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Thursday, June 07, 2007

Welcome to Harry Potter Land!

Universal Studios is planning a new resort in Orlando based on the Harry Potter novels. The following are all possible names for this magical new attraction:

  • Pottermania Has Gone Too Far!
  • JK Rowling's Final Sellout
  • Universal's Harry Potter End Round About Warner Brothers
  • Extreme Hogwarts (sponsored by Mountain Dew)

However, I believe the name they'll settle on, being a film company and believing that their customer base has an average two digit IQ, will be Harry Potter Land.

The theme park will boast a number of entertainment possibilities to addle both the simpleminded and clever among us. There will even be a reading room for people who get sick of the whole thing and decide to actually read the books themselves. Rowling is expected to have a private office, just there.

Anyway, according to very unreliable sources, here are the top planned resort attractions in Harry Potter Land!

  • Honeydukes Candy Shop - Sample every variety of candy mentioned in the Potter books, from Acid Pops to Cockroach Clusters. New flavours in the Bertie Botts Beans include "mucus," "gangrene," "jock-strap," and "riboflavin."All visitors are required to sign medical waivers before ingesting any of the "candy."
  • Hermione's Overwhelming Library - Visit a Library based on the imagined reading tastes of Harry's best friend Hermione Granger. There's everything from "Alternate Parallel Dimensional Frameworks" to "Zero-Gravity Elemental Polytropes and Quantum Transfiguration in Hyperspace." Most people will skip the brainy stuff and head right over to the "Restricted Section" to watch the most maliciously active of the books there take the heads right off of animatronic Hogwarts students Malfoy and Goyle every thirty minutes. Best of all, an animatronic Hermione chides every visitor for "not keeping up with their Potions homework, Harry!"
  • Snape's Chemical Funhouse - Speaking of Potions, here you can thrill to the dark, murky catacomb that is Snape's Potions lab. A semi-lifelike Severus Snape will teach you how to mix a variety of magical and complete inert (for legal purposes) potions. Then, he'll sneer at you and smack you on the head when you get them wrong. Learn to make veritaserum, polyjuice potion, and Singapore Slings.
  • Don't Get Squished by Hagrid - Ever wanted to tour Hagrid's tiny hut? Ever wonder how Harry and the gang did it without getting squished by the loveable, blundering half-giant? Now you can experience the thrill of trying to manoeuvre in a 15 by 15 foot room full of dangerous, flammable creatures, and one massive and hairy bloke who could split your scapuli with a friendly pat on the shoulder. Knowledgable Potterholics will avoid the food kiosk at this one.
  • Fred and George's House of Vomit and Nosebleeds - A replica of "Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes" the joke shop started by the affably, malevolent, ginger twins. Visitors will be able to sample a variety of wares, including candies that make your hair fall out, wands that make rude noises when you flick them, and a variety of novetly prophylactics.
  • Ron Weasley's Adventures in Low Self Esteem - Travel throughout the Wizarding world with Ron Weasley as he struggles with his own limitations and lack of self confidence. Wince as he subconsciously blames his friends and family for his inability to maintain a consistent level of self-respect despite occasional personal victories that would satisfy the Neville Longbottoms of the world. Share with him the tender pains of watching Harry and Hermione carry on deep, meaningful conversations whilst he overeats in the background. Seeth with him as he becomes a victim yet again to his older twin brothers vicious practical jokes (see above). You will believe an animatronic can cry.
  • Dumbledore's Really Big Office - Developers are predicting this will be a big favourite with Potter fans since Dumbledore snuffed it in Book 6. Visit the barmy, old codger's digs to see exactly how the intellectual cognoscenti of the magical realms live, after they've gone a bit soft in the old bean. Among the looney delights in the office are Fawkes, the phoenix, who explodes into flame and is reborn every half-hour (hourly during the off-season), the Mirror of Erised - in which viewers can see themselves shaking hands with Jo Rowling (isn't that everyone's greatest desire?), the mystical Pensieve where you can view Dumbledore's thoughts - most of which seem to revolve around socks and fruit candies, and the Sword of Griffindor - available in the main shops for $50 American (or about 25 quid for those of you in Edinburgh).

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