If you're not Donald Trump, check out our archives below. If you are Donald Trump, fix your hair before you do that. Please.

Saturday, April 02, 2005

John Paul II - Rest in Peace

Friday, April 01, 2005

The Netherlands...Is that like "The Donald"?

This is the country that always confuses me. The call themselves the Netherlands, but they are also Holland. What are the people referred to as? (Please spare me the requisite nasty answers from the Belgians out there.) The Dutch.

Muliple Personality Disorder, thy name is Holland. (or Van Multiple Personality Disorder)

Also, why "The Netherlands"? I always think of "nether regions". Is Holland the crotch of Europe?

We're fools 24/7 365!!!!!!!!!!!!

Instead of pulling off some elaborate April Fools Day joke, let’s just stick with the propensity for citing oddball musicians the website has taken on lately. With that in mind I give you, April Fools, the Bon Jovi, Toto, and Prince cover band from the Netherlands, or is that The Netherlands. I guess you have to say The Netherlands or you might confuse people into thinking you are talking about any old Netherlands. But I digress. What struck me as interesting, besides the fact that they cover songs from three such divergent groups, was the intro to their website: April Fools, Rock and More. Well, curiosity got the best of me so I set up a phone interview with the band to find out about them and what “More” was all about.

Transcript

Stew: Good evening guys, what time is it there?

Silvan: Het is drie, oh I’m sorry, it is three in the morning, vee are very tired from playing concert in Amsterdam met Glamour Hosen who are the Billy Idol, Bobby McFerrin, and Roy Clark cover band.

Stew: Sorry guys, please tell me a little about yourselves.

Roger: Stew, we are a group of Dutch youth who have awakened to the power of Rock to bring peace to the world. Our sets include many Bon Jovi, Toto, and Prince songs peppered with those of Van Dik Hout our own home chunk brother. We feel if everyone would just listen to the lyrics we could all live in peace and harmony.

Stew: Sounds interesting, how much demand is there in Holland for a Bon Jovi, Toto, and Prince cover band?

Pascal: Oh, we are very popular, especially met de girls if you know what I mean. [laughter]

Maurice: Don’t listen to him, he is only making the jokes and he is impotent.

Stew: Pardon me?

Maurice: (to group) Hoe zegt u erectiele dysfunctie? [Illegible] I mean his mind is like that of a seven year old.

Stew: Pascal, we understand that your last name was not originally Art, that you changed it.

Pascal: Dat is mijn naam.

Stew: We have it on good authority that your name was actually Pascal Kippenvoeler. Is that right?

Pascal: Ja.

Silvan: Ja, he changed it due to the fact that he comes from a family of poultry molesters, the name means “chicken feeler”. It is very hard for him to live down.

Stew: I’m sorry I brought it up. What does it mean on your website when it says “Rock and More”?

Maurice: Spreading peace through rock is a very demanding business especially for a Bon Jovi, Toto, and Prince cover band. The “more” is our way of letting booking agents know that we can arrive at our gig, set-up, paint the venue, do any odd maintenance, sell tickets, remove rubbish, clean the venue post concert, and help park cars when necessary.

Stew: You do all of that? Do you have time for music?

Silvan: It is difficult but we can usually work a few songs in between shining shoes and waxing the floors. I sometimes think the only thing that keeps us going is our love for the music and our volunteering for medical experimentation. It is our shame and our badge of honor.

Pascal: I can’t feel my legs!!

Roger: Hold on Pascal, take the injection.

Stew: Maybe we can just leave it at that, I don’t want to keep you guys up any longer. We haven’t heard from Don Mulders though. Don, do you have anything you would like to elaborate on?

Don: Moooooooo, Eeeeh Aaaaah!!!!!!!!!!

Maurice: Forgive him, his is…hoe zegt… a satyr. The hormones were too strong but he has lost the tail so we have hope.

End transcript

Rock on, April Fools, wherever you are and in whatever form, man or beast, you have taken.

Thursday, March 31, 2005

Our dog hates me.

