You mess with Harpo Marx, you get the horns.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Jackie Falls off the Wagon

Reportedly, world-renowed actor and insane stunt performer Jackie Chan disrupted a concert by Jonathan Lee, a Taiwanese singer, when he jumped onstage and attempted to perform a duet with Lee. Anyone who has seen Jackie sing War at the end of Rush Hour knows just how grating this would have been (though I personally blame Brett Ratner for that).

He then unsuccessfully attempted to conduct the band and followed this up with an exchange with members of the audience, presumably unrepeatable in this, a PG blog. Jackie also reportedly told the crowd he was drunk.

I have to wonder if he did all of this in Drunken Master kung-fu style?

Jackie was listed as a guest performer for the concert, so this may have been a big drunk act, the way Chaplin used to wander out of the box seats in vaudeville, pretending to be a drunken audience member, something akin to Teddy Kennedy at The Kennedy Center Honors...

If Jackie were really drunk and out of control, it probably would have gone down very differently... [Cue cliched dream/flashback effects]


Jonathan Lee (singing): Clowns never laughed before! Tulips never bloom... Hey, Jackie! What are you doing up here? Your bit isn't until the second half of the show.

Jackie Chan: I've been sipping the punch backstage. It's delightful!!

J.L.: Uh, oh... Jackie... the band always spikes that punch with vodka and tequila. Didn't you know that?

Jackie: That's strange... I thought it tasted like Red Bull!

J.L.: Well, you'll have to wait for your bit. I'm singing an old favourite.

Jackie: No, I want to do this song with you! I know all the words, and it reminds me of Marcia!

J.L.: Jackie, be reasonable...

(A security guard attempts to remove Jackie from the stage but Jackie grabs a mic stand, does a pirouhette with it, and slams it onto the guard's forehead, knocking him unconscious.)

J.L.: Jackie! Why did you do that? He was just trying to show you the way off stage!

Jackie: No more talk! Sing now! (singing, in a somewhat slurred way) Clowns never bathed before... Tulips in the dew...

J.L.: Jackie, those aren't the words!

(Another security guard attempts to escort Jackie offstage. Jackie runs over to the edge of the stage, propels himself off of a monitor, grabs a rope 15 feet high in the riggings, and swings across the stage, dropping a large sandbag on the guard's head. He does all of this without a break in his version of the song.)

Jackie: (still singing and swinging from the rope) Jack never jumped over the candlestick... (shouts) Marcia Brady, I love you!!

J.L.: Oh, Jackie...(shakes head)

Jackie: (leaping down from the rope and gesturing towards the band) C'mon lads... let's make this tune rock!

(Jackie attempts to conduct the band, signalling 3/4 time with his left hand and 4/4 with his right. The bass player trips and falls trying to follow this. The drummer throws up his hands in confusion, whacking himself in his own eye with one of the drumsticks.)

Jackie: No, no, that's all wrong! Give it some soul, man!

(Two dozen security guards rush out on to the stage and attempt to wrestle Jackie to the ground to carry him off stage. Jackie defeats them all, rendering them unconscious with his bare hands... and the use of one ladder, a bowling ball, a pair of wooden shoes, a unicycle, a bag of flour, a pool cue, a bulldozer, a revolving door, 3 bangers, a tuxedo, a giant novelty sheet of flypaper, the collected works of Dostoevsky, fifty McDonald's french fries [that's chips to all you in Islington - Cheerio], and a small pickel.)

Audience member: Jackie, you suck!

Jackie: (Something unintelligible containing at least one direct reference to the audience member's mother.)

Thursday, July 13, 2006

I wanna be, wanna be like... Ivanka? Why not me?

You may wonder what has been happening around the palatial DOUI offices in the last few days. Let me give you a short synopsis. Nuffy is in hiding to avoid Mark Northover's attorneys who have sent him a cease and desist order. I hate to tell them, but Nuffy has never ceased and desisted in anything for as long as I've known him. Please see here, here, here, and here. Earl disappeared shortly after the World Cup championship game. He said something about life not being worth it anymore and he'd see us again in four years. As for me I've been doing the usual, cleaning the commodes and playing hours of computer golf.

I did check in on what was happening in the Yahoo world as I am wont to do from time to time. Sadly, the most interesting thing was a trip that IvanKa Trump (yes, The Donald's progeny) took to Dubai and posted to the Yahoo travel area. Normally a piece like this would leave me quickly moving along to Yahoo Sports or even Yahoo Real Estate and as a last resort, Yahoo Yellow Pages. Today though, I was strangely drawn to this narcissistic rubbish because I have a deep-seated desire to be a part of the "jet set" myself. But where to begin? Since I don't have any experience "jet setting" I decided to follow in Ivanka's little bitty footsteps and take the whirlwind trip to Dubai. I have included below a posting that I will make to Yahoo Travel once I figure out how to do that.

