You mess with Harpo Marx, you get the horns.

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Harry Potter and the Wobbly Wand

Dan Radcliffe has gone completely mental.

The star of the Harry Potter films is currently in London, appearing in a production of Peter Shaffer's dereanged play Equus, which is about a young man who ...let's just say he has a "thing" for horses. Also, it's supposed to be a partially religious thing. It's sort of like someone who wants to intensely caress and groom the Virgin Mary, as if she were an Appoloosa at a really drunken stag night.

The most controversial part of the play is that the role Radcliffe is playing, that of Alan Strang, the young, horse-worshipping nutter, requires total nudity, as well as simulated sex. As Radcliffe is 17, such a performance would land him in Juvenile Hall in the States, and his producers in the sexual offenders' wing of the local gaol, trying not to get killed by the general population.

However, in London it only means sold out seats and tons of notes for the exploiters... ahem producers, because apparently 16 is the age of consent in Britain these days...and of course, what 16-17 year old male doesn't want to get nude and "simulate" sex...especially after all the alcohol they can now drink at the pubs?

As to the performance, the critic for The Telegraph said, "Daniel Radcliffe brilliantly succeeds in throwing off the mantle of Harry Potter, announcing himself as a thrilling stage actor of unexpected range and depth." Well, he threw off more than the mantle, didn't he. I'm assuming "mantle" isn't a euphemism. Of course the British press will say anything to justify someone romping around in the altogether in front of a slightly intoxicated crowd. At least The Sun is honest about it.

This is just another example of the strangely European fascination (and I use the word "European" guardedly when speaking of Old Blighty) with sex, nudity, sex, and more sex (and, on top of all that - no pun intended - more sex). Europeans are constantly complaing that Americans are sex-obsessed, whilst simultaneously throwing themselves into ribald licentiousness with all the subtlety of Vinnie Jones in the tackle. (Those in America who don't know football/soccer can substitute the phrase "Shaq in the slam-dunk.") Then they claim that Americans are "repressed" and "unsophisticated" simply because they have the decent common sense not to have intercourse in public lifts or restaurants.

As for young Mr. Radcliffe, clearly he is labouring under a very old delusion, one usually reserved for female starlets just above his age. The producer walks in and says, "If you want to be taken seriously, then you need to do an adult role!" The insecure actor/actress then says, "Sure, Mr. Slimepenny!" and pretty soon they're falling all over themselves to get into the equivalent of one of Russ Meyer's less sophisticated films. One can quickly surmise that Dan's female co-star in the Potter films, the lovely Emma Watson, found a stack of such screenplays on her agent's desk the day of her 16th birthday, dripping with saliva.

Dan's a good actor. If he wants to do an "adult" role, how about Hamlet or Of Mice and Men? Romeo and Juliet (sans topless scene please - you can bet Shakespeare didn't stage that one with the Virgin Queen stalking about the Old City)? I've heard that The Real Inspector Hound is quite entertaining? Even Shaffer's Amadeus would be a marked improvement.

Adult means grown up, not "porno," at least as far as us real adults go. For heaven's sake, Shaffer wrote the play in the 70's ...he was probably stoned out of his mind, anyway. It certainly plays that way.

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Offensive U.S. State Names

Nuffy, Stew and I were exchanging a bit of e-mail this week, when Nuffy informed us that the state of Indiana would soon be changing its name to "Multiculturiana," so as not to give offense to people of Indian or Native American descent.

I'm sorry, but I feel this does not go far enough. "Washington" is very offensive to people in the cleaning industry. "Florida" obviously mocks florists and women named "Flora."

There's more. "Oklahoma" has long insulted people who grow oak groves. (Sample insult: "Is Oklahoma 'la homa de Oaks?" Well, Har-dee-har-har.) "Wisconsin" has long troubled people with criminal records. "Massachusetts" is the bane of Catholic railroad engineers. "New Hampshire," "New York," and "New Mexico" are especially insulting to people from Hampshire, York, and Mexico (as well as confusing to Homer Simpson, who once remarked, "Hey, there's a *New* Mexico!") "Illinois" taunts the chronically sick, "Louisiana" humiliates French kings and American trumpet players, "North Carolina" and "South Carolina" are invective upon people named Carol, "Mississippi" is derogatory to manufacturers of straws and "sippy" cups, "Pennsylvania" is an especially grave epithet against writing implements manufactured by vampires...