It's true. Our dog, which we have owned for over 3 years now, which we have fed scraps from our table, and given the comfort of our home, hates me. From what I can tell, in her opinion, I am either the Anti-Christ, or his press agent.

The dog herself is a large black labrador retriever/border collie mix, a mixture that dog experts suggest makes for a highly intelligent dog. What they neglect to say is that it makes for an extremely neurotic and paranoid animal as well.

There are two regular greetings I get from our dog: The first is for her to immediately run into the bedroom and hide under my wife's bedside table, where she lives (the dog, not Mrs. Fando) 95% of my time in the house, only coming out to poop, stretch and break wind simultaneously, or stare at me from across the room the way a foraging budgie watches a hungry cat.

The second greeting is to bark loudly at me in annoyance...and then run under Mrs. Fando's bedside table.

I have often theorized that our dog, were she able to speak English, would sound exactly like Will Farrell's impression of Janet Reno.

I have much more to say about this, including a very detailed view of how I think she views the world (Sample - In the Ferrell/Reno voice: I don't trust that man. He's tall, large, and has eyes like a big, fat weasel. He can never love that woman the way I do. She's like the mother I never had...except human, with much less hair and breath that doesn't smell like Beggin Bits.)

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Music to my ears...well, somebody's ears.

JCV, I can see I'd be voting for Claramore Ardamore Phint to be the next American Idol, if I actually watched the show or gave a rat's sphincter about any aspect of it. The reason? We are both Grunge Pirates of Omaha fans, of course! (GPO Rules!)

As you all know, I'm sure, Grunge Pirates of Omaha was the most fab grunge band of the mid-nineties. Based in Lincoln, Nebraska, their raw, yet mellow, brutal, yet intoxicatingly smooth, dulcet-toned grunge metal inspired an entire generation of bands to give up rock and roll entirely and move into Klezmer, Zydeco, and other accordion-based forms of pop music. The bands GPO had an impact on included The Faith Levitators, Simon LeBond's Nipple, Wax On-Wax Off, The Turnkeys, Windows 2525, Can O' Hash, The Unforgettable Forgettables, and ABBA.

GPO's debut album was "I'm Not Gonna Mow Your Lawn Anymore!" a rollicking song-narrative about lead singer Kipper Moccasin Boa Morte's two years as DeputyPress Secretary in the Clinton Administration. They also released in rapid succession the albums, "My Head Lice are Out of Control" and "My Sister Is Made of Meth", as well as the extended single "I Lost My Finger In the Chili Vat at the Wendy's Plant" (Aha! I knew there had to be an explanation!) , leading up to the mammoth 17 day recording session that produced their masterpiece album "Sipping Hooch As Tremendous Nostrils Eat Riverside".

S.H.A.T.N.E.R. is the album that contains my favorite song, "Leonard Nimoy Creeps Me Out" which just so happens guest-stars Bill Shatner as a supporting "vocalist" and was single-handedly responsible for the famous barfight in which Shat and Nimoy went at it with broken bottles until an enraged Gary Coleman beat them senseless with a barstool for knocking over his Shirley Temple. (True to form, Bill and Leo made up and have been fast friends ever since. On every anniversary of this event they both go over to Kipper's house and break both his kneecaps...which also happens to explain the odd novelty dance craze of 1999, "Doin' the Kipper".)

Anyway, I've transcribed the lyrics to "Leonard Nimoy Creeps Me Out" below, so you can get a taste of the genius that is GPO.

Leonard Nimoy Creeps Me Out
lyrics and music by Kipper Moccasin Boa Morte
Guest vocalization by William Shatner

Kipper:
Pointed ears, blue shirt, straight black hair and beady eyeballs see
Several albums, Nurse Chapel, "The Good Mother", and "Star Trek III"
Old Westerns, "Atlantis..." as King Kashekim! "Three Men and a Baby", "Them!"
Man you creep me out Leonard, Man you creep me out Leonard!
Kick it Bill!

William Shatner (sung baritone, in a euro-ballad style, ala Scott Walker):
Mission! Mis-sion Im-poss-i-ble! I can't believe -- you were on Mission Impossible!

