Comforting Words for the Unwise

Jerry Seinfeld once remarked that because Americans fear public speaking more than death, at a funeral you're better off being the guy in the casket than the one delivering the eulogy. Well, of course.  The deceased can hardly mess things up but a poor speaker can really cast a pall over things. 

Heaven knows there have been some bad eulogies delivered in history. The Twitterverse picked up on this meme just the other day with a #badeulogies theme. Here are my contributions (yes, there are a lot of them).  Better you warble a tuneless falsetto dirge at a memorial solemnity than utter one of these:

• ...and so we bid farewell to old whatshisname.
• During races Petey would shout, "Eat my dust!" Looking at his urn here (pulls out spoon), I can think of no greater tribute.
• There are no words that can sum up my feelings for Archie, but perhaps this one finger can.
• ...and we know he will be dearly missed by his wife Joan, who, if I may say, looks drop dead sexy in black... no pun intended.
• They say those who live by the sword will die by the sword... but I don't have to tell you how much Reginald loved fencing.
• Momma always told me that if you can't say anything nice, then...
• I never thought I'd be telling this kind of a joke in a church but it was his favorite, so here goes!
• When he said "there's a snake in my pants" I thought he was just kidding around as usual.
• First dibs on his World of Warcraft account!
• I suppose it could be worse. It could be me in the box, right?
• It happens that I'm a professional "ghost whisperer" and let me tell you, Ginny has a few more things to say to a few of you!
• T'was booty killed the beast.
• I guess this proves gin shooters and tightrope walking really don't mix.
• And he was *this* close to the world record for stuffing ping pong balls in your mouth.
• Who would have thought a heart attack would claim Reggie? I just thought he was a really bad charades player.
• Hold on, I just need to take this call... (whispered) yes, 50 bucks on Ghost of a Chance in the sixth.
• On retrospect, I suppose jumping 20 buses through a ring of fire on a BMX was a bad idea.
• Why if he wasn't dead already, I've have plugged the %$#& myself!
• Al taught us two things: first, a man is only as rich as his friendships. Second, Bigfoot isn't a myth, after all.
• I could have sworn I just saw his mouth move. (With apologies to They Might  Be Giants)
• And so I said to him, I'll bet you ten bucks you can't outrun that lion!
• You may be wondering why there are eight little coffins at George's funeral. That's a funny story...
• Before I begin, will someone let me know how I'm going to get back the 20 bucks Mr. "Rest In Peace" here owes me?
• I've never been to a cannibal funeral before but... oh, "Hannibal!" Hannibal, Missouri. Sorry for the confusion!
• Loving husband, beloved son, yada, yada, yada...
• Thank you, thank you! I'll be here 'til the end of the funeral!
• ...and he might very well be with us today, if not for for the piranha.
• Most of you only know one side of Clarence ...and I'm not just referring to his old cellmates in San Quentin.
• I wish you could have seen the look on his face right before I ran over him.
• Slippery little devil, but I finally got him.
• As homicidal maniacs go, he was a peach.
• I'll always think of Georgio's fantastic trapeze work. And I'll always remember his final words: "Oops!"
• Jim and Laura were a terrific couple. Oh, and by the way guys, I got first dibs on Laura.
• (singing) ...and that's why the lady is a tramp!
• We often remember funny things that people did in life. I remember something Slim told me, as he lay dying of his stab wound...
• Brad was an organ donor... and we'll be raffling off those organs right after the ceremony.
• Many of you may wonder why there is no coffin here. Well, they simply haven't caught the shark that ate him yet.
• ...the tragic victim of the most terrible clown car accident in human memory.
• No one can replace the void Jenny's death will leave in the lives of her family, her fiance, and the local biker club.
• If there's a silver lining to this, it's that Stinky Pete here never smelled as bad in life as he will in about three weeks.
• Don't feel too bad! Fortunately, his head was removed and will be frozen, in case they come up with a cure.
• The first time I went out with Midge she also wound up laying down and as cold as ice.
• He wanted to be cremated. I guess he thought, why put off something until the afterlife when you can start now.
• If I'd have known you all would feel this badly about it, I wouldn't have shot the bastard.
• We come to remember what a great man Hal was... and how dangerous banana peels are in front of a steamroller.