...and of course I need not explain what old profession the name "Idaho" has heaped scorn upon. ("You da what?") It is the exact opposite of the degrading mockery that is "Virginia."

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Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Oscar Defied Me

I tried to tell the truth, ladies and gentlemen, about all the perversions and weirdness going on at the Academy Awards, but the underlings of secret dark powers known as Oscar prevented me by virusing my blogger. I don't know how they did it. Perhaps it was arcane magic. Perhaps it was disk operating system eating worms, but somehow they broke right into the midst of my Live Oscar Blog and smashed everything in sight, and I could not post. This is what I get for talking about Joan Rivers' neck falling off, and this is what "The Man" does when you try to mention Ryan Gosling and his association with Britney Spears' bank account.

But you've failed, The Man, you've failed. All the moist truths are coming out anyway, even if they are a day late. Jack Nicholson's "accident" on stage with the stains and drippings will be talked about, even if you tried to censor it from the live broadcast. The lack of a Mark Northover tribute will be discussed right here in this blog, even if you don't like it, because Mr. Northover's performance as Chauncy Neverenstein in Dogs for the Pennywhistle Lovers was truly the best posthumous performance of the decade. Ellen Degenerate's fake pants will not be overlooked, for I will mention it. Despite clever editing, it was obvious to anyone who paid attention that her pants were patently fake. Fake pants, Oscar! Is that all you had to offer us this year? Jack Nicholson's stains, Mark Northover's overlooked best performance as a hat merchant with a penchant for axe murder, and Ellen Degenerate's fake pants. That's it? Hmph, says I, hmph! I will wait for the Tony Awards!

Sunday, February 25, 2007

OK - Here are all the posts from the moment...

That Stew realised we could edit these posts... This should approximate everything that we managed to save. Again, sorry for the technical difficulties. Blogger has some issues they need to fix.

Read from the bottom up to make sense of it. A Tivo of the Oscar show would help.

It's over!!! Thanks... all of you who, as Stew put it, "sat through this crap." We appreciate you very, very much.

Thanks to the people at the Academy for not putting an injunction on this event (though I suspect Cruise and Clooney may have some friends at Blogger tonight).

Thanks to the Fando, Miller, and Noe spouses who kindly put up with this nonsense during the great Mummenchanz performance this evening.

Thanks to all those who laughed, even if they're too young to know what Mummenchanz is

And Thanks to Blogger, who's incompetence and petulantly unprofessional refusal to provide timely support made this 10 times more difficult than it should have been.

But as Dave Barry would say, I am not bitter.

Not much, anyway. We'll still use the service as long as it's free.

Time to finish that Bloody Mary.

Night all! Thanks again!
posted by Earl Fando 2/25/2007 11:23:00 PM

Getting to the end now. Best Pic.
Jack is having Diane read the nominees so he can announce the winner.Maybe he can't read the autocue though...

Here it is. The Departed. Missed that one. Clint has been bested. Duck!

"The first movie he's ever done with a plot?" Well, I suppose we'll see more of them then, eh?
posted by Earl Fando 2/25/2007 11:15:00 PM

the Media Edition must have bumped me back to an earlier time.I take that this is Best Director we're on now.Now the 3 year old is calling. Probably see you tomorrow.Thanks for everyone who sat through this crap. Good night.
posted by Stew Miller 2/25/2007 09:54:00 PM

If they interrupt Marty...
Clint will shoot the conductor. You can hear him spinning the bullet-thingy of his revolver.
posted by Earl Fando 2/25/2007 11:11:00 PM

Forrest Whitakker was clearly pumped up!
Directors now... and Martin Scorsese now has an Oscar. Take that Three-Six-Crew!
posted by Earl Fando 2/25/2007 11:09:00 PM

Blimey! BAFTA and an Oscar.
He was second on my list - splendid actor...but O'Toole not getting an Oscar!
Well, he's young, yet.
posted by Earl Fando 2/25/2007 11:06:00 PM

Peter O' Toole
Just getting this in before the award if I can.
posted by Earl Fando 2/25/2007 11:03:00 PM

I'm ready for the backstage bloke to stop...
..and what's with Jeeves dusting the Oscars every 15 minutes. Is Philip Seymour Hoffman that dusty?
posted by Earl Fando 2/25/2007 10:58:00 PM

Helen Mirren of course
I was typing it as Philip said it.
What's that peculiar American expression? Ah, yes... "Duh!"
posted by Earl Fando 2/25/2007 10:55:00 PM

All right, I was wrong...
I do have a few comments about the departed, all tastefully respectful.