My Trip to Dubai

Hi-dee-ho my frizzles,

Here I am back from my exciting trip to Dubai. Two words, heat and sand. Lots of sand. I'm still trying to get all of the sand out of my Speedo, and I didn't even get a chance to wear it. I can't say I had the bang up time that Ivanka did but she probably travels with a different crowd. Anyway it was an experience that I won't soon forget.

Enjoy! (I didn't)

Lounges and Bars

Bahri Bar
Where to find it: Mina A' Salam
Located at the Madinat Jumeirah Resort.

I really wanted to try this place out, Ivanka made it sound so appealing. I tried two times to get past the security but was stopped both times and given a application for employment. When I said I didn't want a job they told me that was the only way I was ever getting in. They do have a nice lobby and bowl of mints.

Lotus One
Where to find it:Ground Floor, Convention Tower

Had a little more luck here. Got to get in when I slipped the bouncer a twenty. Really nice place to unwind or "mellow out" as Ivanka put it. Does Ivanka Trump really need to "mellow out"? Anyhow, I did eventually get thrown out when I tried to order a Screaming Orgasm. Apparently my Urdu is not up to snuff and it turned into a rather ugly incident.

Where to find: Infidel Avenue, Dubai

Left with little option, I spent most of my time here drinking colorful drinks with little umbrellas in them. I also sat wondering why there were so many bars and lounges in a muslim country like Dubai, but I digress. The appetizers were good and I recommend the Jack Daniel's Sampler but be sure and get bleu cheese their ranch tastes funny over there.


Burj Al Arab

This is a spectacular hotel with a tremendous view of the Persian Gulf. I would also have to sell a kidney to afford to stay in the place. There were street vendors that would have provided this service but I decided I might need the kidney at some point in the future.

Dubai Motel 6

This is where I eventually found a reasonable room. I asked the clerk where Ivanka spends most of her time shopping and hanging out. He charged me for an extra person in my room. I don't know why. Anyway, Makmoud'll keep the light on for you.

A few ideas...

Dubai Post Office

It is a lovely post office and you can mail cards, letters, and other items. They'll even give you a free tour of the sorting and distribution nodes if you annoy them long enough. This and a history of the stamps of The Emirates is highly recommended.

Dubai International Airport

Whether it's lunch at McDonalds, coffee at Starbucks, Mongolian barbecue, or purchasing liquor in the duty free shop there is a lot to do and explore at the Dubai Airport. Still have to wonder about the whole liquor thing.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

The Right to Vote...For So-So Movies

What do Dolly Parton, Jake Gyllenhaal, and Werner Herzog all have in common? If you answered that they would all be participating in Herzog's upcoming sequel to The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas, entitled Brokeback Cathouse with Dolly playing the madam who used to be a madman, you are absolutely off-base, but thanks for playing!

No, this intrepid threesome (Not that kind of threesome) are new members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. Does this mean that they will all finally get to participate in in-depth academic investigations into the influence of Expressionism in modern American film, symposiums on the nature of mise-en-scene in the screwball comedy, and historical analyses of the way in which technology has altered the art of the cinema, from the Latham Loop to CGI?

Of course not, you silly people. That would require being a member of a real Academy! No, Dolly, Jake, and Werner, along with Dakota Fanning, Rachel Weisz, Felicity Huffman, Heath Ledger, Joaquin Phoenix, David Strathairn, Cathy Shulman, Bobby Moresco, Dario Marianelli, Mario Andretti, Al Unser, Les Ferdinand, Dame Edna, Paris Hilton, Sporty Spice, Triumph the Comic Insult Dog and a host of others now get to vote on the Oscars. Their deep and reflective insight into the cinema will now be utilized to make vastly more intelligent selections for the awards ceremony, rather than the old method, which consisted of Ernest Borgnine drawing selections out of one of Shelly Winters' old brassieres.

So, the quality of the Best Picture selections is bound to increase. Would Dolly disappoint us???

The untold story of this article is that these celebrated luminaries of the silver screen and Dollywood will now have access to all the secret and special privileges of the Oscar voting rolls. True, Dakota Fanning will not be able to take advantage of 90% of them, as she is still a minor, but the rest of these special rights will only increase the great respect these people already have for the noble and lucrative art of film and the immense power that being a well-known person in America can bring you, regardless of talent...right Paris?

