You mess with Harpo Marx, you get the horns.

Friday, July 24, 2009

News Regarding Our Kitty Overlords

According to*, cats control humans.

It took them this long to work that out? I've known for years that humans are the willing puppets of cats. What other animal can spend the majority of their time bringing dead rodents into the house, shredding the furniture with their claws, racing around wild-eyed after imbibing herbs, ambushing children, boxing other family pets, destroying household plants, get themselves stuck in trees, stink up the house with a poop box, and at the end of the day still get called "Sweetums" by their bamboozled human caretakers?

They do it by hypnotizing us with their lunatic antics. See this for example.

Madness? Of course, but people fall for it every time. When funny cat videos appear on telly at our home, the missus and the Littlest Fando immediately perk up in anticipation of comical deranged feline behaviour, and I, dupe that I am, do the same. Then, later on when I see a cat on the street, even though I know that it is a clawed, fanged creature with a brain equivalent to a psychopath on crack cocaine, the first words out of my mouth are, "Good kitty, kitty, kitty!"

We repeat the words because of the hypnosis.

No, it's only a matter of time before cats achieve some semblance of their dream world, where dogs are enslaved and human beings are mental jello before their tiny, furry, razor-sharp feet. We'll be serving them dishes of gourmet fishy pate and scratching their every itch, and... waitaminute. That's already happening, isn't it?

Obviously, the aliens over at have got nothing on cats.

What can we do to prevent this fiendish plot from coming to fruition? Empower dogs, protect fish, spaying and neutering, rolled-up newspapers, tasers, bazookas, air to surface missiles? The cats will simply dodge all these in highly amusing fashion.

No, our only choice is subterfuge, primarily through invective. Call a cat an idiot today. It will not only be true, but it might save you from years of servitude to these brain-dead, fluffy, bouncy, cute as a button... Good kitty, kitty, kitty!

As you can see, we have quite a task before us.

*As opposed to where they've got a lovely write-up today on the relationship between the four humours and theraputic bleeding. Unfortunately, there's no link, as their steam-powered server is down again.

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Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Matt Damon, Man of a Thousand Activities

Last night, one of the big trending Twitter topics was "#whatsmattdamondoing." Numerous "Sarah Silverman" (nutter) jokes abounded. My own contributions were slightly more whismical.
So, What's Matt Damon Doing?

  • Approving titles for the next Bourne film. Leading candidate: The Bourne Hip Replacement.
  • Laps in a pool full of Jello... just to show he can.
  • Bowling with President Obama. He's two pins ahead in the fifth frame.
  • The Macarena... again.
  • Building the biggest damn sandwich you've ever seen.
  • Recreating the castle set from the Princess Bride out of legos. The hard part is getting Prince Humperdinck right.
  • Jazzercise to the sweet, sweet music of Jennifer Lopez. Take that, Affleck!
  • Arranging his collection of unfinished Rubik's Cubes.
  • Riding a unicycle, whilst eating with chopsticks. You try it.
  • Dancing with kangaroos and getting the crap kicked out of him.
  • Watching yet another marathon of Jon and Kate Plus 8, now that Kate is a free woman.
  • Pilates, followed by vigorous wretching.
  • Watching the #whatsbenaffleckdoing people desperately flail around.
  • Building a box girder bridge out of frankfurters.
  • Humming the theme to Sesame Street, curled in a fetal ball.
  • Designing a new fragrance called "Clooney's Friends"
  • Contemplating having his jaw resquared.
  • Having a conniption.
  • Thinking that if he were Jason Bourne, he could easily kill all the people playing #whatsmattdamondoing
  • Thinking that Chuck Norris doesn't have to put up with this crap.
  • His 2009 taxes hand!
  • 1000 squat thrusts and a bottle of tequila before calling it a day.

Seems like a busy guy.

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Monday, July 20, 2009

Watch Out, That Wiener's Out of Control!

The Oscar Mayer Wienermobile goes on the rampage, crashing through a home.

The picture in the linked article speaks for itself, but I have to pass along the money quote from the article:

"While trying to get turned around, the woman driving the hot dog on wheels accidentally hit the gas instead of the brake"

I wish I had a dime for everytime on earth that's happened.*

*Yes, that was in reference to a euphemism.

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