Potter Partying

Across the supposedly civilised world tonight, millions of people will be dressing ghoulishly and heading out in the dark of night to party like maniacs. No, The Rocky Horror Picture Show hasn't been rereleased, it's simply the gatherings of insanely hyper fans awaiting the release of Harry Potter and the Contrived Conclusion...No, I jest. The real title is of course Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, which of course refers to Bloomsbury and Scholastic security personnel after Ms. Rowling gets through with them. I've not seen the book myself, because unlike the New York Times, I actually believe in honoring the publishers' and authors wishes about not revealing key information or distributing books or being a weasel in general. Without giving away anything about plot details though, I can say that judging from some of the fan responses to the book, it sounds like it was ghostwritten by Chris Kreski, who normally works for Bill Shatner.

Nonetheless, millions of fans will dutifully troop out to their local booksellers to plonk down a wad of cash just to see how it all turns out and to party til midnight to trivia games, best costume contests, and magicians riding the Rowling gravy train. Here are a few suggestions for those who would like to add a little merriment to their local party:

• Respond to all trivia questions with the answer "Chicken necks!"
• After every trick by the local magician, loudly exclaim, "That is so fake! Hermione would do much better!"
• Ask everyone in costume when the next showing of "Rocky Horror" is.
• Burn your copy of the book at the front of the store, whilst loudly screaming, "Witches! Heretics!"
• Pretend to have come in for a copy of "Hamlet" and express satisfaction that your local readers are so interested in classical literature. Then, when they tell you they are there for the Potter release, shout "Witches! Heretics!"
• Fall asleep in front of the checkout line.
• Throw ice cold drinks at gits trying to spoil the ending in the car park.
• Impromptu Quidditch match in the audio section of the store.
• Shout, "Look, it's JK Rowling!" and then dash to the front of the line whilst heads are craned about.
• After getting your copy of the book, quickly skim the pages and then announce that it is, "Utter crap!"

Update: I read the last book. It was OK in a few bits, I suppose, but a big disappointment overall. It just goes to show that it's not all that easy to resolve 17,000 plot threads, even in a 700+ page book. I have a feeling that more than a few people though are going to think, "People waited ten years for this?" The epilogue is the single most unconvincing piece of writing Rowling has yet published, if you want my opinion.

Potter Madness - The Final Chapter

Well, unless you've been living in the same cave as Osama Bin Laden you're probably aware that the final Harry Potter book, Harry Potter and the Enormous Rip Off, is due out tomorrow. All right, the official title is actually Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. The Deathly Hallows are what appear to await publishers Bloomsbury and Scholastic's security personnel. After spending $20 million US on securing the book so that advance copies wouldn't be leaked before the July 21, midnight release, the book is apparently everywhere online. To paraphrase Dumbledore from the first book, "It's a secret, so naturally everyone knows." A short timeline of the events follows (Potential SPOILER Alert - readers of the following may discern details of the book, provided they are true and JK Rowling's writing displays the effects of someone on mescaline.):

• Monday, July 16: A photocopy of a chapter of the book appears online. Most fans think it is a hoax because of the paragraph about George W. Bush's National Guard duty.
• Tuesday, July 17: Photos of the remainder of the book, all 4359 pages, appear online in various forms. Scholastic files a subpeona to have the pages removed from the websites, and also issues an apology for the abysmal writing. One of the chapters published is a purported epilogue that has one of Harry Potter's children named "Albus Severus Potter." The other one is named "Winston Hitler Potter." Also, Hermione is revealed to be Harry's twin brother.
• Wednesday, July 18: JK Rowling pleads for calm, asking readers to ignore "misinformation" on the Internet, such as photocopied pages of the book, illustrations, and where to locate copies on E-Bay. Scholastic threatens to sue DeepDiscountBooks.com for releasing copies of the book days early in a cheap bid for publicity and also as a way to give JK Rowling the finger for not doing their adverts. Several Harry Potter fans go on the rampage in Los Angeles when Newsweek claims that a copy of the book was flushed down the toliet during the interogation of a DeepDiscountBooks.com sales rep. The book in question later turns out to be a copy of Jacqueline Susann's Once Is Not Enough.
• Thursday, July 19: Not content with revealing U.S. national security secrets, the N.Y. Times issues a review of the book two days before they were supposed to receive their advanced copy. Susan Sarandon and Vice President Dick Cheney issue a joint statement, calling for the editors of the Times to be boiled in oil for this transgression. The Baltimore Sun also issues a reviews, which only 3 people read because that paper is crap. JK Rowling, seeing where the real money is, issues a press release saying that she will reveal the plot of the final book in a tell all to the Guardian unless she is paid one billion pounds British before midnight. Potter fans raise the amount in just under 30 minutes.
• Friday, July 20: Katie Couric shocks the world by announcing that in the final chapter of the book, Severus Snape is revealed to be James Bond and shoots Voldemort between the eyes. JK Rowling announces that after the sales of the book are complete, she will be moving to The International Space Station for a year to get away from "the madness."
• Saturday, July 21: All hell breaks loose when Potter fans actually get the book in their sweaty little hands and discover that it is just an extended rewrite of Curious George Goes to the Zoo.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Multiplex

