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Thursday, June 28, 2007

How to Die Laughing

Texas death row inmate Patrick Knight has determined that he should die laughing, and plans to do so by telling a joke at his execution. In order to prepare for his final words before facing lethal injection, he has solicited jokes on the Internet.

Texas Department of Criminal Justice spokeswoman Michelle Lyons stated that Knight wanted to "keep his execution light."

Well, why go out in a haze of gloom and remorseful depression? (You know...unless of course he really did it.) We here at The Dictionary of Unfortunate Ideas are always happy to help people in search of a jape, a jest, or a real clunker for when the audience is too drunk or too full of anticipation at your imminent demise to care (or as we're speaking of Texas, possibly both). Here are some suggestions*:

  • I'd just like to remind the witnesses ...no tipping the executioner.
  • Are you going to put some alcohol there before you stick me with the needle? I don't want to get an infection.
  • Good thing this isn't the electric chair. I burn easily.
  • There! In the second row! That's the guy who really did it! ...No, I'm just kidding. It was me.
  • Could I get some heroin with that?
  • Anyone want to place a bet on tomorrow's game?
  • Two nuns walk into the death chamber to witness an execution... oh, sorry, Sisters. I didn't see you sitting there. Thanks for coming.
  • Now, would you believe that! I just remembered where that exculpatory evidence was! Undo me here and we can drive out there right now.
  • How many executioners does it take to kill a guy in Texas?(Points and starts counting officers in the room) Well, that was easy!
  • Whoa! Man is that needle cold! Can someone warm that thing up first?
  • Man, this is nothing like The Green Mile.
  • I was really hoping they'd have one of those black hoods for me. I always wanted to go out dressed as a Mexican wrestler.
  • If the Governor calls, tell him he'll have to wait. I'm busy right now.
  • I'd just like to thank my lawyer...for being a total, useless prat. Way to go, moron!
Update: I see from the article that the execution was schedule for Tuesday, so I'm a bit late, I'm afraid. Sorry about that.

Mr. Knight apparently skipped the joke and did have some somber, appropriate words for the occasion. Well, if there are any other death row inmates in need of a laugh, by all means...

*Yes, we know this is in appalling taste. My sincerest apologies on behalf of the staff. It was all Mr. Knight's idea, though.

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