You mess with Harpo Marx, you get the horns.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

A very Happy Easter and Passover to all...

...As you may have guessed, we're on a bit of a holiday at the moment. Normal transmissions will resume either later on Easter day or Monday. God bless all of you!

Oh, and try and not to eat too much choc'ies, will you? They'll just make you break out, and it's hard to laugh as much when you've gone all spotty.



Thursday, April 13, 2006

Being a ninja isn't easy.

At least that's what one would be Georgia Bulldog ninja found out as he left a college "Pirates vs. Ninjas" party. The feds nabbed him.

According to the Fox News story, University of Georgia student Jeremiah Ransom was jogging on his way to a school cafeteria when Federal Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearm agents noticed the masked, black-robed, would-be ninjitsu practicioner running through the campus. The agents apparently even shouted "Freeze!", which quite frankly wouldn't have worked against a real ninja, as they tend to speak Japanese. The guns the agents were waving around definitely caught this ninja's attention though. I wouldn't be surprised if the black sweatpants Ransom was wearing were a bit damp about the middle, if you catch my meaning.

Now, I know what you're thinking. Why was a Fox News story about a Georgia ninja filed as being from Tacoma, Washington? Well, isn't this how ninjas operate? One moment they're skulking across the campus of a major southern university and the next moment they're climbing the walls of a Pacific coast city. They're tricky little bastards.

That's probably why the ATF was on campus in the first place. What else would they be there for, bootlegged cigarettes? Too many keggers? Someone caching bazookas in their dorm room?

Where the ATF really messed up is on the pirates. Not one report of a pirate arrest was noted. You'd think they be easier to catch than ninjas, what with the peglegs and the fact that Athens, where the University of Georgia is located, is landlocked. I mean, what are they going to do, sail away up Sandy Creek?

Pirates can't hide the way ninjas do either. The eyepatches make it difficult to manoeuvre through bushes and foilage, and even if they successfully navigate this, the bloody parrot squawking gives them away.

They would have found loads more alcohol with the pirates as well. They were sure to find rum, brandy, tequila, rum, whiskey, schnapps, rum, creme de menthe, triple sec, rum, Grand Marnier, sweet vermouth, coolers, Budweiser, Miller Lite, rum, Bass Ale, rum, Fat Tire, rum, rum, rum, scotch, rum (Pirates really like rum!), rum, rum, Coors, Watney's Red Barrel, rum, Red Stripe, rum, Bailey's Irish Cream, rum, Guinness, and vodka.

Let's face it. They went after the ninja because ninjas are much cooler. How many federal investigators want to get back to the office and explain how they got a scar from someone's hook? It all sounds so S&M. Even worse, imagine the agent who has to explain how they were savaged by some scurvy blighter's Blue Gold Macaw.

No, better to show up with a dazzling katana wound, having just dodged a hail of poisoned throwing stars. Come to think of it, when the ATF blokes found out it was just a university student, I suspect they were quite disappointed.

"Shall we go and get the pirates, Bob?"

"Nah, Joe... what's the point of doing that now. They're probably all drunk and asleep anyway. Man, I thought that kid was a ninja!"

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Wait a minute...did you say "The Masters?!?!"

I just realised we haven't said a single smart-arsed thing about Augusta National's showcase tournament this week. Our brains were only melted to the telly by the dramatics the entire weekend.

At the finish, a very nice bloke with a gangster's nickname ("Lefty") won the whole thing. Blokes nicknamed "Tiger", "The Big Easy", "Freddie", "Rocky", and the most outlandish of the bunch, "Retief" fell behind, in all likelihood wary that Lefty wasn't just carrying a lob wedge in his violincello case.

Chagrined at my negligence in covering all this sooner, I rang up Augusta National Chairman Hootie and the Blowfish Johnson. (Yes, I realise that people have made that joke hundreds of times, but how can you not laugh at someone named "Johnson.") Anyway, using my powerful skills of persuasion, I was able to convince the Hootster to sit down for a short chat in historic Butler Cabin.

Earl: Good of you to speak with me Hootie.

Hootie: Anything for a friend of Tiger.

Earl: Erm... right... I'll tell him and Ellie you said hello.

Hootie: Isn't her name Elin?

