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Monday, April 18, 2011

Dollars, Taxes*

It's not April the 15th, but it is Tax Day here in the U.S. of A. Thanks to a District of Columbia holiday (Fredrick Douglass MacArthur Day), the deadline to file your tax return is three days later than usual. This of course means that the average person waited three days longer to throw everything together at the last minute. (I filed mine electronically, last night. Ha!)

So, many of you are sweating right now like Cee-Lo Green performing at a ladies church social. Never fear! Here are a few last minute tax tips to make your day go smoother.**

  • You cannot declare your pets as dependents. No matter how close you are to Mr. NumNums, he's not technically your child. A good way to distinguish between actual children and pets is to remember that actual children are not neutered.
  • Under no circumstance are Sloppy Joes a business expense, even if you own a restaurant. (Who ever heard of a successful Sloppy Joe joint? Man up and take the loss.)
  • We do not recommend that you write your opinions of the tax process in the margins of the form. Anonymous e-mails from offshore accounts are the preferred method for this kind of venting.
  • Putting dollar bills in a lap dancer's brassiere can not be counted as a charitable deduction, no matter how unappealing she is.
  • The Alternative Minimum Tax is not a tax for people who like the Grateful Dead and smoking weed. You need to file forms 3089-XYZ if you fall under this classification.
  • All checks for tax due should be made out to the IRS, not "President Obama."
  • Returns should be mailed in standard addressed envelopes. The US Postal Service will not deliver returns that are tied to bricks that have smashed through their windows.***
  • Extensions for filing taxes may only be filed if you have a good reason. Slept through April due to Tequila coma is not a good reason.
  • Sign your own name to the return, please. You have no idea what kind of living hell the IRS is putting poor Ivana Mann, of Tupelo, Mississippi, through.
* With apologies to Chico Marx
** We are not responsible in any way for the physical examination you receive from the IRS if you choose to follow some of these tips. We will tell you that those rubber gloves are really cold.
*** At least, they haven't yet.

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