Playing Asteroids for Real

Depending on who you believe, the earth faces one of the following two possibilities:

1. The earth is in for a near miss in 2036 from a 900-foot long asteroid named Apophis
2. We're doomed! DOOMED I tell you!!

The first viewpoint is held by NASA. A few years ago they declared that the Earth was in serious risk of colliding with the asteroid in 2029. (This experience was reportedly the basis for the famous Bud Light commercial - though in real life they downed a whole bunch of Stella Artois and brie cheese.) However, after recalculating, getting their metric and standard people on one measurement system, and double-checking their U.S. Government surplus tape measure for warping, they changed their minds and declared that everything's cool. As far as NASA is concerned, Apophis is like the average hitchhiker on an interstate exit ramp: grubby, frightening, but passing out of sight as quickly as it comes into view.

Meanwhile, the second, "doomed" viewpoint is held be Russian scientists, who think there is a very good chance Apophis will hit a "gravitational keyhole*" in 2029, which will put the asteroid on a collision course with the earth in 2036. When asked where the asteroid would hit the earth, Russian scientists replied that considering current global trends and the odds, the consensus was on Detroit, Michigan.

NASA replied that the Russian scientists were exaggerating the chances of a collision, most likely as a prank to convince President Putin to leave the planet. NASA claims there is only a 1 in 250,000 chance that the collision scenario will happen. When asked for a real world example of those kinds of odds, a NASA spokesperson replied, "Oh, you know, about the chance that New Orleans will win the Super Bowl, the Boston Red Sox will win the World Series twice, and that the U.S. would have an African-American President all in the same decade." After a highly professional spit-take, she admitted those calculations were based on a 2003 research paper, commissioned by then Senator Joe Biden.

Regardless of who's right**, what is clear is that the earth needs a plan for defense. We can't just sit back and let any little punk asteroid who gets his hands on a gravitational keyhole crash his way into the Motor City, regardless of whether or not people would classify the results as "urban inprovement."

NASA and others are considering this very matter and devising what they call "earth protection strategies." Now, I know this sounds like a new kind of Geico policy, or a service your local mobsters offer ("Awfully nice planet you got there. It'd be a shame if anything happened to it.") In reality, it is actually a selection of tactics designed to redirect asteroids and other heavenly bodies to the shabbier, unpopulated parts of the solar system.

Most of these strategies are all very complex and subtle efforts to make minute but meaningful changes in the asteroid's trajectory. Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that instead of subtle, "reasonable" approaches, we need a real world version of the game Asteroids. You're thinking NASA needs to build a giant rotating spaceship with a massive cannon that can blast asteroids into a thousand pieces. You're even thinking that the cannon should make that "PWWW" sound when it fires.

I had that very same thought, and wasted half an hour making the "PWWW" noise while shooting imaginary space rocks with my finger. The only thing this accomplished was to highly agitate our dog.

Well, unfortunately, a giant space cannon can't make that "PWWW" noise, because there's no noise in space. The other main problem with this strategy is that, just as in the video game, when you start blowing up asteroids into bunches of pieces, those pieces fly around and create all kinds of havoc. By "havoc" I mean blowing up the giant space cannon and everyone sitting in it going "PWWW!" Remember what a pain that was in the game?

Also, flying saucers might show up and start shooting at the ship. Those guys have superior technology. Let's not piss them off until we get our overall weapons systems up to say, Star Trek levels.

No, the subtle methods are best, as boring and explosion-free as they are. However, the methods that scientists are currently proposing strike me as a whole lot of investment for uncertain results. Gravity, photon pressure, and playful nudges with a spacecraft all sound highly rational and make for terrific conversation around the geekier water coolers at Cape Kennedy, but asteroids are tricky, unreliable, rock-headed little jerks. We need methods that take their obvious character flaws into account.

Plus, what happens if our efforts only succeed in diverting the asteroid right into that gravitational keyhole***? It'd be just like a cosmic episode of I Love Lucy.

So allow me to conclude this post with my own modest contribution to the effort to save our planet.The good people at NASA can feel free to call me about these, if they need help with the details, or if they want an autographed copy.