Kipper:
"The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins" reeks, you and your "Highly Illogical" freaks
Groupies dancin' like the Laker girls, Your and your turtleneck and your freaky world
"Columbo: A Stitch in Time" and "Baffled!", Did you get these parts in a raffle?
Man you creep me out Leonard, Man you creep me out Leonard!
Kick it Bill!


William Shatner:
Mission! Mis-sion Im-poss-i-ble! How the hell -- did you get Mission Impossible?
And he's gone...gone...gone...gone...gone!

Guitar solo (4 guitars simultaneously in different keys) fade out...

You know, I would love to see Bill Shatner on American Idol. He would come on, do some awful cover of a Beatles song, and then Simon Cowell would utter what would surely be his last words of criticism to anyone, anywhere. The poor bloke wouldn't know what hit him. He'd be like those people on the gangster planet right after Kirk brought the phasers down on them.

Jorge Carlito Critiques American Idol

American Idol is the fab fresh phenom of the modern American scene, or so I read in those newspaper article where they tell you what is fab fresh like "Desperation Housemans" or whatever that TV show called. I decide to follow the season of American Idol this current semester and watch carefully each contestant to judge on this forum what is stink and not stink about each person who try to sing on that show. Here are the contestant of this season and my opinion unfettered by ethics.

George McJorjithicket Jr. -- He sing Whitney Houston songs every week like "I'm Every Woman" and "Going to the Zoo not Fun when Monkey Bite Buttocks" and many other Whitney Houston hits from 1985-1997. His voice kind of high like the girl voice and his hair sort of the feathery too pretty type of hairs. I voted for him seventeen times with the redial.

Laurence Hightop -- He singing many interesting songs by the diva known as Aretha Franklin such as "Respect" and "Stab Yo Man" and "Where'd M'Dress Fall Off To?" Laurence sort of the shaky voice type singer where the vocal always goes up and down really fast sort of like the El Camino that went into a lake and lay on the bottom but somehow the engine is still idling where people on shore can hear it. Laurence sort of bother me when he sings because I think he looking at me and judging me.

Claramore Ardamore Phint -- She singing many gorgeous songs like "Take Me Home Tonight" and other classics by Eddie Money and others such as Beach Boys, Beatles, Surfing Dogg Stipples and Grunge Pirates of Omaha. My favorite performance when she sing "I Think Yer Mama Fell Out A Window" by Dolly Parton. It put the shiver of joy down the back of Jorge Carlito. I vote for her sixty three times with the Vonage redial.

Uithykle Jones -- Good singer from the borough of Staten Island sing in a husky voice like the man-woman. She have the fire red hair and sing the Sting classics like "Roxanne" and "I'll Be Watching You" and "I'm Still Watching You" and "I Was Watching You, but I Got Bored so I Went to Wendy's and Had Some Human Finger Chili Instead" and "I Never Watched You; It Was All A Lie, But I Did Have Human Finger Chili." This lady not the good style singer but the kind that makes kittens jump into the turned on oven. I vote for her three times and cried in shame each time.

Anyway, that is all the singers on that show, I think. I don't know. I was sitting pretty far away from the TV when I watched, so maybe some of my details are wrong. Simon Cow is the main guy, though, I know that, and Mr. Cow very smart record man. I will stayed glued to my TV just like you, America. But after a while the glue burns the skin off my hand, so maybe I will have to use paint thinner to unstick glue after a few hours.

Something about this movie bugs me.

When I read about Mansquito I felt nauseous for about five minutes. Then for the next five minutes I laughed so hard I nearly broke a rib. Then nausea mixed with heavy guffawing followed by a sort of serenity brought on by the endorphins released due to the rib fractures. When I finally regained my composure I had only one thought, this just might work with the right casting. You may be wondering if I’ve lost my mind, like the producers of Mansquito, but if you put the right pegs in the right holes anything is possible. Therefore, here are a series of scenes with the actors I would have chosen.

