It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Friday, July 20, 2007

Potter Madness - The Final Chapter

Well, unless you've been living in the same cave as Osama Bin Laden you're probably aware that the final Harry Potter book, Harry Potter and the Enormous Rip Off, is due out tomorrow. All right, the official title is actually Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. The Deathly Hallows are what appear to await publishers Bloomsbury and Scholastic's security personnel. After spending $20 million US on securing the book so that advance copies wouldn't be leaked before the July 21, midnight release, the book is apparently everywhere online. To paraphrase Dumbledore from the first book, "It's a secret, so naturally everyone knows." A short timeline of the events follows (Potential SPOILER Alert - readers of the following may discern details of the book, provided they are true and JK Rowling's writing displays the effects of someone on mescaline.):

  • Monday, July 16: A photocopy of a chapter of the book appears online. Most fans think it is a hoax because of the paragraph about George W. Bush's National Guard duty.
  • Tuesday, July 17: Photos of the remainder of the book, all 4359 pages, appear online in various forms. Scholastic files a subpeona to have the pages removed from the websites, and also issues an apology for the abysmal writing. One of the chapters published is a purported epilogue that has one of Harry Potter's children named "Albus Severus Potter." The other one is named "Winston Hitler Potter." Also, Hermione is revealed to be Harry's twin brother.
  • Wednesday, July 18: JK Rowling pleads for calm, asking readers to ignore "misinformation" on the Internet, such as photocopied pages of the book, illustrations, and where to locate copies on E-Bay. Scholastic threatens to sue DeepDiscountBooks.com for releasing copies of the book days early in a cheap bid for publicity and also as a way to give JK Rowling the finger for not doing their adverts. Several Harry Potter fans go on the rampage in Los Angeles when Newsweek claims that a copy of the book was flushed down the toliet during the interogation of a DeepDiscountBooks.com sales rep. The book in question later turns out to be a copy of Jacqueline Susann's Once Is Not Enough.
  • Thursday, July 19: Not content with revealing U.S. national security secrets, the N.Y. Times issues a review of the book two days before they were supposed to receive their advanced copy. Susan Sarandon and Vice President Dick Cheney issue a joint statement, calling for the editors of the Times to be boiled in oil for this transgression. The Baltimore Sun also issues a reviews, which only 3 people read because that paper is crap. JK Rowling, seeing where the real money is, issues a press release saying that she will reveal the plot of the final book in a tell all to the Guardian unless she is paid one billion pounds British before midnight. Potter fans raise the amount in just under 30 minutes.
  • Friday, July 20: Katie Couric shocks the world by announcing that in the final chapter of the book, Severus Snape is revealed to be James Bond and shoots Voldemort between the eyes. JK Rowling announces that after the sales of the book are complete, she will be moving to The International Space Station for a year to get away from "the madness."
  • Saturday, July 21: All hell breaks loose when Potter fans actually get the book in their sweaty little hands and discover that it is just an extended rewrite of Curious George Goes to the Zoo.

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