I didn't know that Red Buttons passed away... and he never had a roast.

Robert Altman received the Lifetime Achievement Award last year.

The award is known to Academy senior citizens as "The Kiss of Death Award." Clint Eastwood has vowed to shoot anyone who tries to give the award to him, so they keep giving him regular Oscars instead. Jack Nicholson has a special golf club set aside for anyone who tries to give one to him.
posted by Earl Fando 2/25/2007 10:53:00 PM

Nice speech from what's her name...
...the editing award winner.Now those who've passed. No jokes here.
posted by Earl Fando 2/25/2007 10:45:00 PM

Hollywood showing that they know...
...less about America than people from other planets.

The bits on religion were priceless. Hollywood's idea of religion is people hitting themselves over the heads with big floppy Bibles, whilst asking for money on the telly.

Back to the actual awards, so we can hear someone cut off in mid-speech to make room for another film bit or Mummenchanz routine.
posted by Earl Fando 2/25/2007 10:42:00 PM

Stew appears to have tuckered out.
Reediting all this and then saving it for later is very wearing. The Oscar for best portrayal of incompetent gits goes to Blogger, hands down.
posted by Earl Fando 2/25/2007 10:36:00 PM

John Travolta: Full-Figured Woman! (more)
Seriously, when he said it I thought it was just the Bloody Mary taking effect.
posted by Earl Fando 2/25/2007 10:33:00 PM

John Travolta: Full-Figured Woman!
For once, I can't wait to see the Enquirer headline next week.

Melissa Rodham-Etheridge wins for best song. Al Gore is forcibly restrained from accepting the Oscar by Melissa's incredible wife and four children. The science of that alone stunned him.
posted by Earl Fando 2/25/2007 10:31:00 PM

Stew, I'm having that Bloody Mary now.
...and it's delicious. Skyy vodka does the trick, mate.Meanwhile, the longest musical number in Oscar's history enters its second hour.
posted by Earl Fando 2/25/2007 10:27:00 PM

When Jennifer Lopez walked out...
... The orchestra should have played, "Still Crazy After All These Years."

Beyonce is making her 4,000th Oscar appearance in the last 3 years.
posted by Earl Fando 2/25/2007 10:22:00 PM

The message of the J.C. Penney's commercial?
Films make people mental! Makes me want to run right out and buy an umbrella.
posted by Earl Fando 2/25/2007 10:19:00 PM

Matthew Broderick's Assistant Won
I wonder if he's thinking, "Matthew, now you can get my $%^&ing coffee, pal!"This was one of the most certain outcomes of the evening, I think.

More Mummenchanz again. The Devil Wears Prada? Was that nominated?
posted by Earl Fando 2/25/2007 10:16:00 PM

And then....
She guns him down. "Oh, your beauty. Mr. Remington."
posted by Stew Miller 2/25/2007 09:54:00 PM

It's the comic book hour!
All right, they've done this bit.BTW - Letters from Iwo Jima will win best picture. Why? Five words: "Do you feel lucky, punk?"
posted by Earl Fando 2/25/2007 10:13:00 PM

Hey Wolverine
Come on, I can take ya!!!-I'm Spiderman
posted by Stew Miller 2/25/2007 09:54:00 PM

The Academy Head Man
Time for a drink. My arse is numb from sitting here with this laptop.He talks that fast in real life, I'm told. Ellen owes him a dollar.
posted by Earl Fando 2/25/2007 10:11:00 PM

He's taller than in the comics.
posted by Earl Fando 2/25/2007 10:08:00 PM

Morricone did well.
It can't be easy knowing that the man standing besides you is heavily armed and could go, as is said in America, "postal" at any moment.