Scene: A laboratory in the headquarters of Todd Bridges Enterprises where Dr. Glavin, played by Jerry Lewis (circa. 1963), is producing a vaccine for malaria. Evil corporate director Rex Dragonsblood, portrayed by William Shatner, enters the room.

Rex: Glavin, where is that new vaccine you promised.

Dr. Glavin: Hey, careful with the yelling mean corporate man. I could have spilt this beaker of the growth hormone and the mosquitos don’t ya know.

Rex: Don’t get all scientific with me, I…want…results!!!

Dr. Glavin does not see the banana peel thrown on the floor by his chimpanzee assistant Mr. Twinkles.

Dr. Glavin: Hey Mr. Twinkles, hold this beaker and...oh goodness (Glavin slips on the banana peel and after juggling the growth hormone and mosquito cage for a minute is able to catch them both just before they are combined. Mr. Twinkles jumps down and grabs the beaker and the mosquitos and consumes both as Rex and Glavin look on.)

Rex: What… do you… think… will… happen?

Mr. Twinkles stomach starts to expand and, a la Alien, a mosquito head pops out. The mosquito jumps to the floor and grows to the size of a man in a few seconds.

Dr. Glavin: Mansquito, oh no. Mansquitoooooo!!!! (Glavin runs around in a circle and crashes into a pillar knocking himself unconscious.)

Rex: No, don’t… suck my blood… I can make you a star!!!!!!!

End scene.


Scene: The top of Mount Rushmore, our hero Buck Sterile [Arnold Schwarzenegger] is running across the heads of the presidents with Lula Trollop, played by Pam Anderson.

Buck: Hurry, I don't want to pester you, but we are escaping a Mansquito.

Lula: I just broke another nail you gorilla, stop dragging me by my hair.

Buck: Sorry, it comes from all the steroids I used to take when they were legal. (Looks at the screen) Kids, don’t take the steroids, they are bad for your body and will cause all kinds of emotional and physical difficulties for you later in your life.

Lula: Who are you talking to?

Buck: Never mind, that was the cocaine talking. I think we have lost the Mansquito, but he can smell our blood. Why did it have to be a Mansquito? I hate Mansquitos?

We cut to them sitting in a makeshift camp where a fire glows and citronella candles are placed evenly around the perimeter. Buck is sitting next to the fire polishing an abnormally large can of Off! and loading a bandoleer with smaller citronella candles.

Buck: Don’t worry Lula, you just stay in the lean-to and take your sponge bath. I am only watching for the Mansquito and not sneaking peaks at you.

Lula: Ooo, this water is so cold.

Buck: Isn’t it though.

A scratching is heard in the bushes and Lula runs out of the lean-to only clothed in a small towel.

Lula: Buck, what is it?

Buck: I don’t know. Stay here and don’t get dressed.

Buck moves out toward the trees when we see the Mansquito, played by Danny Devito, jump out into the open.

Mansquito: Hey hubba hubba, who’s the doll in the towel?

Buck: (raising the can of Off!) Stop bugging us.

End scene

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Yes my computer is working...

...and strangely enough the people at Microsoft deserve some credit. Bill Gates is still a weasel of course, but now he's my weasel.

The Gateway people, whose suggestion was to back up your important files and re-image the drive, are still in my proverbial doghouse. The moment the computer started properly, I turned to the direction of Gateway HQ in South Dakota and let them know exactly what I thought of their support.

If there are small children reading this, what I mean to say is that I stuck my tongue out at them.

You really can't go back James Tiberius Kirk.

William Shatner's latest television series has him pretending to be an obnoxious film and television star producing and starring in a low-budget film in Riverside, Iowa (Captain James T. Kirk's birthplace in Star Trek.)

OK, maybe "pretending" is a stretch. We love Shat and all, but he's reputedly not the easiest person in the world to get along with.

