You mess with Harpo Marx, you get the horns.

Monday, March 08, 2010

Still Here

Really dark. Cold. I heard someone walking around about an hour ago. It was just Lane "The Vein" Hardwick. He says he got lost on the way out. I don't know. I'm starting to think this really isn't intermission. Maybe they cancelled the second half of the Academy Awards? Is that possible? Did Jack Nicholson get past Steve Brule and lacerate Alec Baldwin's cheeks, forehead, upper arms, torso and navel-area? Seems like the only real possibility at this point.

So I guess there was no Best Picture this year? Well, in a way, that's good. I mean, they didn't even nominate Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel. I think I'll just find a nice, warm nook somewhere backstage and bed down for the night. I found one of John's Travolta's hairpieces. It was crawling around under the seats, eating nacho crumbs and cheese stains. I'll use it for a blanket. It's bigger than you might think.

Alec Baldwin, if you're reading this, please come back and unlock the door. Please. I'm not sweaty anymore. I promise. Please. Just unlock the door. You don't even have to look at me or talk to me. I'm sorry for all of those things I said about your weight gain and B.O.


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Sunday, March 07, 2010


Some old guy is sweeping up the balcony. They turned most of the lights off. I thought that was the five minute warning, so people would know to come back in from the lobby. Boy George left half his pants laying in the aisle.

Okay...laptop battery getting really warm on my thighs, too warm. So much sweat. Er...


Ah, well. I got nowhere to go. I can wait it out. You hear me, Alec Baldwin? I CAN WAIT IT OUT!!!!!


Finally got back to my seat in the third balcony. Where is everyone? It must be intermission. The show can't possibly be over. It's only 9:05pm Pacific Standard Time. There's gotta be at least three more hours of this titillating wonderfest.

All I see are some nacho crumbs and cheese stains on the seat in front of me. The sour smell of Edward G. Robinson III still lingers in the air, so he can't have left here too long ago.

Oh well, I'll just wait around until someone shows up again. I want to see Avatar win for Best Supporting Motion Picture. It's gots to win, right? They went all the way to another planet to film it. How can you not reward that bold fresh approach?

I'm so terribly sweaty.

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Crap! Sorry for the mild profanity. Li'l Bo Bradley showed up again with his posse, so I had to make a hasty retreat. That man has "gats" and "nines" and such. I can't tangle with him. I guess he had just left his seat to go buy a funnel cake in the lobby. He just made eye contact with me, and I saw 187 in his glassy corneas. So I'm hiding out here in the bathroom. I can hear cheering from the theater. What am I missing? Dagnab and doggone. Sorry, more mild profanity. Can't help it. So sweaty.

Jack Nicholson was just in here, pinching a loaf. The man's excreta smells like death and scabs. Ick! Get me out of here. I'll try to sneak back into the balcony in a moment. Give Li'l Bo Bradley time to dig into that funnel cake and forget about the 187.

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Please Remember Mark!

I cannot believe my ear wax coated ear canals. They had another one of those touching montages about all the people in Hollywood who have died, and not one mention of Mark Northover. The Hollywood Elite continue to pretend like the guy never existed. Disgusting and sad. You would think that George Lucas would petition somebody to make it happen. After all, Mark Northover played Burglekutt in Lucas's magnum opus "Willow." Well, I'm not gonna forget him. HOLLYWEIRD, you can't make me forget Mark Northover!

Oh well. Time for dance numbers. Lane "The Vein" Hardwick is beat-boxing under his breath at the interpretive Up dance with that robot guy. Jack Nicholson is cursing at Ally Sheedy again. He does not like Ally Sheedy for some reason.

Sorry for all the name dropping. I can't help it. I am here, people, "in the midst" as they say, and it is Five Times Better than watching it on a flat screen in grandpa's den.

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MOE NEEK!!!! *faint*

Mo'nique just won for worst motion picture mother of the new millenium. Jack Nicholson is out of his seat. I'm telling you! Steve Brule had to get up and restrain him. I think he wants to leap up on stage and punch Mo'nique in the eye, face, head and stomach. Can you believe that? So scandalous and awful. This is the seethingest Oscars of all time. In other news, Li'l Bo Bradley never came back. I got his seat. I am now sitting next to Lane "The Vein" Hardwick (actor turned rap star).

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Up just won the award for best really sad movie about everyone who died and the old man who was alone forever. It deserved it. It really did. I watched that movie, and when everyone died on that poor old man, and he went to court, my heart sailed up to the lonely clouds, turned into rain, and fell into the ocean forever. It was that sad. At least this award will comfort the old man as he flies his zeppelin to the ends of the earth.

