You mess with Harpo Marx, you get the horns.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Comforting Words for the Unwise

Jerry Seinfeld once remarked that because Americans fear public speaking more than death, at a funeral you're better off being the guy in the casket than the one delivering the eulogy. Well, of course.  The deceased can hardly mess things up but a poor speaker can really cast a pall over things. 

Heaven knows there have been some bad eulogies delivered in history. The Twitterverse picked up on this meme just the other day with a #badeulogies theme. Here are my contributions (yes, there are a lot of them).  Better you warble a tuneless falsetto dirge at a memorial solemnity than utter one of these:

  • ...and so we bid farewell to old whatshisname.
  • During races Petey would shout, "Eat my dust!" Looking at his urn here (pulls out spoon), I can think of no greater tribute.
  • There are no words that can sum up my feelings for Archie, but perhaps this one finger can.
  • ...and we know he will be dearly missed by his wife Joan, who, if I may say, looks drop dead sexy in black... no pun intended.
  • They say those who live by the sword will die by the sword... but I don't have to tell you how much Reginald loved fencing.
  • Momma always told me that if you can't say anything nice, then...
  • I never thought I'd be telling this kind of a joke in a church but it was his favorite, so here goes!
  • When he said "there's a snake in my pants" I thought he was just kidding around as usual.
  • First dibs on his World of Warcraft account!
  • I suppose it could be worse. It could be me in the box, right?
  • It happens that I'm a professional "ghost whisperer" and let me tell you, Ginny has a few more things to say to a few of you!
  • T'was booty killed the beast.
  • I guess this proves gin shooters and tightrope walking really don't mix.
  • And he was *this* close to the world record for stuffing ping pong balls in your mouth.
  • Who would have thought a heart attack would claim Reggie? I just thought he was a really bad charades player.
  • Hold on, I just need to take this call... (whispered) yes, 50 bucks on Ghost of a Chance in the sixth.
  • On retrospect, I suppose jumping 20 buses through a ring of fire on a BMX was a bad idea.
  • Why if he wasn't dead already, I've have plugged the %$#& myself!
  • Al taught us two things: first, a man is only as rich as his friendships. Second, Bigfoot isn't a myth, after all.
  • I could have sworn I just saw his mouth move. (With apologies to They Might  Be Giants)
  • And so I said to him, I'll bet you ten bucks you can't outrun that lion!
  • You may be wondering why there are eight little coffins at George's funeral. That's a funny story...
  • Before I begin, will someone let me know how I'm going to get back the 20 bucks Mr. "Rest In Peace" here owes me?
  • I've never been to a cannibal funeral before but... oh, "Hannibal!" Hannibal, Missouri. Sorry for the confusion!
  • Loving husband, beloved son, yada, yada, yada...
  • Thank you, thank you! I'll be here 'til the end of the funeral!
  • ...and he might very well be with us today, if not for for the piranha.
  • Most of you only know one side of Clarence ...and I'm not just referring to his old cellmates in San Quentin.
  • I wish you could have seen the look on his face right before I ran over him.
  • Slippery little devil, but I finally got him.
  • As homicidal maniacs go, he was a peach.
  • I'll always think of Georgio's fantastic trapeze work. And I'll always remember his final words: "Oops!"
  • Jim and Laura were a terrific couple. Oh, and by the way guys, I got first dibs on Laura.
  • (singing) ...and that's why the lady is a tramp!
  • We often remember funny things that people did in life. I remember something Slim told me, as he lay dying of his stab wound...
  • Brad was an organ donor... and we'll be raffling off those organs right after the ceremony.
  • Many of you may wonder why there is no coffin here. Well, they simply haven't caught the shark that ate him yet.
  • ...the tragic victim of the most terrible clown car accident in human memory.
  • No one can replace the void Jenny's death will leave in the lives of her family, her fiance, and the local biker club.
  • If there's a silver lining to this, it's that Stinky Pete here never smelled as bad in life as he will in about three weeks.
  • Don't feel too bad! Fortunately, his head was removed and will be frozen, in case they come up with a cure.
  • The first time I went out with Midge she also wound up laying down and as cold as ice.
  • He wanted to be cremated. I guess he thought, why put off something until the afterlife when you can start now.
  • If I'd have known you all would feel this badly about it, I wouldn't have shot the bastard.
  • We come to remember what a great man Hal was... and how dangerous banana peels are in front of a steamroller.

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