Earl Fando's strategies for diverting an asteroid.

1. Large "Detour" sign in Esperanto
2. Launch Chuck Norris into space to take the asteroid out permanently
3. Giant ACME magnet
4. Point out how lovely Mars is and wouldn't you like to collide with it instead?
5. Confuse asteroid with David Blaine's card tricks and creepy personality
6. Work out a deal with the flying saucer aliens and have them take out the asteroid and deal with the rubble blowback
7. Position Major League batting champs on the International Space Station with really, REALLY big bats
8. Block it with the Moon (Sorry, Moon!)
9. Auto-tune the asteroid into a different key (isn't that how auto-tune works? It must have some useful purpose!)
10. Launch the Cookie Monster into space to eat the asteroid
11. Taze the asteroid into submission
12. Have David Beckham bend a few free kicks at the asteroid
13. Apply mathematics from national debt calculations to create a space-time wormhole, and push the asteroid through it
14. Scare off asteroid with a giant picture of a skunk
15. Scare off asteroid with a giant picture of a skank
16. Scare off asteroid with a giant picture of a skink (I can keep up this sort of thing all day.)
17. Create a massive gravitational disturbance in the asteroid's path by launching Egyptian president Hosni Mubarak's assets into space
18. Lure the asteroid with $5 foot-long specials at new Subway on Pluto
19. Giant "Game Over" sign that will cause the asteroid to disappear

* Not a euphemism, surprisingly
** And, as David Letterman used to say, "It's not a competition, so no wagering."
*** I admit it. I like the expression "gravitational keyhole." It's a lot of fun to write and say. Try working it into your own personal conversations!

Is There Anybody Out There?

Tommorrow the folks at NASA will be holding a press conference to discuss "an astrobiology finding that will impact the search for evidence of extraterrestrial life." This notice has set off a flurry of spacey speculation about the potentially astronomical consequences of the announcement. People are predicting everything from a new scientific discovery that will aid in the search for life on other worlds to the impending return of an extraterrestial Elvis to conquer the world and turn it into one giant combination of Graceland and Las Vegas.

Admittedly, that last one is a theory of mine.

Since NASA has not been forthcoming with details about ther impending conference, speculation is all we have until tomorrow. So, here are my ideas for what just might happen when the cameras start rolling.

• DNA turns out to be directions to their place.
• The bedbug scourge is extraterrestial in origin.
• Aliens are sending us several thousand variations of "Uranus jokes."
• NASA reveals they've been tricked by NBC Public Relations into believing that "The Event" is a reality series.
• We're getting extraterrestial demands to reinstate Pluto as a planet ...or else.
• Alien life discovered on a meteorite accidentally mistaken for guacamole in NASA lab. NASA just wanted to apologize and to appeal to aliens for the receipe.
• NASA finally provides a rational explanation for the playtpus.
• Aliens are sending us back edited versions of I Love Lucy in which the Mertzes are "from out of town."
• Andy Kaufman's back with an invasion fleet. (Somebody alert Berke Breathed.)
• Extraterrestial life consists of the exact same chemicals as Elizabeth Taylor "Diamonds" perfume.*
• Aliens have contacted Earth, demanding a "throwdown" with chef Bobby Flay.
• Alien lifeforms are sending audition tapes for "Survivor." NASA says that the tapes aren't really very good at all.
• NASA has discovered that supposedly advanced societies never got past their "disco" eras.
• Aliens want to take on Michael Jordan in a game of hoops, now that he's middle aged.
• Extraterrestials ask us to stop sending junk into space. They're sending back Voyager in a recycle bin.
• Aliens warn that Earth will be destroyed unless we stop beaming episodes of "Cake Boss" into space.
• NASA has discovered that random space static is actually the galaxy's most popular form of grunge music.
• Alien transmissions contain numerous references to the "leader of the Earth: Mr. Conan O'Brien."
• The press conference is mysteriously interrupted by a large mass of glowing swamp gas.

*This explains much about the ex-Mrs. Burton's spacey personality.

