't, and scandalously, to this day, people think rap was invented by inner-city DJs.


NARRATOR: For awhile it seemed like anyone could put out a rap album, and many did.

[Christopher Walken in a studio in front of a mic. He is wearing a bright white sweatsuit, a backwards baseball cap, a variety of chains, and a large novelty watch on a necklace. Several of his teeth are gold-capped.]

CHRISTOPHER WALKEN: My name is Chris and I have to say, that I find it rather hard to talk this way.

[Betty White in a studio in front of a mic. She is wearing the same exact outfit that Walken wore, including the gold teeth.]

BETTY WHITE: I might be old and wrinkly but this granny ain't no sucker. I'm high on Geritol and I'm a mean mutha [expletive deleted].

[Julia Child in a studio in front of a mic. She is wearing a gold-plated chef's hat and an apron with the words "Saucy Wench" spelled out in rhinestones on the front.]

NARRATOR: Etc., etc.


NARRATOR: In 2005, the White House turned to rap in an effort to answer criticism about the government's response to Hurricane Katrina. Only a few cuts from the planned album survive. One was from a number titled "Sorry 'bout That Big Easy."

PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH - I never meant for floodin' or for the city to crumble.
Baby, you know this was a bipartisan bumble.
If I wanted New Orleans gone, if I had wanted it to pass,
I'd have sent a B2 bomber and just JDAM-med your ass.


GRANDMASTER FLASH: A lot of people have asked how they got those terrific low beats on the track, but it was really just Cheney pounding his chest to restart his heart between doing vocal beats. It turns out, people loved the sound so much, it's been sampled on over 250 rap tunes. Cheney didn't run for office because he's getting so much work as a hip-hop producer these days. He has to work under a pseudonym though: DJ Racy Pacemaker.

NARRATOR: President Barack Obama also toyed with the idea of using rap to communicate with the masses.

ICE CUBE: President Obama tried hard but it didn't work out. He kept wanting to go into his familiar speech rhythm, but the teleprompter couldn't keep up with the beat. Eventually it overheated, caught fire, and gave out. The poor guy got so confused, he broke out into an off-key version of Tiny Bubbles.


NARRATOR: Many actors and actresses tried their hand at rap music, but no one ever tapped into the scene with an authentic sound, with one exception: Meryl Streep.

DJ JAZZY JEFF: After her usual rigorous research and vocal training, she did such a good job her album sold 2,000,000 copies. Everyone thought it was a Snoop Dogg release.

NARRATOR: Even Snoop was convinced.

SNOOP DOGG: Damn man, I musta been stoned cold outta my mind when I did that record, cause I don't remember it at all.

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