Still, William Shatner in Iowa? I made a few calls to some residents of Riverside (cleverly pretending to be casting for the next Star Trek movie: Star Trek, the Wrath of Bill) and got the following insights into Kaiser Bill:

Dave Rut, local truck driver: Yeah, I met Mr. Shatner, and I have to say that he was as down-to-earth and normal as any person I've ever known. He even lets his pet Afghan clean his plate when he's finished with his daily snack of beluga caviar and foie gras; although no one... and I mean no one, touches his Chablis unless'n they want to lose a finger.

Amy Lithe, local yoga instructor: He was a very deep and thoughtful man. He knows a great deal about a lot of things, especially yoga. Why he was well versed with the sutras and had an in-depth knowledge of the tantric... (this quote has been discontinued after consultation with F. Johnny Lee and the rest of the DOUI legal team).

Bobby Joe Griddle, local Waffle Hut employee: Whooee! There's a man who knows his eggs right. He must've sent them back 20 times because the yolks weren't the right consistency. Fortunately, egg cleans right off my uniform or I'd be smellin' something awful.

Reggie Tremolo, local musician: I'd heard a lot about The Transformed Man, but I have to say the guy could rock for an old dude. He even did the Pete Townsend thing at the end and smashed up a guitar... I just wish it hadn't been my guitar, dude.

Willomena Willomena, local local: He had the most fantastic hair. It looked as though it would feel like a wool sweater...only made out of polyester.

Well, Bill is himself, that's for sure. Still, he can hold his head up high and say, that for all of his mistakes, at least he didn't write and sing "The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins".

私達は踊りましょうか。(Shall we dance?)

Richard Gere made the news today with an impromptu foxtrot with Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi, as part of a promotional tour for Gere's new film, Shall We Dance? a remake of an older, better Japanese film (See Breathless - France for more on Gere's and Hollywood's penchant for this sort of thing).

The Japanese Prime Minister, often called the "Japanese Richard Gere" because of his resemblance to the American actor (only 12 inches shorter), said that Mr. Gere was "interesting", although in a possible freudian slip, the Prime Minister's female translator said in English that Mr. Gere "has an interesting buttocks". She also apparently mistranslated the phrase, "I hope this will lead to improved relations between American and Japanese studios," as "Shake your funky grooving thing Richie Rich and let us get down tonight with relations." There is unconfirmed rumor that she also referred to Gere as one of many "Fine American foxes" but at the time Koizumi and Gere were doing the old Dan Aykroyd and Steve Martin Saturday Night Live bit, so it may have been completely appropriate.

Richard Gere, often called the "American Junichiro Koizumi" because of his striking resemblance to the Japanese Prime Minister (only 27 inches taller) indicated that he would lead in the dance, and afterwards stated that the Japanese Prime Minister was a remarkable dancer. Unfortunately, this was rendered into Japanese, by Gere's translator Bob Denver, as "I want to make you my love slave," and Mr. Gere was briefly restrained by Japanese security forces until the mistranslation was sorted out.

Unbeknowst to both Gere and Koizumi, reporters were using highly sensitive microphones during the clinch, and the following transcription of their conversation during the dance was released by Al Jazeera shortly afterwards:

Koizumi: 私達は踊りましょうか。 (Shall we dance?)

Gere: [Nervous laughter] I suppose so... anything to sell the picture, right?

Koizumi: [To reporters] 私は彼が言っている単語を理解できない。 (I can't understand a word he's saying.)

Gere: I’ll be the man and lead. [Bob Denver laughs.]

Koizumi: 私は彼が... 氏Macho 及び鉛であることを行っていることを推測する私をである日本の総理大臣、相棒実現しないか。きれいな女性のJulia ロバーツに第2 計算を得た。(I guess he's going to be Mr. Macho and lead... Don't you realize I'm the Prime Minister of Japan, buddy? You got second billing to Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.)

Gere: [To reporters] He's a pretty good dancer.

Koizumi: それらの大きいフィートの氏の大きい打撃の映画俳優を見なさい! 私のつま先で踏んでいる。 (Watch those big feet mister big shot movie star! You're treading on my toes.)

Gere: [To himself] He really does look a lot like me, only much shorter and Asian. It's like Mini-Me-san.