Jack Nicholson, oh my crap and butter. They just cut to a medium shot of Jack, and he is not happy that Up won. Seething. He's got a big ole vein popping out on his neck and forehead and upper lip. I'll bet he punches someone right in their stupid dumb mouth before the show is over.

In other news, Boy George is loudly (and I mean loudly!) eating a bowl of nachos. For Carl's sake, Boy, your jalapeno breath and the cheese stains on your fingers are the worst. I can't even pay attention to Anne Hathaway's luxuriant hair and face with all of your stains and smells. I need to change seats ASAP. Li'l Bo Bradley (rap star turned actor) just got up from his seat on the ninth row. Think I'll sneak down and snag the seat.

Be right back, Blog Buddies.

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Hurt Locker just won for best original screenplay based on a script. My jaw fell right open, detached, crumbled into my lap like a burst bag of peanuts, and the blood came out like water. That's how stunned I am. The Hurt Locker, of all movies. It's about lockers and bombs, people, seriously. Seriously! STAB!

Ooh, they just cut to a close-up of Jack Nicholson. He is not happy that the Hurt Locker won. He is seething. Look at his teeth, his yellow yellow teeth. Not happy. Ooh, he's got an open sore on his left eye. The acid of his anger is seeping through his skin. Not happy.

This has got to be the craziest Oscar show I've ever seen, and I'm stuck way back in the third balcony, behind Boy George and Edward G. Robinson III (who smells bad, by the way. Onions or something. Maybe feet. Yeah, probably feet).

Okay, time for a song and dance number. Ton Hanks and Dwight Yoakam dressed as containers of cottage cheese. Liza Minelli montage. Lots of tears being shed.

It's all too touching. I can't type this out on my Palm Pixi right now. Need a napkin to dab my face and throat.

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Five Times Better Live Blog

Ladies and People, it's time to LIVE BLOG the OSCARS with your host Nuffy Sarge Noe, and his sidekick Albert "Bum" Edwards. Let's kick this off with a brief description of the lovely costumes being worn by tonight's super-duper-stars!

Tom Cruise - Love the hat! YES, finally a genuine stud-monkey is bringing back the pork pie hat. It's about time. Buster Keaton is smiling up at you from the third circle of Purgatory (don't worry, he's only got three centuries to go down there).

Zach Galifianakis - HOLY CROW COWS! Zach is wearing Oscar de la Renta's sequined beard-belt. Dazzling. A sparkling wonderland of chin glory. He just kissed Mini-Me on the back of the neck.

Tatum O'Neil - Hollywood's youngest hipster. Tatum O'Neil just got out of the limo, staggered over to a lamppost, and puked on Martin Short's shorts. But she's looking stunning...I mean, stunned. Love the pageboy haircut. PAGING THE BERRIES AND CREAM KID!

Thanks, Berries and Cream Kid. As always, love the hair, and the madman eyes.

Well, I'd better finish my lard and crackling and head inside the Kodak Theater for the presentation. I might be running a tad late. By pants split right up the back again. Ninth time this week. Polyester is not my friend. Neither is size 32.

More in just a minute.

Live Tweeting the Oscars

As longtime readers of this blog know, in the past we've live blogged the event.  Unfortunately, Blogger's "security" settings locked us out of our own blog one year, because we were posting so regularly it interpreted the posts as spam. Because, no one would actually do something so strange as live-blog a global event, right?

I have no idea if the "security" setting has ever been corrected by Blogger. (They never responded to the several e-mails I sent them.  I think their support department is currently being manned by gibbons and chipmunks.) So, tonight I will be joining the throngs of Twits on Twitter offering our various takes on this most excessive of Hollywood celebrations.

I'll be @earlfando if you want the silly point of view. I feel that perspective best fits the event. I've no idea if Stew or Nuffy will be on.  If @cakeyclown shows up, you can get the angry, demented clown point of view, which is very, very close to that of many of the actual Oscar participants.

Hope to see you there!

Update: Stew is tweeting also.  It's an Oscar Party!

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Oscar Predictions

With the Oscars coming up tomorrow, it's time for some predictions. I leave the prognostications of award winners to the so-called experts and pretty much every other human being with a blog, Twitter account, or E! television program. Instead, here are a few educated* guesses as to some of the shennanigans we'll see tomorrow night, as well as a few things behind the scenes.

