The All-New Designer Body Sketch!

[Yet another potential sketch for The Dictionary of Unfortunate Ideas: the Television Programme. Interested American and British network types can e-mail Generalissimo Fando at the usual address below in the sidebar.]

(A chain cinema before the film starts. Two men and two women are sitting in a row near the front. A third man sits behind them. One of the women is obviously agitated.)

Woman 1: Oh, it's no use! I've got to go again! (She gets up and leaves the cinema.)

Woman 2: What's the matter with her?

Man 1: Oh, it's her new designer bladder.

Woman 2: Designer bladder?

Man 1: Yes, yes. The old one was too big. She kept complaining about feeling bloated, so we had it shrunk to a quarter of it's original size. Now she's a full two sizes smaller and feels light as a feather.

Woman 2: Yes, but doesn't she spend a lot of time in the loo?

Man 1: She spends about 90% of the time in there now. In fact, she does practically everything in there these days. Reads, watches the telly, surfs the web, jazzercizes. Still, no bloating, eh?

Man 2: Does she eat in there, too?

Man 1: Don't be ridiculous! That would be completely unsanitary.

Man 2: Oh.

Man 1: She stands outside the door and eats there, and then rushes in if the urge hits her (pause) ...which it does about every 90 seconds.

Man 2: Hmmm, I see.

(Woman 1 walks back into the cinema, gets into her seat, and then looks up to ceiling in frustration, gets up and walks back out again.)

Man 2: I've got a designer stomach you know.

Man 1: Oh, really?

Man 2: Yes, yes. I used to be as big as a lorry, but the doc went in, snip, snip, and it's made a world of difference!

Man 1: Well, it must be a relief.

Man 2: Yes, it is. Now I can ride in the cabs, again. (turning to Woman 2) Could you pass the popcorn, luv? (She holds up the carton) No, no... just the one piece, please. (Eats it) Whew! Getting full up, now!

Woman 2: I've got a designer leg.

Man 1: Ooooh! I've heard of those. Did you get the special attachments for holding up stockings?

Woman 2: That and the collapsable shoe-horn in the heel, AND the elevating foot, for reaching objects on high shelves.

Man 1: Brilliant. (They all nod) (pause) You didn't get the pair though?

Woman 2: No, we could only afford the one. We tried to have the other put on layaway, but plastic surgery is a cash business, don't you know.

Man 1: Yes, frightfully expensive these days.

Woman 2: I just use the one designer leg and let the other one be.

Man 1: Very sensible, indeed.

(Woman 1 walks back into the cinema, gets halfway down the aisle, stops, tightens her legs back together and rushes back up the aisle and outside.)

Man 1: I'm thinking about getting a designer ribcage.

Man 2 and Woman 2: Oooooh!!!!

Man 1: Yes, yes, I'm looking at the deluxe model. Something designed to stay mildly cool to keep dry goods and the occasional bottle of sherry or ale in. I do so hate having to get up from the couch to go into the kitchen or the wine cellar.

Man 2: Have you considered the draught option?

Man 1: Yes, I'm giving it serious thought (pause) ...but where to put the spigots?

(They all laugh)

Man 3: (leaning forward) I got a designer todger!

Man 1: Really?

Woman 2: Well that is something, isn't it?

Man 3: Yes, had it lengthed to three feet don't you know. Of course, I've had to have all my trousers taken out to make room.

Man 1: Designer colours?

Man 3: Claret and blue. (pause, as others look confused) I'm a Hammers supporter.

All: Ah!

Man 2: Did the procedure hurt much?

Man 3: No, no, I didn't feel a thing. (looks down) (sadly) As a matter of fact, I still can't.

(Woman 1 walks into cinema, grimaces, turns around and immediately walks out again)