Well, the latest Harry Potter film, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, is out around the world and with the final installment of J.K. Rowling's popular septology due for release in just over a week, people around the world are potty for Potter. Also, the Banks of England and Scotland are mobilising several thousand people, just to handle the cashflow from the film. Several physicists are worried that the flow of money from the film and book combined could create a black hole in the vicinity of Edinburgh (Rowling's home).

Of course every film is going to be somewhat different from the book. Therefore, (Spoiler's Alert₁) in order that our readers not be completely taken unawares by Hollywood's version of Rowling's literary magic, here are some of the biggest surprises from Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix:

• Much of the film takes place in Arizona


• Hermione is over 9 feet tall. Apparently, someone at Industrial Light and Magic got her scenes crossed with Hagrid's


• Dumbledore is played by Rosie O'Donnell


• Constant, golf ball-sized hailstorm in the Great Hall


• Excessive flatulence noises by the Foley Artists (we presume)


• Toronto stands in for Hogwarts (The CN Tower is now Griffindor Tower)


• Snape sounds just like Jonathan Ross


• Large McDonald's sign in Hogwarts courtyard


• Peculiar side trip to Roswell, N.M.


• Quidditch is replaced with the Ultimate Fighting Championship


• Surprise nude scene from Dan Racliffe's performance in Equus₂ included - The screenwriter uses it as an excuse for many "wand" jokes₃


• The Hogwarts students play Yahtzee_TM instead of Exploding Snap and Wizard's Chess. However, when you get "Yahtzee," the dice do explode.


• Ron's sudden, violent case of dysentery


• William Shatner cameo₄


• Everyone dies except for Winky

1. At least for the extremely gullible
2. Or as people in the Harry Potter fandom call it "Harry Potter and the Order of the Penis"₅
3. As do the writers of this blog
4. There's a David Beckham cameo, also, but that's hardly a surprise these days.
5. Yes, this may be the first and hopefully last use of the word "penis" on this blog... and also the first time we've footnoted a footnote. Can we do that?

So, how's the Coup going you ask?

The Coup continues at DOUI. Jorge Carlito has already been bullied into submission. I suppose one could assume that he lived once in a Latin-American dictatorship and that this sort of thing is right up his street. However, I always thought he was from Barstow.

Stew and Nuffy are either cowed into silence or defiantly refusing to post in protest. I'm not sure which, since neither of them have made a peep in months. So, since insulting pictures and threats of a takeover haven't awoken their posting sensibilities, I must move on and stabilise the new regime.

Right now, I'm contemplating several changes I could make. Here's a short list. Readers should feel free to e-mail preferences or suggestions. I should note that "closing down the blog and turning the staff into eunuchs" is not an option, no matter how popular it might be with the usual blogging crowd.