Clint's Italian was fantastic. The man should speak it in films. He might get one of those Oscars one day!
posted by Earl Fando 2/25/2007 10:07:00 PM

What Morricone is saying is...
"I wonder if the producer realises I'm having them on. They don't dare start the music early on me, the capitalista weasels!"

It's either that or "I write the songs that make the young girls sing!" My Italian is rusty. Hell, it's non-existent.
posted by Earl Fando 2/25/2007 10:04:00 PM

Just think
one day Snoop Dog will be up there accepting the award for Lifetime Achievement.Nah, just kidding? I must be loaded.
posted by Stew Miller 2/25/2007 09:54:00 PM

Since Nuffy's not here...
...I should add, did anyone catch when Clint Eastwood buried his face in Celine Dion's banque account. That was right before his neck fell off.All right his neck has been falling off for years. I hope that mine looks that good when I'm ninety.
posted by Earl Fando 2/25/2007 10:00:00 PM

Ennio is either enrapt by Celine...
...or thinking to himself, "Her Italian is awful! I hope she doesn't sing that Titanic song, too! That was such crap!"I'm just guessing, of course.
posted by Earl Fando 2/25/2007 09:57:00 PM

Al Gore will be accepting the Oscar...
...for Signore Moricone, unless Ellen tackles him on the way up.
posted by Earl Fando 2/25/2007 09:55:00 PM

Just going to sit in awe
for a few moments. I do love Morricone. Dulcet tones indeed. Ah, Cinema Paradiso now.
posted by Stew Miller 2/25/2007 09:54:00 PM

Ennio! Ennio!

The bloke rocks.
posted by Earl Fando 2/25/2007 09:53:00 PM

Where's the music!!!!!!!!!!!!!
posted by Stew Miller 2/25/2007 09:36:00 PM

Jesus Camp...
Bet that was sympathetic.

Oh, and Al gore is on stage again, even though he didn't actually win an award. It's bad enough when the Oscars are political but can the politicians stay home? Please?????

OK - except for Clint who was a mayor once.
posted by Earl Fando 2/25/2007 09:50:00 PM

Where has Jerry been?
And when will he do a real film?

It's Al Gore's big moment. Will he take the stage? Will he preen? Is his makeup toned down?

Jerry is good. When will HE host the show?
posted by Earl Fando 2/25/2007 09:46:00 PM

...Microsoft Vista is a piece of crap! Well, they'll be saying it in a few months.

We havent' really written about the commercials tonight. They've mostly been unremarkable, with the exception of the clever Wes Anderson one (but what was that for?) Oh, and the Sonic boys did a foreign language film. I'm still cleaning the wretch out of the inside of my mouth... and I had Sonic tonight.
posted by Earl Fando 2/25/2007 09:44:00 PM

Best supporting actress
You knew they wouldn't give it to the child, they never do. If Anna Paquin didn't win, no child could.

George Clooney and Al Gore would be drank under the tables by Jack Nicholson. I could do with a Bloody Mary right about now, myself.
posted by Earl Fando 2/25/2007 09:37:00 PM

The Lives of Others
Right now, millions of Americans are saying to themsleves, "Hey, I don't remember seeing that at the local Cobb Cinemas!"
posted by Earl Fando 2/25/2007 09:33:00 PM

Where's Godzilla?
Didn't that win a Best Foreign Film Oscar? Not even Godzilla versus Mothra
posted by Earl Fando 2/25/2007 09:29:00 PM

It's like Hiroshima Mon Amour...
with a Japanese Actor and a French Actress.

Catherine Denevuve looks more and more like Barbara Walters the older she gets. I'm sure she's thrilled.Maybe Barbara will interview her next year. Wouldn't that be eerie?

(Nuffy - You can update posts as well and play along. Be sure and identify yourself though if you update the third one (with Stew's name on it) or you can update the time and move your posts up now. Stew, if you update the date and time, you can move the posts around as well. )
posted by Earl Fando 2/25/2007 09:26:00 PM

Yes, we missed the Tom Cruise jokes.

He was doing a humanitarian award, the Jean Hersholt...Also known as the "Pat a fellow Academy member on the back" Award.

Robert Downey is on now, looking mildly sober.


Mumenchanz Returns!

