If you're not Donald Trump, check out our archives below. If you are Donald Trump, fix your hair before you do that. Please.

Friday, October 13, 2006

It's Friday the 13th!!!

Which is actually a day where things tend to go right for me. Not being a superstitious type, I don't go in for rabbit's feet, throwing salt over my shoulder (that's good salt wasted... put it on those crisps), or constantly walking in small circles and muttering the best lines from Raising Arizona to myself, doing all the voices. I should point out that Stew does this last bit, but not for superstitious reasons.

No, I am obsessive, which means I check the car door locks about two dozen times during a one hour trip, or 7 times during a trip to the off-license. That's completely different.

I was amongst some theater people the other day when one of that lot exclaimed, "...and do not utter the title of that Scottish play!" Now, besides the fact that it is an English play about the Scots, which is always going to cause some consternation among the Scots, it is a very silly superstition from a community that has absolutely no compunctions whatsoever about encouraging performers to "break a leg." Ancient Scottish king? Never, never, never (insert George H. W. Bush loop as done by Dana Carvey here)!!! Compound tibial fracture? By all means!!!!

Anyway, here's your chance to get on the blog, if indeed anyone is reading this. What's your favourite superstition? What strange and peculiar (but not unnatural, please) practice do you engage in out of fear or even habit.

E-mail them to my address link to the left or snail mail to:

I'm a Looney
c/o Maureen Dowd and David Brooks
The New York Times

229 West 43rd Street
New York, NY 10036

...just for our amusement. Happy Friday the 13th!!! Watch out for the bloke in the ice hockey mask!!!!

Thursday, October 12, 2006

They mean business...THIS TIME!!!!

The world is moist with frightful anticipation of what King Ill Dong will do next. Will he perform another test of one of his "nuclear bombs"?(said while making quote marks with hands) Will he appear on Oprah and declare his love for Gayle King? Will Puffy Ami Yumi write a protest song? I think the more important question at this time is: Why is this crazy little bespecled troll so mad and what can the world do about it? The answer to the first part may have to do with polyester and chafing but it's the last part that has many world leaders up in arms.

As Earl so eloquently put it earlier, we don't like to dabble too much in the socio-political, geo-political, or psycho-political realms as these are best left to small-brained arthropods with penchants for using pictures of political figures with human mouths mockingly chroma-keyed on them. (Conan excepted because he actually made it cool for a while.) However, we will make an exception for Mr. Dong since he is so wacked out and a funny little bugger to boot.

It appears that the United Nations is preparing to get down with their bad-selves and hit North Korea with sanctions. While the UN is as effective as a doggie door in an hippo cage, we must suppose that they are going to take this situation seriously and impose the harshest of sanctions. (sounds of Stew falling off chair and laughing.......continuing for approximately ten minutes until he is actually coughing due to the extreme pressure on his diaphram produced by his gulping of air between guffaws) Sorry where was I, oh yeah, the sanction thing, anyway we only wonder what actually occurs in the closed chambers of the Security Council. So here it is.

UN Security Council closed meeting on North Korea

Secretary General: Ok, let's come to order. We are here today to discuss the sanctions proposed for North Korea in light of their present activities. We have many interesting ideas that have been presented. For instance Trinidad and Tobago has suggested we take away his chicken, China has proposed a time out on the little chair, France has suggested a new haircut and couture, and the United States wants to cut his subscription to Juggs.

French Ambassador: Zis ees out-ra-geous! Taking a man's porn eez not zi answer. Surely, we cannot be so cruel.

U.S. Ambassador: (chewing on mustache) Shut up Frenchie!

SG: Gentlemen, gentlemen please. This is a very serious matter and we must settle on a regime of sanctions that has teeth and a tersely worded statement. Now, who had the pastrami on rye?

Russian Ambassador: Mr. Secretary General, the Russian people are a proud people. We have survived may struggles from...

(one hour later)

and we have grown stronger and more united with every passing year.

SG: (waking up) Oh yes. What is your suggestion then?