Options for The Dictionary of Unfortunate Ideas Under the Glorious Leadership of Generalissimo Earl "El Hombre Magnifico Virile" Fando

• Change the name of the blog to The Coup D'etat of Unfortunate Ideas
• Change the logo to match the style of the London Olympics, just to cheese everyone off
• Install a salad bar where Nuffy's desk used to be
• Change the background image to a picture of the Emirates Stadium (Come on you Gooners!)
• Even more Tom Cruise mocking
• Change the name of the blog to The Dictionary of Unfortunate Earls
• All traffic-ticket rants, all the time
• Change the name of the blog to Stew and Nuffy Aren't Home Right Now, but If You'll Leave a Message at The Tone...
• Offer posting rights to politicians and then alter their posts for comic effect
• Include colourful sidebar pictures of firing squads
• Replace Stew's office with a snooker and darts room
• Change the logo to include a subliminal message that says "Send your pledges to earlfando@yahoo.com"
• Change the name of the blog to Harry Potter Loves Cameron Diaz and watch the hits soar
• Offer to imprison Paris Hilton in Nuffy and Stew's old offices
• Hold next U.S. Republican and Democratic debates on the blog - Give Fred Thompson and Al Gore editing privileges to change posts for comic effect
• Year long discussion about how easy it is to confuse The Sopranos with The Simpsons
• Convert DOUI into a fitness site - lots of Thighmaster and Body Pump references

Welcome to Harry Potter Land!

Universal Studios is planning a new resort in Orlando based on the Harry Potter novels. The following are all possible names for this magical new attraction:

• Pottermania Has Gone Too Far!
• JK Rowling's Final Sellout
• Universal's Harry Potter End Round About Warner Brothers
• Extreme Hogwarts (sponsored by Mountain Dew)

However, I believe the name they'll settle on, being a film company and believing that their customer base has an average two digit IQ, will be Harry Potter Land.

The theme park will boast a number of entertainment possibilities to addle both the simpleminded and clever among us. There will even be a reading room for people who get sick of the whole thing and decide to actually read the books themselves. Rowling is expected to have a private office, just there.

Anyway, according to very unreliable sources, here are the top planned resort attractions in Harry Potter Land!

• Honeydukes Candy Shop - Sample every variety of candy mentioned in the Potter books, from Acid Pops to Cockroach Clusters. New flavours in the Bertie Botts Beans include "mucus," "gangrene," "jock-strap," and "riboflavin."All visitors are required to sign medical waivers before ingesting any of the "candy."
  
• Hermione's Overwhelming Library - Visit a Library based on the imagined reading tastes of Harry's best friend Hermione Granger. There's everything from "Alternate Parallel Dimensional Frameworks" to "Zero-Gravity Elemental Polytropes and Quantum Transfiguration in Hyperspace." Most people will skip the brainy stuff and head right over to the "Restricted Section" to watch the most maliciously active of the books there take the heads right off of animatronic Hogwarts students Malfoy and Goyle every thirty minutes. Best of all, an animatronic Hermione chides every visitor for "not keeping up with their Potions homework, Harry!"
  
• Snape's Chemical Funhouse - Speaking of Potions, here you can thrill to the dark, murky catacomb that is Snape's Potions lab. A semi-lifelike Severus Snape will teach you how to mix a variety of magical and complete inert (for legal purposes) potions. Then, he'll sneer at you and smack you on the head when you get them wrong. Learn to make veritaserum, polyjuice potion, and Singapore Slings.
  
• Don't Get Squished by Hagrid - Ever wanted to tour Hagrid's tiny hut? Ever wonder how Harry and the gang did it without getting squished by the loveable, blundering half-giant? Now you can experience the thrill of trying to manoeuvre in a 15 by 15 foot room full of dangerous, flammable creatures, and one massive and hairy bloke who could split your scapuli with a friendly pat on the shoulder. Knowledgable Potterholics will avoid the food kiosk at this one.
  
• Fred and George's House of Vomit and Nosebleeds - A replica of "Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes" the joke shop started by the affably, malevolent, ginger twins. Visitors will be able to sample a variety of wares, including candies that make your hair fall out, wands that make rude noises when you flick them, and a variety of novetly prophylactics.
  
• Ron Weasley's Adventures in Low Self Esteem - Travel throughout the Wizarding world with Ron Weasley as he struggles with his own limitations and lack of self confidence. Wince as he subconsciously blames his friends and family for his inability to maintain a consistent level of self-respect despite occasional personal victories that would satisfy the Neville Longbottoms of the world. Share with him the tender pains of watching Harry and Hermione carry on deep, meaningful conversations whilst he overeats in the background. Seeth with him as he becomes a victim yet again to his older twin brothers vicious practical jokes (see above). You will believe an animatronic can cry.
  