When will they bring the big tubes out?


Lots of Brits... usual. They would play God Save the Queen, except that people would claim favouritism.

As if Mirren's going to lose.

25/02/07 19:39


the Media Edition must have bumped me back to an earlier time.

I take that this is Best Director we're on now.

Now the 3 year old is calling. Probably see you tomorrow.

Thanks for everyone who sat through this crap. Good night.

Seat filler jokes

I thought that was reserved for us. Because its only nominally funny.

I'm glad your dream is coming through.

My dream is that you'll actually be funny. It's not going good so far.

Ellen's on...

...and wearing boots? A Brokeback reference, perhaps?

She's very talented. This will be a big step up from Stewart (no offense Jon).

She just needs to get the nerves out or something crazy will happen. I mean, here neck could fall off.

"Spain is in the house!"


Is wearing a tuxedo designed by Redd Foxx.

I know he's dead but...come on.


I thought Scorcese was going to punch that guy.

I kind of wish he had

All right the opening will NOT win Best Short... year.

I wonder if they'll give lesser awards in the aisles this year? It's kind of like "drive-thru, take away Oscars." Would you like some chips with that, sir?

The Queen is hot!

I'm officially an American, so I can bloody well say that.

Where's Al Gore

He's the only thing that could make this more boring.

I hope they use Peter O'Toole's

Robot self. I don't think he's in shape to make it to the stage if he wins.

Clint Eastwood will shoot someone...

...if he doesn't win. That's why he wins. He's the only one in the theatre packing... I mean besides George Clooney's solar battery charger for his Prius. Just look for the bulge. That's it.

Sound guys

kick butt. I guess.

It's on!

Will Ellen sing?

And the hits go up!

Must be Cameron... can the search engines get that stuff so fast?


like he's speaking a totally different language. I don't mean Nuffy

Let her go in for heavens sake

There are just 4 minutes left.

There's one of tonights winners. If she doesn't win, I'll eat her handbag.

I'm fairly certain Cauron was the parrot...

...and Del Toro was Donald. Who was the other bloke?


They also share underwear. It must be difficult as they stand very far apart for men wearing the same underwear.

They love film. I guess they got in the right business.

Dance Wahlberg


Is it me (again) or are Nuffy's posts...

...much more entertaining than the show?

The interviewers are substantially toned down from last year. No boot-licking, no slavish touching, no high, whiny "Ooooh, don't you look fabulous?!"

Instead, relatively serious Latin directors. Pickings are thin for us comedy types.

Sorry, just heading off the La Raza complaints before we launch into Three Caballeros jokes.

Earl and Stew

Earl and Stew! Are you two actually watching the live Oscar telecast? You seem to be be watching perhaps a taped Academy Awards from a previous year. I mean, neither one of you has said anything yet about Joan Rivers' neck falling off or the Britney-Ryan Gosling bank account antics. It's like we're watching two totally diff'rent shows from totally diff'rent years. Do you two live in another year, like you're in 1994 but posting forwards in time to our year? It's the only explanation. When her neck fell off, we could see the little servos and golden wires behind her plastic neck interface, and the whole world began to talk about it.

Here's a pic of Cameron

I was going to pick the one of her holding her bosum but remembered we're not into prime time yet.

Whoops wrong one.

Britney Spears!


I mean,


She just put Ryan Gosling's face in her bank account live on the TV Guide channel!

Ryan Gosling

That's actually him. Well he seems a nice guy.

Here's a piece of career advice. Don't do anything like Snoop.

Did Nuffy get his thorazine tonight?

I'm kidding, I loved that. I'm switching to the TV Guide Channel right now.

Just as an aside - The Mickey Mouse Club - Ryan Gosling, Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake, Christina Aguilera...

"Mickey" must have really been mickeys with all the loons that came out of that thing. Ryan's positively normal by comparison.

Somewhere Lisa Whelchel is striking her head against a wall repeatedly.

Of course I was an Allison fan when I was a kid, but I digress.

Did Chris's voice

just crack. That puberty thing must be tough. Especially when you're 42.


Eddie is wearing the same tux as that other guy.

Eddie Murphy - The Mello Guy

OK - the bloke with the stiff arms... enormous. He's at least a foot taller than Will Smith. Maybe he was put together with the parts of other celebrity interviews?

