Valentine's Day Advice Worth Ignoring
Well, Valentine's Day has come and gone and I hope yours was a lovely one. Mrs. Fando got a dozen red roses and the Littlest Fando got a balloon and more stash for her Ferrer Roche addiction. For those of you whose V-Day didn't go so well (and this includes the three noisy frat boys who made our TGIF dinner more unpleasant than it should have been with their boisterous conversation about the noises one of their dates liked to make*) it could have been worse.
How you ask? Well, you could have read USA Today's Life section on Friday and taken seriously the copious amounts of romantic advice they printed. Advice from psychologists? Marriage counselors? clergy? Amateurs. USA Today gave us advice from the stars of the new movie Valentine's Day**
"My kid goes to bed at 7 p.m., but I'm usually too tired, unfortunately. We're pretty spontaneous." - Jessica Alba
I'm confused. Jessica's too tired, but they're spontaneous? Spontaneous naps, maybe?
"Romance is romance, but in addition, romance can happen at breakfast over the tops of our heads." - Jennifer Garner
1) Romance is romance? Deep. No wonder I didn't get Elektra.
2) I don't think we're going to want to eat those bowls of Corn Flakes on the table, now.
"Everyone wants to receive love, but at the end of the day you don't start to get it until you give it. If you want the drug, you have to give the drug." - Ashton Kutcher
"Love is a drug, and it makes you feel all tingly and crazy inside. Find that pusher that makes it work." - Julia Roberts
So, being in love is like being a drug addict and/or drug pusher. I wonder which wing of the Betty Ford clinic handles these cases? Also, does this mean that the song Love Shack was about a crack house?
"Coming from a long line of Valentine's Days and also a long line of partners, I'd say that the key to a good relationship if you're married is a husband who looks the other way." - Shirley MacLaine
Given that MacLaine's husband of 33 years spent about 20 years of that time in Japan, I'd say he went to extremes to "look the other way." Maybe she was referring to one of her "past lives" partners, in which case she's been married more than Elizabeth Taylor and Johnny Carson, combined. Perhaps we should look the other way when getting marriage advice from Shirley. It could be worse though. We could be getting abstinence advice from her brother, Warren Beatty.
*This was a step down even from the two elderly couples previously occupying the booth, who ended their conversation with remarks about staph infections.
** Aptly named, as that is about how long it will last in theaters, given the reviews.