Koizumi: 人は、この猫毛深い鼻孔を持っている。 (Man, this cat has hairy nostrils.)

Gere: I never realized how incredibly sexy I'd look as a Japanese man. [he moves closer]

Koizumi: ちょっと、総理大臣の個人的なスペースを気にしなさい! Junichiro はそれをしない! (Hey, mind the Prime Minister's personal space! Junichiro don't play that!)

Gere: This is so strange. It's like slow-dancing with myself.

Koizumi: これは実際に私はい始めている。まだ、私は出版物のために同調するべきである。 (This is really starting to creep me out. Still, I'd better play along for the press.)

[They dip.]

Gere: This is remarkable. That gorgeous silver hair, those deep, inviting eyes...

Koizumi: 何か。彼は私の耳で吹いている! (What the hell? He's blowing in my ear!)

Gere: Richard, you amazing Japanese studmuffin, you.

Koizumi: 彼はどこに彼の手によって行っているか。ちょっと、流れ作業の氏の上の滞在! Whoa! わかりました! 私達はここにある! (Where's he going with his hands? Hey, stay above the beltline mister! Whoa! OK! We're through here!)

[They stop aburptly. Gere, looking as though he has just come out of a deep trance, walks over to a refreshments table and dumps a pitcher of ice water over his head. Koizumi is leaning against a wall, rubbing his backside against it as though he had a severe and very unpleasant itch.]

Monday, March 28, 2005

David Duchovny's Blog?

For those of you who use Blogger and are wondering what it takes to get noticed in the "Blogs We've Noticed" section of the dashboard (those of you who don't use Blogger can just go on as though this post were in Germanic-Latin) - Apparently if one is a former star of TV's "The X-Files", married to Tea Leoni, and directing a feature film, the suck-ups at Blogger.com will tumble for you and put you right at the top of the list.

Nothing against David Duchovny (and the blog, or the bits of it I saw, were okay - his e. e. cummings approach notwithstanding) but what about the little guys? What about the struggling, peon, comedy-blogging, desparados, who've not co-starred with Gillian Anderson in a cult-Television-hit about government cover-ups and the freaky nerds who help the FBI out in their investigations, despite the interference of a secret-cabal of military-industrialist shadow-government types, who are absolutely not funny in the most remote sense of the word (meaning "funny, Ha, ha") but are morosely serious and as deadly dull as a sledgehammer? (Deep breath)

Maybe the guys at Blogger are thinking this might swing them a meeting with Tea Leoni? It won't happen you dreamers! Come back down to earth and start taking notice of those of us struggling in the comedy-ghettos of the Internet! She's spoken for! She's got David Duchovny for heaven's sakes! He's the X-Files guy! He's directing! She's in the movie! Get on with your lives!

Seriously, I fear that more celebrities will enter blogging and knock us up-and-comers out of contention altogether. What happens if Cher or Striesand, or heaven forbid, Cameron Diaz, gets a blog? The "Blogs We've Noticed" board will look like a special all-blogging edition of People Magazine.

Sunday, March 27, 2005

Happy Easter!

Rarely do we get serious at this site, but I just wanted to emphasize that this is not a joke post.

He is risen! It's true. Now you need to figure out what that means to you. In our humble opinion it should mean a lot.

Normal jocularity resumes tomorrow. Cheers!

Daytime Emmy Awards withholding tapes from press

Apparently the Soap Opera media can't get ahold of key tapes of the Daytime Emmy Awards nominees.

Can we talk the networks into withholding the entire programming from us the general viewing public?

Seriously though, can one really tell from a tape of one actress playing a selfish, homicidal, nymphomaniac lesbian barfly with a secret lover in the government that it is that much better a performance than another actress' portrayal of a narcissitic, malevolent, she-devil of a dominatrix, with a penchant for armed robbery and men named Troy with cleft chins and the IQ of a seal?

I suddenly realized that I have metaphorically just described every British political sex scandal of the last 150 years, if you replace "Troy" with "Wallis Simpson".

Maybe there's something to these shows after all?