Tut Tut - The boy king with the "beautiful" face

I'm back. That's that.

Browsing the intronet tonight and found this article on the beautiful King Tut.






Yep, he's quite a looker there.





There that's better.

More later. Goodnight.

Everything in a Single Go

According to a "mathematical discovery" by Oxford University faculty, parallel universes exist. That's right, a few mathematicians have concluded that because they've worked out a system that fits another system that says (suggests, hypothesises, halluncinates - take your pick) that the universe is constantly splitting into multiple branches of alternative realities, that it's so. I suppose it's just like the movie Clue with its multiple endings, only funnier.

So, in this universe you may be delusional, hyperactive, paranoid, and obscenely wealthy, and in another universe you might be Tom Cruise.

All right, I'll admit that's not the best differentiation possible.

Still, let's examine the logical outcome of this kind of thinking. Based on the idea of multiple universes, a man could get up for work in the morning, cut himself shaving in one universe and not in the next. The one version of this poor bloke has a bit of slightly-bloodied toliet tissue stuck to his face, whilst the other one doesn't. Then the same bloke could miss the lift, causing him to rush down a flight of stairs, winding him so much that he is unable to see the large bus which promptly rolls over his toilet-papered face on it's way to Times Square.

The other, un-toliet-paper-faced bloke catches the lift, makes his earlier bus and by chance meets Cameron Diaz, who is so taken with his unblemished complexion and lack of persperation that she offers to go on a dirty weekend with him to the Bahamas.

So, one bloke ends up blemished, tired, and dead, and the other winds up merely tired and on the cover of next week's The Sun.

This leaves out the multitude of alternate possibilities, such as the cut-faced chap actually catching the lift and the bus, meeting Cameron Diaz and having her take pity on him and offer him 5 dollars and an autographed, unbloodied kleenex. Or, the non-cut chap could have missed the lift, got flattened by the bus, and Cameron, passing by in the second bus, would have noticed his pristine features, and moved so by his tragic passing, entered a nunnery in devotion to this sudden love, where she would remain in doleful silence for the rest of her life, except for the constant playing of James Blunt's "You're Beautiful" on the convent organ by one of the peppier sisters.

Even that doesn't include the variation where both Cameron and the cut or non-cut faced chap are kidnapped by vacationing extraterrestials on a third bus¹ and taken to repopulate the planet Mars, winding up on the cover of next week's Weekly World News next to the latest incarnation of Bat Boy.

According to the faculty at Oxford, all of these things would, in fact, happen simultaneously.

That leads me to the conclusion that in an alternate universe, certain of Oxford's mathematicians and physicists are rancourous nutters with lots of free time, a nearby pub, and a slim grip on reality.

There is of course the possibility that could be this universe.

On the other hand, in some universe I would be the star striker for Arsenal and a world famous recording star.

You know, I could learn to love this theory.

**********
1 - A Manhattan tour bus, between stops at the Empire State Building and Rupert Jee's Hello Deli, next to the Ed Sullivan Theatre, just in case you were wondering. Extraterrestials love the Regis Philban with extra Ranch on the side.

The New Seven Wonders

Since I have been away some knucklehead has decided that we need to do away with the old "Seven Wonders of the World" and come up with new ones by July 7, 2007. Great idea, instead of worrying about world peace, the poor and hungry, or what surprises the new season of Jericho will have in store for us, we decide the most important thing is to come up with seven new wonders. What is wrong with the old wonders of the world? I personally think that the Hanging Gardens of Babylon and the Statue of Zeus at Olympia were great wonders and since they're no longer around one must wonder about these wonderful wonders. No, instead we have to have wonders that we can see, smell, and get blown up by radicals to visit.

Since we can't bring the old wonders back and are hastening toward this misguided decision I thought I should bring forth some possible contenders for the honor.

Stew's New Seven Wonders of the World


1. Don King's Hair - Have you ever seen the stuff? It is a wonder to behold and I'm sure will last longer than the Colossus at Rhodes, which I hear took a ship's mast to the groin in 226 B.C. Don King's hair has been proven to cure planters warts and can survive a nuclear war. Don King's hair rules with an iron fist but is just when meting out its terrible wrath.

2. The Colossus at Flint - Michael Moore seems to expand everytime his obese form graces the silver screen. I don't know if I can really use the word grace since it usually has conotations of beauty and mercy. Let's say, abuses the silver screen, that might fit better. Anyway, I hate to call the guy a wonder but the joke name was too good to pass up.

3 Cameron Diaz - Yes, that's right, Cameron Diaz. Hey, she's alright to look at and it still boosts the hits on the site.

4. The Vacuum in Bel-Air - Yes, I'm speaking of none other than little Miss Paris Hilton herself. The absolute vacuum of talent created by her presence is enough to make Larry King seem like Robin Williams on speed. She has no talent like Paulie Shore has...more lack of talent. Anyway, her popularity certainly does make one wonder.