Earl: Erm... she changed it. She thought Elin Woods sounded a bit too much like a department store.

Hootie: (Laughing) Those Swedes! As unpredictable as an Amen Corner breeze...and hootchie mama hot!

Earl: Yes, quite. Anyway Hootie, how do you feel the tournament went this year?

Hootie: Earl, once again the members of Augusta National Golf Club were proud and honored to welcome the world's finest players to our course and to continue the finest tradition in golf, The Mas... (Hootie goes on with The Masters boilerplate speech for another 15 minutes - I down several glasses of highly caffienated sweet tea to keep from going into a coma.) ...and Phil is once again a deserving and upstanding champion.

Earl: Right. Well said... I suppose. I lost you at the part about how Bobby Jones shaped the 16th green with his bare hands while Cliff Roberts lashed him with a hickory shafted mashie niblick.

Hootie: (Laughs) Tiger always falls asleep at that part too!

Earl: You don't say. Let's go on, as I have a couple of more questions. First, I was wondering whether there were any problems in hosting the tournament this weekend.

Hootie: What did you say?

Earl: Did you have any problems... Was there anything that went wrong?

(A siren sounds in the distance.)

Hootie: I wish you hadn't asked me that.

(Voices can be heard shouting in the distance. Some of the shouts are screams. The sound of guard dogs, probably Dobermans, can be heard as well. Aeroplanes and helicopters fly closely overhead. Gunfire crackles over the grounds. CBS's Jim Nantz walks in and paces angrily in the background with a baseball bat. Slowly a large metallic cage rises up around the three of us.)

Hootie: I really, really wish you hadn't asked me that.

Earl: Erm, you mean the question about how you are all able to pull off the greatest tournament in golf without a single, solitary problem year after year?

(The sounds fade away immediately. The planes and copters vanish, Nantz flashes an unnaturally white smile and departs, and the cage sinks into the ground like Rocco Mediate's 2nd shot into Rae's Creek at Number 12 in the last round on Sunday.)

Hootie: Nice save.

Earl: Thanks. The cage thingy was quite impressive, though.

Hootie: We had it put in, just in case Daly wins one of these years.

Earl: I should have guessed from the built-in ashtrays.

Hootie: What was your other question?

Earl: Any chance I could get a membership here?

Hootie: Want me to call back the dogs?

Monday, April 10, 2006

Some quick answers for Stew in reverse order...

Most pathetic?

10. Thomas Dolby
9. Kevin Federline
8. Kevin Federline stealing melodies from Thomas Dolby
7. Kevin Federline stealing melodies from M.C. Hammer stealing melodies from Rick James stealing melodies from Paul Williams (admittedly theoretical)
6. Brittney Spears bearing Kevin Federline's child, or reproducing at all for that matter
5. The idea that Oprah will be on 26 years from now (Now, Oprah, we love you but Seinfeld didn't run that long...)
4. Thomas Dolby getting any sort of press whatsoever these days.
3. Katie Holmes' common sense
2. The idea that someone can't say the word "push" during childbirth. I suppose they use hand signals like cyclists, or maybe French, like that scene in The Big Red One?
1. Anne Archer's cerebal cortex

Bonus list: I think a really good practical joke during the TomKat "silent birth" would be to stand outside the top secret location with a megaphone and shout the following phrases. If, as Scientologists contend, the child is affected by words said or screamed during childbirth, these would have the added benefit of mentally preparing the child for their future life with their two looney bird parents.

10. "Dianetics? Wasn't that Jane Fonda's exercise program?"
9. "Mission Impossible 3 sucks like a Theatan energy field!"
8. "Daddy, how come I can't bounce on the couch but you do it all the time?"
7. "Mommy will get custody in the breakup, for what it's worth!"
6. "Avoid the Kool Aid!"
5. (With apologies to Bill Cosby, from whom this is quoted) "Push 'em out, push 'em out, waaaay out!"
4. "Hey! There's a spaceship landing out here!! Never's for Farrakan!"
3. (Sung)"YMCA! It's fun to be at the YMCA!"
2. "Somebody normal adopt me!! Where's Trump when you need him?"
1. "I want to go to boarding school!!"