Wait, there was Cameron! Can we get a quick pic online?

I can't believe it!

Did you just see that, people? Did you see it live like I did? Did you?! DID YOU?!! Joan River's neck just fell off live on television before an untold mass of millions of people who watch the Academy Awards on the TV Guide channel! Her neck just absolutely fell right off! A gaffer is taping it back in place even as I type! I mean, her neck, people, it just fell right off! Golly gee whiz how d'y'do!

Is Nuffy still there?

Just wondering.

Penelope Cruz appears to be wearing a throw rug. Positively charming. It says, "Throw me on the floor and rub your feet all over me." Thousands of young unmarried men are browsing the Target web site right now looking for late Valentine's Day presents for their girlfriends.

Cameron Diaz

Wow look Cameron Diaz. She sure looks very Cameron Diaz tonight.

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All right...

...that red dress is simply too tight. The wrinkles are bunching up.

Whoops -distracted - there was Cameron! (hits go up)

Anyway, unless you're Sophia Loren that is simply insane after 70.

Good heavens...this is reading way too much like a Joan Rivers blog.

We're just warming up..can you tell?

Could the bloke interviewing Jennifer...

...hold the mic out any farther? Does the woman have mono?

Greg Kinnear - "intense body odor." Who knew?

Nuffy, great to see you. I missed Johnson Has Gas but I'll rush right out and see it this week.

I hope it's not in smell-o-vision.

Steve Carrell

Greg Kinnear must love the body odor line.

Her dress is absolutely lovely

His tux is scaring hell out of me.

Yeah right

Barbecues. I'm sure you slouch around with a bunch of drunk blokes. Oh wait, that probably is right. It's better than hanging around with Tom Cruise.

Is it just me or is Leo DeCaprio...

...the stoutest looking reedy person on the planet. His arms must be 1.5 meters in length.

Funniest line so far: "Luxurious hybrid cars."


looks less grungy here. A sure sign that he's slipping.

And it's Paul McCartney lookalike...

...Chris Connelly! Give us a song, Chris!

Here we go

And already and the tuxedos are already getting smaller. Oh the red carpet ceremonies are my favorite part. I don't want to hear about cameras placed "where they've never been before". Unless they're talking about Cameron Diaz. BOOM, more hits on the site.

Red Carpet Time!

Let the mentally challenged interviewing begin!

Not the celebrities, the celebrity journalists.

And yes, those green thongs were way too tight. LikeGov. Arnold in a leotard. Ewwww.


...I'm checking the hits as we go and we've got viewers/readers from California, England and Bosnia this hour. Welcome.

It's starting.

Stew, I know you're there...

...and as you said in the phone call a moment ago, Nuffy may actually join us. Remarkable. Could Zimpter and Linus be there too? Jorge?

We're about to find out.

Here's how the Live Blog works.

Basically, we're watching the show with you, and posting smart-arsed comments about it as we go. They'll come fast and furious (mainly because Arsenal lost today...but I'm only speaking for myself) and there will be the occasional glitch (like my posting this after the word "Here" accidentally.

We hope you enjoy it. The schmoozefest is about to begin!

Counting Down... the big Oscar show. Barbara Wawa is on with Eddie Murphy now, although I've been watching Casablanca with the missus. Our child saw the film on and described it to my father on the phone as "that old movie."

Just think, someday, someone's child will describe Babel as "that old movie." Maybe tomorrow.


To the 2007 Oscar Blog. I see tonight we are joined for the first Oscar blog by the infamous Nuffy Noe. I know Nuffy knows that we love Noe. No, we crave Noe. No?

And in other news Eddie Murphy is making a fool of himself with Barbara Walters. Or is that Al Sharpton?

Live Oscar Blog

Well, here I am, watching the Oscars and typing some stuff every single minute upon the minute as stuff happens on my television. As you are watching the Oscars along with me, please follow along with this LIVE Oscar blog-o-cast, courtesy of Nuffanial Egras Noe, aka Nuffy.

7:14pm -- Hooter Phras just presented film editing of the year award to Stephen Powter for his work on scene 12 in Act Two of the motion picture "Johnson Has Gas." Stephen Powter cried a little bit and thanked his horse for, as he put it, "making all my dreams come not true."

