Is There Anybody Out There?

Tommorrow the folks at NASA will be holding a press conference to discuss "an astrobiology finding that will impact the search for evidence of extraterrestrial life." This notice has set off a flurry of spacey speculation about the potentially astronomical consequences of the announcement. People are predicting everything from a new scientific discovery that will aid in the search for life on other worlds to the impending return of an extraterrestial Elvis to conquer the world and turn it into one giant combination of Graceland and Las Vegas.

Admittedly, that last one is a theory of mine.

Since NASA has not been forthcoming with details about ther impending conference, speculation is all we have until tomorrow. So, here are my ideas for what just might happen when the cameras start rolling.

• DNA turns out to be directions to their place.
• The bedbug scourge is extraterrestial in origin.
• Aliens are sending us several thousand variations of "Uranus jokes."
• NASA reveals they've been tricked by NBC Public Relations into believing that "The Event" is a reality series.
• We're getting extraterrestial demands to reinstate Pluto as a planet ...or else.
• Alien life discovered on a meteorite accidentally mistaken for guacamole in NASA lab. NASA just wanted to apologize and to appeal to aliens for the receipe.
• NASA finally provides a rational explanation for the playtpus.
• Aliens are sending us back edited versions of I Love Lucy in which the Mertzes are "from out of town."
• Andy Kaufman's back with an invasion fleet. (Somebody alert Berke Breathed.)
• Extraterrestial life consists of the exact same chemicals as Elizabeth Taylor "Diamonds" perfume.*
• Aliens have contacted Earth, demanding a "throwdown" with chef Bobby Flay.
• Alien lifeforms are sending audition tapes for "Survivor." NASA says that the tapes aren't really very good at all.
• NASA has discovered that supposedly advanced societies never got past their "disco" eras.
• Aliens want to take on Michael Jordan in a game of hoops, now that he's middle aged.
• Extraterrestials ask us to stop sending junk into space. They're sending back Voyager in a recycle bin.
• Aliens warn that Earth will be destroyed unless we stop beaming episodes of "Cake Boss" into space.
• NASA has discovered that random space static is actually the galaxy's most popular form of grunge music.
• Alien transmissions contain numerous references to the "leader of the Earth: Mr. Conan O'Brien."
• The press conference is mysteriously interrupted by a large mass of glowing swamp gas.

*This explains much about the ex-Mrs. Burton's spacey personality.