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Thursday, May 24, 2007

A Few Random Thoughts

Well, I've got back around to posting again, but as it's been a rough week, see below, I'm a bit testy. For our few regular readers, they know this means one of two things. Either: A) This will be a bit grueling as they wade through all my psychological baggage - thiny disguised as jokes, or B) Earl's defenses are down, so he's about to let fly with some real grist for the mill, and what could be more entertaining than a the brutal, emotionally-bare rantings of a comedy-blog writer with several axes to grind, or C) Both.

Well, let's just see then shall we. So, at the risk of being thought of as a bitter old whinger, here are a few thoughts cascading through my damaged bean.

1) My bean is actually damaged. Whilst playing footy on Saturday I took an accidental elbow to the head from Hercules. Lest you think I jest, the bloke who unintentionally struck me is about 6'5", with the physique of Arnold Swartzenegger from his Pumping Iron days. "Hercules" is probably a bit of an understatement.

Whilst playing keeper, I made the mistake of weakly going up to punch out a ball - along the lines of Jens Lehmann on an off day - as this gigantic, heavily-muscled individual drifted back to head it away. There's a reason for the expression "hospital ball" in football. A more sensible bloke would have seen the impending collision and recognized that my 6'1", 205 lb. frame was no match for a player only slightly less muscled than the Incredible Hulk. Also, I would have remember we were playing for the same side and that my input wasn't critical. Unfortunately, my brain was in no-man's land and my colleague didn't see me coming and more importantly I failed to call him off the ball, as any smart keeper would have.

Normally, even at age 42, I'm quite capable in the air and have often taken on players several inches taller than me, but this was a bit like the Titanic and the iceberg. As he went up, his elbow drifted back, quite naturally, and my head - the bit just above the right ear - happened to be in the way. He was very concerned that he had unintentionally hurt me. I stayed on my feet, being no diver (Are you listening Cristiano Ronaldo?) but the large knot above my ear tells me that had any malicious intent been there (and this fellow was not the type for that) he could have easily knocked my skull into the back of the auld onion bag, as Tommy Smyth would say.

I preface my remaining remarks with this, as brain damage may prove a handy excuse later.

2) Yahoo! are a bunch of cretinous gits. I only say this because now, whenever I log out of Yahoo! Mail, instead of going back to the mail login - allowing me to log into one of my other two accounts (wouldn't you like to know!) it now goes back to the Yahoo! homepage. Yes, the very same annoying, Yugo design of a homepage I swore off about 9 months ago. I never go there anymore if I can help it because I'm not interested in giving them the few extra hits. It's probably meaningless of course, but I'm now of the mind that this whole new Yahoo! strategy is precisely the result of my and others avoidance of the homepage. It seems as though they've had to take new measures to bump up the homepage hits! Ha! Score one for obsessive web malcontents like Earl! Take that Yahoo!, you yuppie scum!*

3) Rosie O'Donnell is out of her flipping gourd. Just noticing, that's all. It's only a matter of time before she starts quoting from the Protocols of the Elders of Zion, or channelling Lyndon LaRouche.

4) I'm beginning to wonder if I haven't done something to brass off Stew and Nuffy. It has now been almost exactly 3 months since Stew posted. It's been about two and a half months since Nuffy posted. At this rate, they both stand to have only 3 or 4 posts on next year's "Best of" list.

I have to admit, I'm a bit cheesed off myself about it. I know life is busy but a bloody post or two a week wouldn't kill anyone. I watch plenty of films and footie, nap excessively, lift weights 3 to 4 nights a week and still find the time to post. It's not like they're in hospital and hooked up to a bleeding feeding tube. In that case, I'd be happy to come in and take the dictation.

I haven't sussed it all out yet, but it could be that they didn't like the characterisations of them in my novel. However, those were very broad. Nuffy's not actually in the NSA (at least he hasn't killed me for suggesting he was, which is a positive sign in that direction) and Stew's only half as obsessed with golf as I made him out to be. It's fiction, me mates. Deal with it.

I may have to post some more embarrassing pictures of them.

5) This wasnt' as bitter as I thought it would be. Maybe I should have stuck to my original plan and called Stew and Nuffy "skivving narks." A good row is what this blog needs. Maybe Rosie's fans are reading? The e-mail address is just to the left and down, people.

* In addition to being yuppie scum, Yahoo! have done more to destroy English punctuation with a single exclamation point than any work of literature in history.


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