It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Irritated by Internet Lingo?

According to a poll conducted on behalf of the Lulu Booker Prize by YouGov, some people are very irritated by certain terms in common parlance on the Internet. Some of the most irritating words identified are as follows:

  • Folksonomy
  • Blogosphere
  • Blog
  • Netiquette
  • Blook
  • Cookie
  • Wiki

I can surely agree with "Folksonomy," mainly because I have no flipping idea what it means, if it means anything. It sounds like a sleep disorder suffered by hill people. I can also sympathize with "Blook" because it's one of those words that just feels made up, and not very well done at that. Even Lewis Carroll, who had a mania for ridiculous verbal contraptions second only to his number one hobby (inappropriate attention to juveniles) would have turned his frogilulous nose up at that one.

Nonetheless, I think some very interesting and annoying terms have been left off of this list, due to their relative obscurity. So, for the sake of making the this blog the most complete and inaccurate source of information on the planet after Wikipedia, here are a few of these incredibly irritating terms.

  • Blogazine - Either a magazine that takes the form of a blog, or some sort of eye medicine. Possibly a very potent cocktail. We're not sure which.
  • Spamalicious - The catch phrase for people so depressedly desperate for attention that they actually enjoy getting spammed. These are people who long to holiday in Nigeria and make millions of dollars transferring funds they earned from that massive stock that no one knew about, whilst having their personal bits enhanced with a kaledoscopic variety of mail-order drugs. The only other people who enjoy spam are humourists looking for a cheap topic for a book.
  • Anything with the capital letter E attached to it to signify "electronic." Yes, we know this isn't obscure and that e-mail fits this description too, but we really mean things like "E-postcard," "E-dating," "E-sex," "E-smoking," and "E-He/She never rings me anymore."

  • Wookie - A cookie from a wiki OR A wiki regarding Star Wars.

  • Oogle - The act of using Google to search the web for pictures of naked people.
  • Plantagenent-Repto-Supercillius-Excreoflatulence - Any online news about Paris Hilton.
  • Facebooked the Music - The act of tracking down a criminal via their FaceBook listing.
  • Yahoogle - The act of using Yahoo!'s search engine to locate a page on Google.
  • LOLSHIPMP - Laughing Out Loud So Hard I Peed My Pants. Quite frankly, this is Too Much Information. Also, at first glance, it looks as though the user is laughing at shrimp, which is simply cruel.
  • Cryptosplongular - This term is so obscure we have no idea what the hell it means. That is extremely irritating.
  • Oooey GUI - A Java-based, graphical user interface that uses pink hearts and kittens for all the controls. Has been known to cause projectile vomiting and diabetic comas.
  • Psychoticons - Emoticons used by mentally-distrubed people to unsettle the rest of you... I mean us. Examples: "X>(" = "corpse," "%>P" = "I'm watching you through binoculars," "(:0#" = "I plan to kidnap you and put duct tape over your mouth," and "$>)" = "Mr. Trump is hear to see you."
  • Coup Tube - Daily video postings about my authoritarian rule over this blog. The videos are wonderful, but I had insisted that the site be called "Earl Fando's Online Video Paradise."

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Monday, June 18, 2007

Oh, My Aching Back!

I've been away from here for a few days for a very good reason (unlike the other delinquent members of this blog) and that reason is my aging, aching back.

At 42 years of age... yes, I realise most of you fancy that I'm 25 and lean, dark-haired, and unwrinkled, but alas that hasn't been true for 17 years.... anyway, at age 42, the back has become less reliable, especially on the relic of a mattress Mrs. Fando and I have at home. It's one of those foam mattresses that is supposed to gently contour itself to your body. Well, it did for about the first 10 years. Now it gently contours itself to the maniacal whims of entropy. Our bodies just get in the way, much in the way the S.S. Poseidon got in the way of that ruddy massive tidal wave.

I never imagined becoming so old that I could injure myself sleeping, but apparently I have, and at the frisky, young age of 42. I now know why elderly people sleep as little as they do in their own beds. They are deathly afraid of sustaining major muscle injuries as a direct result of rolling over in an unconscious state. Instead, they sleep in environments that tend to prevent such action, such as in easy chairs and whilst driving.

I awoke Friday morning to a neck, back, and shoulder pain so fearsome that I thought I had been infected by one of those Alien thingys and it was trying to get out of my body directly through my scapula. It felt quite what I imagined acupuncture would feel like, were it done with an unsharpened ice pick by someone whose first name was either Jason, Freddy, Michael, or whatever the name of the character was in Basic Instinct, played by Sharon Stone. I didn't see that film, the but adverts were positively spine-wracking. She'd know how to use the ice-pick apparently.

So, I spent the rest of the day at home, sitting - or more accurately, curled up in a fetal ball - in the easy chair. I didn't so much as touch a computer until Saturday morning, and then only briefly. Fortunately, the back and neck are better today, though still stiff as a cricket bat in January.

I'll try to get back to posting more regularly this week. Someone here should...

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