Things Star Trek Can Teach NASA

President Obama recently gave a speech about the future of NASA.  This made me immediately think of Star Trek. No, not "The Next Generation" or "Deep Space Nine" or "Voyager" or "Enterprise" or even the souped-up recent film that begs for a sequel, if only to clean up the temporal mess it created. No, I was thinking about "The Original Series," or as some fans call it "TOS," or as other fans call it, "The Only Real Freakin' Star Trek."

Let's face it, without Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Scotty, Sulu, Uhura, and Chekov it's not really Star Trek. Even the movies with the original cast outpace the spinoffs. Heck, I'll even take the cartoon version from the seventies (especially the hilarious outtakes).

Anyway, thinking about Star Trek has made me realize just how much the show has to teach us about future space exploration. I'm not just referring to the lessons of respect for all races and peoples and facing the future with optimism. I'm thinking of very specific lessons with obvious applications NASA will need to consider, whether it's landing on desolate asteroids or checking out the nightlife on Gamma Epsilon VII.

Here are a few of the things Star Trek can teach NASA:

• Invest in seat belts. When a big starship gets shaken around in the weightless vaccuum of space, it's just like bad turbulence in an airplane on Earth.
• Forget "prime directives." People ignore them the way U.S. government officials ignore tax law.
• Never take books about corrupt societies into space. Extraterrestial peoples will throw aside thousands of years of their own civilization to model themselves after a moderately well-written history book. "Good grief, Jim! The inhabitants of this planet are both gangsters AND Nazis!"
• A libido-obsessed lothario can rise to command, even if it's only as a means to score green alien babes. It's that kind of drive that gets us into deep space.*
• There's an interstellar market for textiles and clothing. Races of lizard men may be advanced enough to travel in space and bombard sophisticated human colonies, but they can't stitch together a decent uniform to save their scaly lives.
• If your astronauts run into exact copies of themselves, only with beards, this means they are in another dimension.  If the women have beards, it is a dimension to be avoided.
• Repressing your emotions may lead to really freaky courtships and eventual violent confrontation with friends, but apparently, it also makes you the smartest damn person in the room.
• We need medical space research. There's no disease so lethal and debilitating that it can't be reversed with futuristic medicine. "Our bodies have aged to 100 years and our extremities have fallen off, but I think I can reverse it all with this hypodermic shot!"
• Don't develop teleportation unless your astronauts enjoy looking like the sparkling vampires from Twilight.
• It's a really bad idea to create an "overload" switch to something that could explode violently, like phasers, starship engines (and actors' egos). Stick to "on," "off," "stun," and "kill."
• Alien races hate our violent impulses, and to demonstrate this superior philosophy, will force us to rip each other to bloody shreds in an arena of their choice. Avoid these snobs whenever possible.
• Tranya is a delightful beverage. It's Tang for aliens!
• Hire loads of Scottish engineers. Apparently, guys named Scotty can fix anything. As further evidence, does the name Angus MacGuyver ring a bell?
• Always keep track of the exchange rate for Quatloos.
• Hippies of the future are even more personally reckless than the current ones, and will have far worse taste in music. Stick to the usual NASA squares, baby.
• Time travel only messes stuff up. Sure you may meet Joan Collins in her heyday, but is that really worth it?
• We are all alike in many ways, meaning that every major alien race in the galaxy has two arms, two legs, one mouth, and bad 60's hairstyles. Anything outside these parameters isn't worth communicating with, or asking out.
• Keep loads of spare starships around.  Apparently, these are the only thing that can destroy giant, planet-eating machines.**
• Make room for specialists. For example, space doctors can't do anything outside medicine. "Bones, would you hand me that towel?" "Damn it, Jim, I'm a doctor not a cabana boy!"
• In the future, all cuisines will die off except for cafeteria food. Partner with Luby's now.
• Doors of the future will open automatically, like those of today in stores. Strangely though, they will all be considerably noisier. Invest in oil or earplugs.
• If you see Tribbles, set phasers to kill.

*Supply your own jokes here, you perverts.
**Which just happen to look like oversized shillelaghs.