It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

A New Automotive Trend - Dogs!

Juliette Piesley seems to have hit upon something big. No, I don't mean the fact that the Addlestone-based woman looks like and is approximately the same age as a certain Britain author of youth-oriented books, who is currently sequestered in her Edinburgh Fortress of Solitude (She bought the naming rights from DC Comics) writing the last of a series of novels that will enable her to buy the monarcy from the Windsors (She's already made the first 3 down payments).

No, Ms. Piesley has hit upon a novel idea that has revolutionised the car industry: Dogs.

It seems that Ms. Piesley's dog George, who was named after Liberace's infamous brother, accidentally swallowed a computer chip that was critical to the ignition of their vehicle. Now, the only way the car will start is if George is in it.

In the States, Detroit has taken notice. Ford has declared their intentions to bring out a new dog-themed SUV called the Great Dane, which will come with a live one as an included accessory which can double as your windscreen wiper. They also are developing a sports car called the Whippet which will not only include a live whippet, but which will be shaped like one, excluding the small, rat-like tail. They are even discussing changing the Mustang to the Mastiff, but in early tests too many drivers were seriously injured by the dogs that were included.

Chevy plans to change the name of its Tahoe to the Shih Tzu and to design the vehicle's engine to making a loud panting noise whist ticking over (idling for those of you in Montana). Also, they are going to design a lorry called the St. Bernard, which will include both a dog and a fully stocked mini-bar.

In England, the Aston-Martin will soon be known as the Airedale-Martin, but only because they couldn't find a cool enough dog breed that started with the letter "M." The dog will not only be required to start the vehicle, but also to open the glove box.

In Germany, Volkswagen is coming out with a whole line of cars, the Shepard, the Doberman, and the Rottweiler, all of which will be designed for high petrol mileage efficiency, comfort, afforability, and to attack intruders and prisoners-of-war on command.

Finally, Italy is combining dog-themed vehicles with attempts to develop alternative fuels. The Maltese will be a new Ferrari that not only inlcudes an ignition-required dog, but will run on Kibbles and Bits instead of petrol. Mileage will vary depending on the flavour of the dog food and the vehicle will have a top speed of 150 Mph, 200 Mph whilst pursuing postal vehicles.

Finally, the dog trend is transcending the car industry to the publishing industry, where author J.K. You-Know-Who has declared that the final installation of her Harry Potter series will be titled Harry Potter and Bimbo the Welsh Corgi. J.K. said that she made the decision to counter the immense popularity of "Flapjacks" in a rival series written by a Mr. Coconut.

Children Around the World Rejoice! Pajamawaffle is Back!!

As you might imagine, I receive a lot of mail from children around the world asking about my well-known children's books. As you might also guess, most of the letters and emails inquire about when I might resume my hugely-successful "Mr. Pajamawaffle" series. Well, I'm excited to announce that Pajamawaffle and his talking dog, Flapjack, are set to return in late spring 2007 in an exciting new mysterious and magical adventure. The title and plot are under tight wraps so all of my young fans will have to wait just a little longer. One little sneak peek I will reveal...the silly Turkish arms and opium dealer "Kerdogan" and his jet-pack flying penguin lieutenants do make a comic appearance. Rest assured that I think we'll be giving that young boy wizard and his friends a run for their money.

I would like to also seriously address the issue of my name. As I mentioned to Larry King last week- not on his television show, but in an airport restroom when he "accidentally" crashed my stall - Linus Coconut is my actual name. It is a proud family name - originating from the West Indies, and one I wear as a badge of honour. My father, Charles B. Coconut, and my mother Lucy (maiden name Van Pelt) raised me to always be truthful, so it goes against my very being to even consider writing under a pseudonym. None of my favorite writers, Samuel Langhorne Clemens or Theodor Geisel, ever did it and neither will I. The very thought offends me to my milky white core.

Until next time, yours truly
Linus Anderson Condoleeza Cooper Rice Coconut...the first

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Stew's as old as Jack Benny!!

That's right, our own Stew Miller is celebrating his 39th birthday today. Please feel free to send Stew any gifts, online certificates, etc. to help him commemorate his last birthday before he turns 39 for the second time next year.

Please do not include pictures of yourself (especially those kind) as they are upsetting to Mrs. Miller.

No, I'm not referring to you Zimpter. Those were quite tasteful.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

The real problem is the lard in some people's brains


New York City is going all out to protect your health, whether you want them to or not. The Mayor's administration is planning to ban trans-fatty acids in all foods inside the city, which of course means that millions of New Yorkers will soon be flocking to New Jersey for doughnuts, to avoid the healthful, bland, deadened taste of the monosaturated ones in the Big Apple.

Approved alternatives to the offending trans-fats are: cardboard, foam, marmite, polystyrene, shark fin, ibuprofen, and soy protein that has had all the flavour sucked out of it by radioactive mutant anteaters. Some people refer to this last option as "tofu."

The city plans to enforce this measure by fining restaurants and other eateries that rely upon the deadly, but highly tasty trans-fatty acids. If fines do not work, the Bloomberg Administration is purportedly prepared to take stronger measures, including, in order of severity: jail sentences, health sanctions and closures, waterboarding, flogging, red-hot pokers, burying offending cooks in Central Park up to their necks and releasing fire ants, forcing people to listen to the audio versions of Emeril Lagasse's books and/or the "music" of Ashley Simpson, and, if absolutely necessary, firing squads (and if absolutely, absolutely necessary, firing squads whilst the music of Ashley Simpson is played... "You make me want to [BANG!]").

The firing squads will use steel bullets to avoid lead poisoning in the condemned. After all, this is about our health, you know.

Monday, October 02, 2006

Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Wet...

...at least that's what some misguided, violence-prone fans of the late naturalist Steve Irwin seem to think. In response to Irwin's death, at the hands of or rather the tail spine of a stingray, several stingrays have been found dead and mutilated on Australia's East Coast.

Now, this sort of thing happens more often in the animal kingdom than most would care to admit. It's a well-known rumour that Lassie, after being viciously bitten by Cheetah the chimp in Tarzan vs. Lassie II, The Fleas, had a hit placed on Cheetah. Cheetah only escaped death by sending a note of heartfelt apology to Lassie, accompanied by 20 pounds of choice fillet steak.

Also, there are very sketchy reports that Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom's Jim Fowler had a yak disemboweled for daring to slobber on Marlon Perkins' new Italian boots.

Not surprisingly, many Aussie stingrays are confused, afraid, and being relatively low on the old IQ scale, nearly incomprehensible. I spoke to one briefly using a translator, Day of the Dolphin's Fa:

**********

Earl: What has been the response in the stingray community to these awful and malicious attacks?

Fa: Fa!!! Whee!!! Ray!!! Ta!!! Kee!!! Pa!!! Ta!!!!

Stingray: (gurgling noises)

Fa: Ga!!! Gee!!! Ha!!! Wee!!! Sa!!!

Earl: Won't violence begat more violence though? ...And can we really expect stingrays to develop thermonuclear weapons?

**********

As you can see, there is great frustration in the stingray world and in the small but busy community of dolphin translators. Steve Irwin himself would be distraught to find out that animals were being killed in his name for purposes not related to steak products. Hopefully, tensions will subside and the stingrays will not get their hands on weapons-grade uranium, because they'd probably blow themselves all up, stupid, slick little buggers that they are.