5. Jorge's Inconsolable Mourning - This guy has it bad. His sadness at the passing of Mark Northover is really starting to get on our nerves around here. I mean the guy has Mark's poster splattered all over the walls of his studio apartment. He has a small alter dedicated to Mark that he brings to the office and lights these stinking incence sticks while sitting at his desk and moaning only taking a break to make his famous carne de mono tacos. I kind of feel sorry for him.

6. The Rolling Stones - I mean, come on, who else should be considered a wonder of the modern world. Not really for their music it's more for the fact that they're still living, if they really are. I know for a fact that Mick Jagger has resuscitated Keith Richards on at least twelve occasions and it's a little known fact but Keith has been buried in error...twice.

7. Stew Miller Posting Twice in One Week - Truly the greatest wonder of our little corner of the galaxy.

So, how's the Coup going you ask?

The Coup continues at DOUI. Jorge Carlito has already been bullied into submission. I suppose one could assume that he lived once in a Latin-American dictatorship and that this sort of thing is right up his street. However, I always thought he was from Barstow.

Stew and Nuffy are either cowed into silence or defiantly refusing to post in protest. I'm not sure which, since neither of them have made a peep in months. So, since insulting pictures and threats of a takeover haven't awoken their posting sensibilities, I must move on and stabilise the new regime.

Right now, I'm contemplating several changes I could make. Here's a short list. Readers should feel free to e-mail preferences or suggestions. I should note that "closing down the blog and turning the staff into eunuchs" is not an option, no matter how popular it might be with the usual blogging crowd.

Options for The Dictionary of Unfortunate Ideas Under the Glorious Leadership of Generalissimo Earl "El Hombre Magnifico Virile" Fando

• Change the name of the blog to The Coup D'etat of Unfortunate Ideas
• Change the logo to match the style of the London Olympics, just to cheese everyone off
• Install a salad bar where Nuffy's desk used to be
• Change the background image to a picture of the Emirates Stadium (Come on you Gooners!)
• Even more Tom Cruise mocking
• Change the name of the blog to The Dictionary of Unfortunate Earls
• All traffic-ticket rants, all the time
• Change the name of the blog to Stew and Nuffy Aren't Home Right Now, but If You'll Leave a Message at The Tone...
• Offer posting rights to politicians and then alter their posts for comic effect
• Include colourful sidebar pictures of firing squads
• Replace Stew's office with a snooker and darts room
• Change the logo to include a subliminal message that says "Send your pledges to earlfando@yahoo.com"
• Change the name of the blog to Harry Potter Loves Cameron Diaz and watch the hits soar
• Offer to imprison Paris Hilton in Nuffy and Stew's old offices
• Hold next U.S. Republican and Democratic debates on the blog - Give Fred Thompson and Al Gore editing privileges to change posts for comic effect
• Year long discussion about how easy it is to confuse The Sopranos with The Simpsons
• Convert DOUI into a fitness site - lots of Thighmaster and Body Pump references

Coup d'état!

I, Earl Fando, am writing to declare that I have, as of this moment, commenced a Coup d'état of The Dictionary of Unfortunate Ideas. Due to the inactivity of my comrades in silly blogging, I feel that there is only one road to hoe, as it were, and that is with me in complete and total control.

Therefore, as my first act as newly installed Oligarch of this blog (Dictator sounds so passe'), I hereby institute the following decrees:

• All guest posters (previously identified as co-posters) must refer to me in writing at all times as Generalissimo Fando.
• All posts involving Warwick Davis and Danny DeVito are hereby banned from the blog until further notice. The only exception to this rule is when I'm really hard up for something funny to write, as Davis and DeVito are a constant laugh riot.
• The DOUI annual golf scramble is postponed. (That should get Stew's attention.)
• Any references to Cameron Diaz, for the purposes of cheap hits for the blog, shall hereby be credited to Earl Fando for the purposes of invitations to Hollywood premieres and bit parts in films, should Ms. Diaz or her representatives appreciate that sort of thing. The beloved Mrs. Fando shall be invited to any and all such functions as well, just in case anyone things the Generalissimo is behaving in a duplicitious fashion.
• Lukas P. Short is hereby officially appointed chiefprovider of home-brewed alcoholic beverages for DOUI functions. Previously, he only held this position unofficially.
• Stew Miller, Nuffy Noe, Zimpter Fiforg, and Linus Coconut are hereby demoted to Cabin Boy, Second Class, the duties whereof to be determined by The International Criminal Court, The Hague.
• All Cabin Boys, Second Class, are required to report directly to Cabin Boy, First Class, Mr. Tom L. Ron Cruise.

That is all (for now).

Cameron Diaz

Wow look Cameron Diaz. She sure looks very Cameron Diaz tonight.