• Dumbledore's Really Big Office - Developers are predicting this will be a big favourite with Potter fans since Dumbledore snuffed it in Book 6. Visit the barmy, old codger's digs to see exactly how the intellectual cognoscenti of the magical realms live, after they've gone a bit soft in the old bean. Among the looney delights in the office are Fawkes, the phoenix, who explodes into flame and is reborn every half-hour (hourly during the off-season), the Mirror of Erised - in which viewers can see themselves shaking hands with Jo Rowling (isn't that everyone's greatest desire?), the mystical Pensieve where you can view Dumbledore's thoughts - most of which seem to revolve around socks and fruit candies, and the Sword of Griffindor - available in the main shops for $50 American (or about 25 quid for those of you in Edinburgh).
  

The Perils of Adaptation...

...but not the Darwinian kind. No, those will get you killed. No, I'm referring to the perils of adapting works of literary fiction to the cinema. These perils are mostly suffered by the author. The only times the screenwriter and director are imperiled by their roles at taking a beloved novel and adapting it to the medium of film are at public appearances where people who read are gathered.

All of this came to mind when I remembered that J.K. Rowling's final Harry Potter book is due to be released in a few short months, and that the utter frenzy surrounding it is only going to be magnified by the fact that, merely a week prior, the fifth Potter film is scheduled for international release. Imagine if locusts were human and wore fake plastic spectacles with round frames, and you'll get the picture rather quickly.

For those of you who have both read the books and seen the films, you may have noticed some key differences. For example, characters and scenes missing from the films, scenes added that not only weren't in the books, but that make little sense to the plot apart from the chance to wedge a really expensive special effect into the film. Also, occasionally, characters will say and do things that in the films that they did not in the books. This explains Harry stabbing Draco with a shiv in the film of book 4 ("GoF" as the fans call it).

All right, he didn't do that, but you know he wanted too. I reckon he wanted to beat Ron about the head with his broom as well, at least early on.

I've often wondered just how much control J.K. Rowling, the wealthiest woman in Britain and perhaps the world, exerts over the screenplays. I suspect her motto is "live and let live" although after the third and fourth films I've wondered if it's evolved into "just put the royalty money to good use, Jo."

I mean, let's face facts. I'm a huge cinema buff (this does not mean I watch the cinema "in the buff," at least not usually) but I realize that most mainstream Hollywood adaptations are crap from the precise moment they are optioned by a studio. It's like those science-fiction films where the innocent young woman is barely touched by the alien organism and is instantly and completely infected, corrupted, and doomed to eat human flesh and have skin problems beyond the ken of even the most talented dermatologist.

We all know that Hollywood types like to "put their stamp" on projects, and I don't just mean the actresses in the cheap sci-fi films described above. After all, don't filmmakers, from the brilliant to the gormless, fancy themselves "ar-tEE-sts." (They even pronounce it that way, and not just the French ones). They simply must express themselves creatively to get professional satisfaction from a project, right?

Well, frankly that excuse is complete rubbish. What they really want is the cheap ego massaging and the prestige and perks of control. Directors and screenwriters change things around not to make the story come to life for the cinema audience, but so they can mutter to attractive, thinly-dressed birds at exclusive cocktail parties, "No, that bit... that bit was all mine, baby," followed by the inevitable pitch for a private "audition." The result is a hyperkinetic mosh of vapid ideas, with the original story strewn about in places, like biscuit crumbs in an obsessive-compulsive's kitchen.

Anyway, all this led me to wonder just what the initial conference call on the first Potter sceenplay was like. Surely, the aforementioned perils of adaptation would be clearly on display. So, with a wave of my rhetorical wand (no jokes, please), let's just us find out...

**********

(J.K. Rowling is in her new home she's purchased with the advance from Warner Bros. option of her first book, Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone. The phone rings and she picks up. A Hollywood Screenwriter is on the other end.)

J.K.: Hallo?

Screenwriter: Jo? It's Steve, the screenwriter for the film.

J.K.: Steve, nice to speak with you again. How are you?

Screenwriter: I'm doing good. You?

J.K.: Very well, thank you. Well, David said you'd call about the first draft.

Screenwriter: Right. I've got some questions that I'd like to ask you about the book.

J.K.: (Laughs) Well, I'll do my best, but I would like to keep some secrets, as I've six more books to go.