Russia: We will launch an all out nuclear assault on Pyongyang, obliterating them from the peninsula.

(General grumbling and shocked faces on the other ambassadors)

SG: I can't believe what I am hearing. This is an outrage and...

Russia: (peeling off mask to reveal Ashton Kuchar) You've been punk'd!!!!!!

(General relief and laughter followed by Kuchar being subdued by guards and removed from the chambers) (followed by more laughter)

SG: Since we have a decent list of sanctions, let's try to work on the letter. Don't forget we need to be as terse as possible here. I say we start out, "Dear Glorious Leader".

U.S.: That's not too freakin' terse, how about "Dear Killer Commie"?

UK: Let's just drop the "Dear".

(Gasps all around, besides a smile on the US Ambassadors face)

SG: (warming to the idea) Damn!

UK: Just a suggestion.

SG: Gentlemen, we are entering uncharted territory here. Let the record show... we are removing the salutation and in its place will simply be "YO".

***********************

From: UN Security Council

To: Kim Jong-Il - North Korea

Yo!

The United Nations representatives have met and deem your current acts as a provocation and must condemn them in the strongest of terms. Furthermore, sanctions will be presented for a vote by the General Assembly. (See list below)

  • Holding back certain food aid and technological aid.
  • Reducing your staff at the UN.
  • Soup and sandwiches on Monday now reduced to just sandwich.
  • Taking away your chicken.
  • Hairspray shipments cease until you do something about your 'du.
  • Red bandana's can be worn only on Wednesdays.
  • No free Starbucks.

Please understand that this is a serious matter and we will not stand for further activity that threatens the world. Strike one, mister!!!!!!!!!

Your friends (don't lose us),

UN Security Council

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Kim Thinks He's the Bomb

According to news reports, North Korea has tested a nuclear weapon. This news was received with the kind of international joy generally reserved for massive earthquakes and typhoons, which is to say none. In North Korea, it was met with the kind of joy generally reserved for the news that someone found a three-week old, half-eaten Cadbury Flaky bar behind a dumpster, which means dinner for a family of 12.

Whilst we at DOUI try to avoid partisan politics there can be no question that North Korean leader Kim-Jong-Il (or as we refer to him here at DOUI - Kim-Ill-Dong) is as mad as Dr. Crippen in a psychedelic production of Alice in Wonderland. This is a man who's chief pasttimes include:

  1. Imprisoning, torturing, and executing dissidents
  2. Diverting food supplies to the military and Communist elites, resulting in the deaths of millions of ordinary North Koreans
  3. Executing asylum-seekers in droves
  4. Bedding unwilling North Korean actresses (if you've seen Kim, you get the whole "unwilling" part)
  5. Surfing the net for porn.
  6. Picking out which jumpsuit to wear that day

In other words: Hitler, if Hitler had a burning passion to be Hugh Hefner, only without the sartorial style. For Kim-Ill-Dong, death isn't just an event, it's a hobby.

So, the news that a country led by such a completely daft git may have nuclear weapons is completely alarming in the same way that finding out your neighbours have just purchased sub-machine guns and are telling people up and down the lane that they don't bloody well like the way you arrange the begonias in your garden is alarming.

Indeed, one of the few hopes that we have that this could turn out well is if Kim blows himself up. What follows is a suggested plan of action for those in the North Korean military who have had it up to here with "blonde procurement duty" and explaining to civilians the reasons they've put on a little weight in the last few months:

**********

NK Military Officer: Dearest Leader, we would like you to see the latest glorious test of the people's nuclear defence mechanism in person!

Kim-Ill-Dong: I will do this thing, because I am not at all terribly bright and it might impress the young actress that I have tied up in my beachhouse enough to less violently resist my romantic overtures.

NK Military Officer: Dearest Leader, are you referring to the glorious overtures involving the people's peanut butter and a decadent Western crescent spanner?

