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Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Music to my ears...well, somebody's ears.

JCV, I can see I'd be voting for Claramore Ardamore Phint to be the next American Idol, if I actually watched the show or gave a rat's sphincter about any aspect of it. The reason? We are both Grunge Pirates of Omaha fans, of course! (GPO Rules!)

As you all know, I'm sure, Grunge Pirates of Omaha was the most fab grunge band of the mid-nineties. Based in Lincoln, Nebraska, their raw, yet mellow, brutal, yet intoxicatingly smooth, dulcet-toned grunge metal inspired an entire generation of bands to give up rock and roll entirely and move into Klezmer, Zydeco, and other accordion-based forms of pop music. The bands GPO had an impact on included The Faith Levitators, Simon LeBond's Nipple, Wax On-Wax Off, The Turnkeys, Windows 2525, Can O' Hash, The Unforgettable Forgettables, and ABBA.

GPO's debut album was "I'm Not Gonna Mow Your Lawn Anymore!" a rollicking song-narrative about lead singer Kipper Moccasin Boa Morte's two years as DeputyPress Secretary in the Clinton Administration. They also released in rapid succession the albums, "My Head Lice are Out of Control" and "My Sister Is Made of Meth", as well as the extended single "I Lost My Finger In the Chili Vat at the Wendy's Plant" (Aha! I knew there had to be an explanation!) , leading up to the mammoth 17 day recording session that produced their masterpiece album "Sipping Hooch As Tremendous Nostrils Eat Riverside".

S.H.A.T.N.E.R. is the album that contains my favorite song, "Leonard Nimoy Creeps Me Out" which just so happens guest-stars Bill Shatner as a supporting "vocalist" and was single-handedly responsible for the famous barfight in which Shat and Nimoy went at it with broken bottles until an enraged Gary Coleman beat them senseless with a barstool for knocking over his Shirley Temple. (True to form, Bill and Leo made up and have been fast friends ever since. On every anniversary of this event they both go over to Kipper's house and break both his kneecaps...which also happens to explain the odd novelty dance craze of 1999, "Doin' the Kipper".)

Anyway, I've transcribed the lyrics to "Leonard Nimoy Creeps Me Out" below, so you can get a taste of the genius that is GPO.

Leonard Nimoy Creeps Me Out
lyrics and music by Kipper Moccasin Boa Morte
Guest vocalization by William Shatner

Pointed ears, blue shirt, straight black hair and beady eyeballs see
Several albums, Nurse Chapel, "The Good Mother", and "Star Trek III"
Old Westerns, "Atlantis..." as King Kashekim! "Three Men and a Baby", "Them!"
Man you creep me out Leonard, Man you creep me out Leonard!
Kick it Bill!

William Shatner (sung baritone, in a euro-ballad style, ala Scott Walker):
Mission! Mis-sion Im-poss-i-ble! I can't believe -- you were on Mission Impossible!

"The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins" reeks, you and your "Highly Illogical" freaks
Groupies dancin' like the Laker girls, Your and your turtleneck and your freaky world
"Columbo: A Stitch in Time" and "Baffled!", Did you get these parts in a raffle?
Man you creep me out Leonard, Man you creep me out Leonard!
Kick it Bill!

William Shatner:
Mission! Mis-sion Im-poss-i-ble! How the hell -- did you get Mission Impossible?
And he's gone...gone...gone...gone...gone!

Guitar solo (4 guitars simultaneously in different keys) fade out...

You know, I would love to see Bill Shatner on American Idol. He would come on, do some awful cover of a Beatles song, and then Simon Cowell would utter what would surely be his last words of criticism to anyone, anywhere. The poor bloke wouldn't know what hit him. He'd be like those people on the gangster planet right after Kirk brought the phasers down on them.


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