Screenwriter: (Laughs) Oh, I don't care about the secrets. I wanted to ask about making some changes.

J.K.: Sorry, did you say changes?

Screenwriter: Yeah... I mean, don't get me wrong, I love this story. It's a great page-turner and is really imaginative, or at least that's what my kids have told me. However... there are a few things I think we need to adapt a bit for a movie audience.

J.K.: Really? Such as?

Screenwriter: Well, for example, on page 98, where Ron and his brothers introduce themselves. Do we really have to use the name "Weasley?"

J.K.: Well, what's wrong with "Weasley?"

Screenwriter: It just sounds an awful lot like "Weasel." Do we really want the hero's best friend to be named "Weasel."

J.K.: Weasley.

Screenwriter: Right, right, but it sounds like Weasel. With the Brit accents, a lot of Americans are gonna think this kid and his whole family are weasels.

J.K.: I should hardly think so.

Screenwriter: Jo, you gotta trust me on this one. I know the average American movie-goer. These are people who watch Hamlet for the swordfights. Anyway, I've got an idea for an alternate name.

J.K.: (Sighs) All right, let's hear it.

Screenwriter: (dramatic pause) "Granite."

J.K.: Let me get this correct. You are proposing that I call my hero's best friend, "Ron Granite."

Screenwriter: Exactly!

J.K.: Steven, this is a story about a young boy's encounter with a magical world, not the big screen adaptation of The Flintstones!

Screenwriter: Jo, that's harsh. "Granite" says strength and resilience. It says "muscle."

J.K.: Why not just name him "Ron Muscle?"

Screenwriter: The MPAA says that will get us an "R" because of the way it could be interpreted. C'mon, Jo... "Ron Granite." It's magic!

J.K.: It's absolutely out of the question.

Screenwriter: OK, OK, let me give you some time to think about it. Let's move on to the next one.

J.K.: Sure, anything...

Screenwriter: Does Hagrid have to be so tall? Isn't 11 feet a bit much.

J.K.: So tall? (Patiently) Steven, he's part giant. He's got to be somewhat tall, yes?

Screenwriter: Well, if he were only six-foot-four, he'd be easier to get in all the shots. Plus, we might be able to get Ted Danson for the part.

J.K.: I don't want Ted Danson for the part.

Screenwriter: Oh, but Jo, he'd be hilarious. Did you see him in that movie with Whoopi Goldberg? What a hoot!

J.K.: No, I'm afraid that didn't get a very wide release in the U.K. Nonetheless, Hagrid is half-giant. Plus, we need someone British in the part to get the West Country accent right. Let's move on.

Screenwriter: OK, OK... still... Danson!

J.K.: (Tersely) What's next?

Screenwriter: Well, the studio is concerned about the hair colors of the lead characters.

J.K.: What's wrong with the bloody hair colours?

Screenwriter: Quite frankly, they're worried about getting the red hair to come out right on camera.

J.K.: What on earth does that mean? People with ginger hair appear in films all the time. Surely you've heard of Maureen O'Hara or Red Buttons?

Screenwriter: I can only pass along what the director tells me to. If it wasn't red hair, they think they could get Tobey Maguire for the role.

J.K.: (Impatiently) I'd hazard a guess that he was too short and too old for the role.

Screenwriter: You'd think that, but remember that Ralph Macchio was The Karate Kid when he was in his mid-40's. Also, while I'm on the subject, they think Hermione should be a platinum blonde, and can we make her front teeth smaller?

J.K.: A platinum blonde?? She's only 11 bleeding years old!! Plus, she's a ruddy bookworm...she wouldn't dye her hair!!!

Screenwriter: We'd say it was natural because of the "magic." The studio really feels like the actress will grow up in the role and they feel that platinum blonde is what teenaged boys want to see in a heroine.

J.K.: What do the raging harmones of spotty, teenaged gits have to do with my effing story?!?

Screenwriter: Jo, we want the visuals of this story to match the intensity of your words!

J.K.: (Pause) (Muttered curses in the background) You can have the teeth, but the hair is light brown at best.

Screenwriter: Can we cut off the frizzyness?

J.K.: Only if you cut your own head off as well.

Screenwriter: I'd consider it if the money were right.