Masters fog slowly lifting

I didn't want to make Earl out to be a liar, which he isn't (at least that's what he told me), so I decided to chime in before the day was over. Now that Lefty has stashed away another million in winnings and a green jacket, I can proceed on with my life which has absolutely nothing to do with a million dollars or anything more than a green t-shirt that proudly states "Nothing runs like a Deere". Anyhow, today I have a different sort of dilemma brought upon me by the Yahoo entertainment section. Two plum topics are listed on their front page, the first being Thomas Dolby claiming that the incomparably lame Kevin Federline (or K-fed as the even more lame know him) has sampled his 80's hit 'She Blinded Me with Science' on his new album and the second being TOMKAT's announcment that their childs birth will be "silent". I would write about the first one but I can't decide what is more pathetic; Kevin Federline stealing melodies from Thomas Dolby, Thomas Dolby himself, or Kevin Federline himself. Perhaps Earl might have a way to attack that one.

The second article and the one that caught my eye is the silent birth nonsense brought to us by the couch jumper and his latest acolyte. The offbeat couple is receiving praise from fellow Scientologists for their desire to have their child in silence. Anyone who has had a child knows that the only way that would be possible is large doses of morphine. One of the more interesting quotes from the article came from Anne Archer:

"Everything that happens around you is still recorded just below one's consciousness level and words in particular; shouting things like 'push, push'; can sometimes have an adverse effect later in life," she said.

How might this affect young master Tomkat L. Ron Holmes Cruise?

The Oprah Winfrey Show - transcript

Apr. 21, 2032

Oprah: Hello dearies, old Oprah here again to bring you the latest? Our first guest today is the son of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, who were lost at sea those many years ago while traveling on the "Freewinds" cruise ship. Welcome, Tomkat Cruise.

Tomkat: Thanks Oprah, it's good to be here.

Oprah: Tommy, you look just like your daddy. Ooo girl he sure was handsome. I'd let him jump on my couches anyday, what do you say ladies?


Oprah: Anyway, Tommy what do you think happened to your parents?

Tomkat: Well Oprah, I think when push came to shove, he was taken out by the anti-Scientologist movement started by Trey Parker and Matt Stone, the two pushy animators.

Oprah: You mean when the great War of Enlightenment occurred?

Tomkat: That's right, when the followers of L. Ron Hubbard and our Kabbalah believing brothers took up arms against those who would oppress us and push mind-altering drugs on us.

Oprah: How have you overcome their loss?

Tomkat: (now jumping on the couch) Well, I have used many different methods to push their memories to a neutral corner of my brain allowing me to remember the good times we shared. It's really pushing the envelope Oprah.

Oprah: Do you have anything you'd like to share with our audience?

Tomkat: Yeah, in a few days I'm going to make the push to Los Angeles and meet with President Madonna and the Secretary of Enlightenment. We hope to start pushing our plans to launch the Freewinds 3 shuttle to Hubbard Moonbase as soon as possible.

Oprah: Thanks for the update Tomkat and tell Mr. Travolta I said hi. Goodnight and all hail to the Thetan movement.

I think I might try and push, push the thought out of my head now.

Where have we been?

Sorry about the dearth of posting this weekend. Mainly, Stew and I were enthralled by The Masters to the point to where it was difficult to make our fingers move in a manner that didn't resemble holding a golf club, a posture not well suited for typing blog entries or, in my case, golf itself.

I did see Stew on two seperate occasions during the weekend and both times our conversations resided around either church business (they were church events, we're not just theocratic policy wonks) and golf. We probably shouldn't have hit pitch shots from the lobby though. That was a bit careless.

The funny thing is that I don't think I've played a round this year yet. As Mrs. Fando's birthday is this weekend, that will probably not happen for another couple of weeks. I should be right bonkers by then, to the point of endlessly repeating my swing in front of the bathroom mirror and shouting "Fore!" anytime our dog (who hates me) runs through the room. I'm not sure why I'd do this as our dog resembles a golf ball about as much as Bill Clinton resembles Sir Galahad, the Chaste.

Anyway, I'm back and I expect Stew will be chiming in today or tomorrow. I should have something up this evening hopefully, if anyone cares. If you don't care, then send us a line and we can argue about it. I love a good debate.