7:21pm -- Tony Dow reprising his Emmy award winning character Wally Cleaver!!! He dances, he sings, chorus girls with wigs! Shoes! Prancery! Tony recites his Poet Laureate winning poem, "The Tree of Theodore."

Oh for the red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red sky,
That broke open with tears as the ghost of Ward Cleaver sauntered by.
Oh for the sick, crooked moon and its daydreams about June,
With her neck pearls on and plastic hands, she'll be here soon.

No one can know the several hours of epiphany that Beaver dredged up from hell,
saying, "Hey there, Wally, what I've seen and known ain't so swell."
Well, Beav, you stupid Beav, you greasy greasy leather jacket alley wallowing Beav,
has it ever crossed your mind that there comes a time to leave!

7:23pm -- Most of the audience is still in tears after Tony Dow's recitation. Memories of Ward Cleaver are all too fresh. Even I cried a little bit when he told Beaver Cleaver to leave.

7:45pm -- A few people still crying, but the show must go on. Jack Nicholson is eating a Moon Pie while presented the Best Nostril Flaring Oscar to Helen Mirren for her work in the movie "Queen Elizabeth's Angry Nostrils Attack Tokyo."

7:52pm -- Most of the crying has stopped, except for a lonely, lonely, very sweaty and slightly pasty looking Paul Giamatti in the back corner. He just loved Ward Cleaver so much. Prince is currently presenting the Best Tray of Raspberry Scones to the Volkswagon Van from "Little Miss Sunshine." Such an honor!

8:13pm -- The Oscars are over! Man, it was the best night of Academy Awards in the history of awards! The Best Picture was split between "Little Miss Sunshine" and "House of Lethargic Danny Devito." Danny Devito's pants accepted the Oscar on his behalf, since Danny is currently on location in Rhea Perlman's house, making fondue.

Good year. Good year. I am honored I could blog it live with you, ladies and gentlemen. I've never told you how much I love you, and I should. I should. But I won't. Because, well, I don't, in so many words. Anywho, thank you for your time, and good luck with your shirt.

Not long now.

Since we're coming right up on the Live Oscar Blog I thought I should do something I promised. Without much time I'll run through the list of Best Actor nominees and give you my surprise pick for the night.

Forest Whitaker - Forest plays Ugandan dictator Idi Amin in The Last King of Scotland and hits the nail on the head. The problem is the nail is sitting on the head of a scared dissident and Amin is using an actual hammer and not a metaphorical one. Whitaker does great in the role but we have to take a lot of points off for the fact that they are in Uganda and NOT Scotland.

Peter O'Toole - A surprisingly steady performance from the aging star who plays a lecherous astronaut launched toward the Earth's sister planet. Will he succumb to the heat? Will forgetting his space suit combined with the lack of oxygen do him in? Has he heard of "astronaut diapers", and if so, does he soil them? No one really cares. Maybe he'll get a lifetime achievement award.

Will Smith - Nominated for the slice of life drama The Pursuit of Happyness, Will does a wonderful job acting but is an atrocious speller. Why not just call the movie Da Persoot of Happyness? D minus for the spelling but I did like his acting.

Leonardo DiCaprio - Leo does a fantastic turn in Blood Diamond as a boyishly cute diamond smuggler who gets very messy in the process of doing something. The something is not important as we are supposed to obsess about the fact that the boyishly handsome Leonardo DiCaprio is actually getting very messy. The problem with this plan is that it didn't work for Charlize Theron last year and it won't this year either.

Ryan Gosling - No really. I guess he did a good job as a teacher breaking racial stereotypes and doing good "things" and all in Half Nelson. Still, its Ryan Gosling.

Well, since the red carpet festivities are fast approaching I'll go ahead and give you my surprise pick. It may not be a surprise if you've read in to what I wrote above but the award for Best Actor in a Motion Picture goes to:

Sir Ian McKellen

See, I knew you would guess it.

A little less than 6 hours...

...until the Oscars, and that means Live Blogging from you know who.

Actually we'll start with the red-carpet show, because who can resist mocking the interviewers for that programme? We hope you'll join us this evening for Oscars, mirth, and mayhem!