I've listed a few of these perks below. Members of the Academy have the following rights and privileges:

  • Free parking at the Kodak Theater. There's nothing quite so entertaining as just pulling up and getting out while has-beens like Alan Alda and Richard Attenborough are digging around in their pockets for spare change to put in the metre.
  • The right to bump non-members from the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. This is really useful when you've got that one extra anecdote from the set, and Moby is backstage itching to go on. It's especially sweet when Joan or Melissa Rivers are booked on the show. "Didn't like the outfit I wore on the red carpet last year girls? Well, you can cool your heels in the Green Room all night."
  • Licence to kill. I'm not sure how they get away with this, but there is a rumour that on a set in 2003, Harvey Keitel snuffed a grip. When the police showed up to investigate, he just flashed his Academy ID and they retreated to a corner and curled up in fetal positions. One caveat: Academy members in good standing are not allowed to kill each other except in years when the international box office revenues are down.
  • Free date with Angelina Jolie. You didn't think she and Billy Bob Thorton hooked up a few years ago just because they like each other, did you? Heterosexual women and gay men are allowed the alternative of a free day spa in Monaco, but only because George Clooney wouldn't play along.
  • All the drugs and alcohol you can handle. You can lose this privilege if you go too far. Just ask Robert Downey Jr., who is now only allow Shirley Temples and Baby Asprin at the post-Oscar parties. He's such a maniac, they won't even serve him Red Bull any more.
  • Automatic 100-yard restraining order on Michael Jackson. Just in case. A wise celebrity never takes chances.
  • Free "Sleep with me, I'm in Show-Biz" t-shirt. Comes with your choice of pictures: Charles Chaplin (Silent era), Errol Flynn (Classic era), Bob Crane (TV Crossover), Slim Pickens (Bizarro), or Paris Hilton (B-Movies).
  • Free public appearances with Elizabeth Taylor. This comes in really handy when you need to look like the "sane one." Rumour has it that she and Tom Cruise will be going on an extended tour soon, to try and rehabilitate his image.
  • 10 year's supply of caviar, lobster, champagne, and filets. This is just to cover things in case Academy members visit one another. There's nothing more dispiriting than a big-time movie star dropping in for a dinner of bean sprouts and extra-dry tofu, because the host just went vegan. This is renewable if your average box-office stays above 7 digits.
  • A Hummer. Just like Ah-nold's
  • The Governorship of California. Only one person can claim this privilege at a time, though.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

The Fever Has Subsided...

...World Cup Fever that is.

The cure was not a victory by Italy, though we congratulate the Azzuri on their success, regardless of the Golden Bear acting prizes they might have deserved on the way.

The cure was not Zinadine Zidane's temporary insanity in head-butting Italian defender Materazzi (Whom American non-fans of soccer are even now referring to as Maserati, as in, "Did you hear how that crazy French player Zadine head butted a Maserati? Those foreign goobers don't know real sports like baseball and football! Now, pass me my creatine and steroid milkshake, will you?"). No, Zizou's lunacy in giving the Italian just what he wanted (Why else would an Italian defender of mediocre reputation suggest that one of the world's greatest players mothers was a terrorist prostitute to said player's face?) by striking him was disheartening, but not completely unexpected from a fellow who was sent off and suspended for 2 games in 1998 for stomping on a Saudi Arabian. The only thing that might have surprised us is if Zidane had turned to Wayne Rooney and said in Darth Vader's voice: "Wayne, I am your father!"

No, the cure is that it's over. There's no point in keeping the fever alight when all the matches are done.

Many people are saying that this World Cup was relatively disappointing on the playing field, with all the cynical diving and "simulation" (Referring to players who, after getting grased on the toe, grab their faces and writhe around as though someone had just maced them). That's a fair point.

However, it was rather thrilling to see waves of Germans, happily celebrating something other than Hitler's staff car arriving at Nuremburg. The Germans earned their day in the sun, despite the shady way in which the World Cup arrived at Germany (When an New Zealand representative of the Oceania confederation declined to vote as instructed for South Africa, later saying that he did so because of the enormous pressures on him to vote for Germany, forgetting that his vote was supposed to have already been decided for South Africa and that by decling to vote, he paved the way for the German victory... He of course completely denied being bought off and FIFA duly conducted their usual in-depth examination of the whole affair, which I suspect is to say that everyone had a Cuban cigar and said, "What a shame." This was likely followed by the ritual glass of Sherry, followed by the surreptitious shot of Cognac, and then everyone went home to their mistresses. I'm just guessing though.)

Where was I? Ah yes, despite the extremely shady way in which Germany was awarded the Cup, the Organizers and fans made it a splended experience, even for us viewers back here in the States. The fans waved flags, happily greeted everyone with smiles and copious amounts of lager, and most everyone, except Cristiano Ronaldo, had a good time.

Now, I'm working on a good case of World Cup 2010 Fever. I've already got the early symptoms: Wondering how much tickets to South Africa are and whether Freddy Adu will play midfielder or striker for the Americans.