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Friday, June 29, 2007

The New Seven Wonders

Since I have been away some knucklehead has decided that we need to do away with the old "Seven Wonders of the World" and come up with new ones by July 7, 2007. Great idea, instead of worrying about world peace, the poor and hungry, or what surprises the new season of Jericho will have in store for us, we decide the most important thing is to come up with seven new wonders. What is wrong with the old wonders of the world? I personally think that the Hanging Gardens of Babylon and the Statue of Zeus at Olympia were great wonders and since they're no longer around one must wonder about these wonderful wonders. No, instead we have to have wonders that we can see, smell, and get blown up by radicals to visit.

Since we can't bring the old wonders back and are hastening toward this misguided decision I thought I should bring forth some possible contenders for the honor.

Stew's New Seven Wonders of the World

1. Don King's Hair - Have you ever seen the stuff? It is a wonder to behold and I'm sure will last longer than the Colossus at Rhodes, which I hear took a ship's mast to the groin in 226 B.C. Don King's hair has been proven to cure planters warts and can survive a nuclear war. Don King's hair rules with an iron fist but is just when meting out its terrible wrath.

2. The Colossus at Flint - Michael Moore seems to expand everytime his obese form graces the silver screen. I don't know if I can really use the word grace since it usually has conotations of beauty and mercy. Let's say, abuses the silver screen, that might fit better. Anyway, I hate to call the guy a wonder but the joke name was too good to pass up.

3 Cameron Diaz - Yes, that's right, Cameron Diaz. Hey, she's alright to look at and it still boosts the hits on the site.

4. The Vacuum in Bel-Air - Yes, I'm speaking of none other than little Miss Paris Hilton herself. The absolute vacuum of talent created by her presence is enough to make Larry King seem like Robin Williams on speed. She has no talent like Paulie Shore has...more lack of talent. Anyway, her popularity certainly does make one wonder.

5. Jorge's Inconsolable Mourning - This guy has it bad. His sadness at the passing of Mark Northover is really starting to get on our nerves around here. I mean the guy has Mark's poster splattered all over the walls of his studio apartment. He has a small alter dedicated to Mark that he brings to the office and lights these stinking incence sticks while sitting at his desk and moaning only taking a break to make his famous carne de mono tacos. I kind of feel sorry for him.

6. The Rolling Stones - I mean, come on, who else should be considered a wonder of the modern world. Not really for their music it's more for the fact that they're still living, if they really are. I know for a fact that Mick Jagger has resuscitated Keith Richards on at least twelve occasions and it's a little known fact but Keith has been buried in error...twice.

7. Stew Miller Posting Twice in One Week - Truly the greatest wonder of our little corner of the galaxy.

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