Kim-Ill-Dong: No, the one with the decadent Western cowboy hat, the people's branding iron, and the life-size Madeline Albright blow-up doll. Yee-hah and Wang-Chung! Why do you ask?

NK Military Officer: Just glorious curious.

[two weeks later]

NK Military Officer: Dearest Leader, here we are at the glorious test sight of the glorious people's nuclear defence thingy.

Kim-Ill-Dong: It is glorous indeed! Boo-yah!!!

NK Military Officer: You are looking at my glorious secretary, Dearest Leader.

Kim-Ill-Dong: Of course I am looking at them! What is the name of this fearsome temptress of the people's beloved leader?

NK Military Officer: Gloria S. You will want to look over here, Dearest Leader, at the glorious thingy with the large fuse and no bosom.

Kim-Ill-Dong: Ah, yes! It is a very large fuse, not unlike my own...

NK Military Officer: Dearest Leader, this is a glorious family blog. That, and you're completely lying.

Kim-Ill-Dong: Whoops! I forgot, but only because I am so dim and insane. Where should I safely stand for the test?

NK Military Officer: First you will need put on these cumbersome special glorious goggles. [Long pause] Dearest Leader, you will first have to take off your usual cumbersome special goggles. Now, walk in that glorious direction... Yes! Keep going! Glorious!

Gloria S.: Yes?

Kim-Ill-Dong: I can't see a thing in these! How much farther do I have to go? What is this large metal thingy I've run into? Is that ticking my glorious decadent fake Rolex?

[Large explosion]

**********

I think this might work, particularly if you include the glorious temptress, but especially the large explosion.

Monday, October 09, 2006

Google Tubing

Google has bought You Tube outright for $1.65 billion U.S., which proves that one company can purchase another solely on the phantom value of its stocks. The chief executive of You Tube, a company created for around $11 million U.S. just a year ago said that he was delighted about the sale. This was after having had a change of pants at least 3 times.

Some people wonder what this will mean for You Tube's oddball assortment of video personalities now that a massive conglomerate like Google has bought them out. Excuse me, I have to stop the snickering... No, seriously, nothing will happen to these people because Google doesn't have a clue what to do with You Tube except continue to run it and hope that it doesn't break.

Indeed, aside from the censorship of Lonelygirl 15's obsessive, self-referential, fictionalised rants in China, and the censorship of the obessive, self-referential, semi-fictionalised rants of her chief detractor Renetto (which ironically is Portugese for Lonelyguy 15) in college fraternities, little can be expected to change. The freaky videos will still be there (because the Chinese Communists are all about opiates for the masses) and the political paranoia will still be as rampant as Justin Timberlake's bad taste.

However, one might expect Google to get a little more programmatic, perhaps even contrivedly so, in order to recoup some of the enormous expense in paying the broker for this transaction.

Some suggestions as to what we might see on You Tube soon:

Bradelygirl 15 - The video journal of what happens when Brad Pitt gets tired of Angelina Jolie's globetrotting do-gooderness and decides to shack up with an underaged, underground, fake-personal-video maven. Lots of talking and silliness, and pretend revelations about Angelina.

The NoHo Girls Go Martha - Housewarming and fixer-up tips from the strange trio of young women who enjoy lounging around in jammies and dishing on their peculiar boyfriends. (Not that I've seen more than the one clip...really) Epsiode 1: How to make a doily out of an old worn out nightie. Coming Soon to K-Marts wherever they haven't closed down.

Naruto Bootlegs - No change from the current You Tube listings, except for the added commercials from Google.

The Week in Computer and Video Games - The best of over one zillion clips from innocuous gaming events recorded by bored little gits hyped up on caffiene while they wait for the next episode of Naruto. As mesmerising as the new Survivor series.

The VioletKitty411 Top 40 Countdown - The female version of Scott Walker counts down the week's top hits by singing them all to some of the greatest elevator music arrangements ever written. It's a shame ToneLoc's not still cranking out the hits, just to see what she could do with one of those. Guest appearances by Michael Bolton and Barry Manilow.