Lies, all lies I tell you. I hope, anyway.
I don't why Earl has this fixation on claiming that my main man, Peter Graves (or as he's known in Italy Petrus Gravus), is a flesh-eating zombie. In fact, I have a copy of Who's Who Amoung American Flesh-eating Zombies and he's not even mentioned one time, although there is an entry for his erstwhile brother James Arness. I say erstwhile because obviously if James Arness is a zombie I would think that Peter has severed all relationships with him. So there, I think that answers all of our questions about the possibility that Peter is indeed an undead ghoul who roams the earth in search of man flesh to devour. I can't vouch for James Arness though, I'd watch my butt around him.
I think what the reader today is really wondering is, "What is Earl up to in his mountain retreat?". I thought this would be a good time to let you in on this little corner of Earl's life. Every year he and the family take a trek to a little cabin in the woods formerly owned by this man. They got it really, really cheap. It gives Earl a chance to commune with nature and get in touch with his Euell Gibbons side. His days are mostly filled with trying to find out what parts of a pine cone are edible and picking ticks off of his tender portions.
But it is the night that brings out the excitement in his little backwoods hamlet. The nights are filled with music as Earl and some of the neighbors jam the night away, singing and cooking s'mores over a roaring conflagration of Barbra Streisand records. They dance to the wee hours of the morning... and then pick more ticks from their tender portions (there's really an awfully lot of that actually).
Let's hope he comes back well rested and ready for the remainder of the year.