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Monday, July 02, 2007

Naked Tragedy

All right, I've been resisting this story for a week or so now, mainly because it's so obvious, but also because, after the bit about the (late) death row inmate who wanted to go out with a rim shot, vultures have been circling the offices.

I'm sorry, please replace the word "vultures" with "lawyers."

(F. Johnny Lee hates that joke, as he hates all jokes. Erm... lawyer jokes, that is.)

I'll begin again.


It all started with the news that a South Carolina couple had been found deceased at the bottom of a 50 foot tall building in Columbia. This in itself was sad and somewhat remarkable news, but the story really hit the Internet circuit when it was revealed that the couple were completely nude.*

The sudden, stark exposure of this naked fact naturally led to the wire services streaking to pick up the bare essentials of the raw story and flesh it out by writing numerous sentences like this one, with lots of cheap and blatant references to nudity.

Also, according to the AP... or actually, to be quite frank, in the AP story itself ...the word "sex" was used at least once, just to show they could.**

Actually, only the prurient minds of the Associated Press would, pardon the expression, leap to the possible conclusion that these young, naked lovers (presumably, mind you) were engaged in sexual behavior at the time of their demise. We at The Dictionary of Unfortunate Ideas do not like to dwell to much on the sordid possiblities, especially as this is the second death-oriented post inside a week.*** So, please allow me to suggest some alternate activities that these unfortunate, now famous, jaybirds could have been engaged in, in contrast to the AP's immediate assumption that this was a shag too far.

  • Nude bungee jumping (and the cord slipped)
  • Nude tandem building climbing
  • Nude tandem Jackie Chan stunt doubles
  • Nude tandem chimneysweeps
  • Nude windowwashers
  • Nude Birdcouple of Alcatraz
  • Nude astronomers
  • Nude roofers
  • Skinny dipping high dive act
  • Exhibitionist Super Dave wannabes

Oh, all right. It probably was sex. I can just hear the people at the AP chortling in ironic triumph.

*You were probably wondering why we didn't include a picture.
**Which is better than the N.Y. Post headline: "Couple Goes Out With A Bang!"
***Which is really making me sweat, and I'm fully clothed...at least right now.

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