  • Jack Nicholoson will have a front row seat for the proceedings, as usual.  Also, as usual, he won't be able to see a thing through his sunglasses but will smile sardonically at every mention of his name.
  • Co-host Alec Balwin will find some way to plug 30 Rock, his guest appearances on NBC's The Marriage Ref, his next five Saturday Night Live hosting gigs, and his upcoming Huffington Post article detailing how his marriage to Kim Basinger was destroyed by a pact between Mephistopheles and former Vice-President Dick Cheney.
  • Co-Host Steve Martin will ban all references to his Pink Panther films. Any failure to adhere to this rule will be punished by locking the offender in a room and forcing them to watch both of them.
  • At least one of the red carpet interviewers injure their tongue licking the stilettos of a nominated actress. At least one other will do the "we're not worthy" bow to someone other than Mike Myers.
  • During the opening monologue, for every celebrity that appears happy to be mentioned by the hosts there will be another with a look on their face that says, "Just move on to the next joke if you ever want to work in one of my films again."
  • The Oscar commercials will get higher ratings than the red carpet show ...and better critical reviews.
  • The opening musical number will be based on the themes of Avatar, District 9, and Inglourious Basterds, and will end with Alec Baldwin swinging from a wire, in blue makeup, with antenna, and dressed as a Nazi.** It will receive a standing ovation.
  • The cameraperson responsible for closeups of actresses will get whiplash going back and forth between Sandra Bullock and Meryl Streep. However, the un-nominated Julia Roberts will appear on camera more often than both of them.
  • Someone will joke that Jack Nicholson's sunglasses are 3D glasses from viewing Avatar.  Later, Jack will dunk their head in the caviar vat at Wolfgang Puck's post-show party and bacchanal.
  • At least 12 winners will feign looks of surprise. 5 looks of surprise will be geniune, but in at least one case it will be because the winner mistakenly heard someone else's name called out.
  • There will be a 10 second delay in place, in case Quentin Tarantino wins an award.
  • One of the awards will be co-presented by Quinton Aaron, the gigantic actor from The Blind Side, and Mickey Rooney. The audience will only see Aaron's torso and Rooney's scalp.
  • No one will openly ask why Up is nominated for both Best Animated Feature and Best Picture.
  • The recipient for Best Foreign Language Film will deliver a speech of which 98% of English speakers will not understand a word beyond, "Thank you."
  • The house orchestra will play off at least seven awards winners.  This will not apply to the acting awards and the Best Picture award. During those speeches, the conductor will have his baton taken away and snapped in half, just to be safe.
  • If asked, only 10% of the red carpet participants will be able to tell you what book the film Precious: Based on the Novel "Push" by Sapphire was based on. Of the 10% who can, at least three of them will proclaim their amazement that a novel was written by an inanimate gem.
  • At least one award winner will taking up all the time of their co-winners with his or her thank you speech. Backstage, the co-winners will make their own thank you speech: "Thank you for ruining my $%#*! moment, jackass!"
  • 80% of the television auidence and 75% of the nominees will take a bathroom break during the documentary awards. This will not include me, as I normally do that during the musical numbers.
  • Sacha Baron Cohen will sneak onto the show and appear as a nude Na'vi who attempts to engage Alec Baldwin in a wrestling match. Baldwin will almost take the bait, until he realizes Cohen is not a female.
  • The "In Memoriam" segment of the show will garner large amounts of applause, several tears, and at quite a few mutterings of "I remember them from that kids' film they did."
  • At least one of the commericials tonight will feature either a gecko or a caveman. However, this is true of every American television broadcast since May 12, 2004.
  • Beyonce will appear prominently in at least three of the Best Original Song performances, even if she's not actually performing in them.
  • The presenters for Best Art Direction will speak about the category with more passion than they ever have in their lives.  Twenty minutes later, neither of them will be able to recall from memory who actually won.
  • Commercials containing the lines "an Academy Award winning film" will appear before the Oscars show is over. It won't matter in which category the award is given.
  • The show will be gaudier than a Super Bowl halftime program starring Elton John. (Easiest prediction of the night, every year)
  • Sean Penn will make at least four derogatory references to George W. Bush while presenting Best Costume Design. His co-presenter will shift his or her feet and nervously look away during these moments.
  • None of the award recipients will utter the words "I don't deserve this."
 *I'm a college graduate after all.
**OK, this is a wild guess, but would be an improvement on the last few Oscar openings.