According to news reports, North Korea has tested a nuclear weapon. This news was received with the kind of international joy generally reserved for massive earthquakes and typhoons, which is to say none. In North Korea, it was met with the kind of joy generally reserved for the news that someone found a three-week old, half-eaten Cadbury Flaky bar behind a dumpster, which means dinner for a family of 12.
Whilst we at DOUI try to avoid partisan politics there can be no question that North Korean leader Kim-Jong-Il (or as we refer to him here at DOUI - Kim-Ill-Dong) is as mad as Dr. Crippen in a psychedelic production of Alice in Wonderland. This is a man who's chief pasttimes include:
- Imprisoning, torturing, and executing dissidents
- Diverting food supplies to the military and Communist elites, resulting in the deaths of millions of ordinary North Koreans
- Executing asylum-seekers in droves
- Bedding unwilling North Korean actresses (if you've seen Kim, you get the whole "unwilling" part)
- Surfing the net for porn.
- Picking out which jumpsuit to wear that day
In other words: Hitler, if Hitler had a burning passion to be Hugh Hefner, only without the sartorial style. For Kim-Ill-Dong, death isn't just an event, it's a hobby.
So, the news that a country led by such a completely daft git may have nuclear weapons is completely alarming in the same way that finding out your neighbours have just purchased sub-machine guns and are telling people up and down the lane that they don't bloody well like the way you arrange the begonias in your garden is alarming.
Indeed, one of the few hopes that we have that this could turn out well is if Kim blows himself up. What follows is a suggested plan of action for those in the North Korean military who have had it up to here with "blonde procurement duty" and explaining to civilians the reasons they've put on a little weight in the last few months:
**********NK Military Officer:
Dearest Leader, we would like you to see the latest glorious test of the people's nuclear defence mechanism in person!Kim-Ill-Dong:
I will do this thing, because I am not at all terribly bright and it might impress the young actress that I have tied up in my beachhouse enough to less violently resist my romantic overtures.NK Military Officer:
Dearest Leader, are you referring to the glorious overtures involving the people's peanut butter and a decadent Western crescent spanner?Kim-Ill-Dong:
No, the one with the decadent Western cowboy hat, the people's branding iron, and the life-size Madeline Albright blow-up doll. Yee-hah and Wang-Chung! Why do you ask?NK Military Officer:
Just glorious curious.
[two weeks later]NK Military Officer:
Dearest Leader, here we are at the glorious test sight of the glorious people's nuclear defence thingy.Kim-Ill-Dong:
It is glorous indeed! Boo-yah!!!NK Military Officer:
You are looking at my glorious secretary, Dearest Leader.Kim-Ill-Dong:
Of course I am looking at them! What is the name of this fearsome temptress of the people's beloved leader?NK Military Officer:
Gloria S. You will want to look over here, Dearest Leader, at the glorious thingy with the large fuse and no bosom.Kim-Ill-Dong:
Ah, yes! It is a very large fuse, not unlike my own...NK Military Officer:
Dearest Leader, this is a glorious family blog. That, and you're completely lying.Kim-Ill-Dong:
Whoops! I forgot, but only because I am so dim and insane. Where should I safely stand for the test?NK Military Officer:
First you will need put on these cumbersome special glorious goggles. [Long pause] Dearest Leader, you will first have to take off your usual cumbersome special goggles. Now, walk in that glorious direction... Yes! Keep going! Glorious!Gloria S.:
I can't see a thing in these! How much farther do I have to go? What is this large metal thingy I've run into? Is that ticking my glorious decadent fake Rolex?
I think this might work, particularly if you include the glorious temptress, but especially the large explosion.