It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Sunday, March 07, 2010

Oscar Predictions

With the Oscars coming up tomorrow, it's time for some predictions. I leave the prognostications of award winners to the so-called experts and pretty much every other human being with a blog, Twitter account, or E! television program. Instead, here are a few educated* guesses as to some of the shennanigans we'll see tomorrow night, as well as a few things behind the scenes.

  • Jack Nicholoson will have a front row seat for the proceedings, as usual.  Also, as usual, he won't be able to see a thing through his sunglasses but will smile sardonically at every mention of his name.
  • Co-host Alec Balwin will find some way to plug 30 Rock, his guest appearances on NBC's The Marriage Ref, his next five Saturday Night Live hosting gigs, and his upcoming Huffington Post article detailing how his marriage to Kim Basinger was destroyed by a pact between Mephistopheles and former Vice-President Dick Cheney.
  • Co-Host Steve Martin will ban all references to his Pink Panther films. Any failure to adhere to this rule will be punished by locking the offender in a room and forcing them to watch both of them.
  • At least one of the red carpet interviewers injure their tongue licking the stilettos of a nominated actress. At least one other will do the "we're not worthy" bow to someone other than Mike Myers.
  • During the opening monologue, for every celebrity that appears happy to be mentioned by the hosts there will be another with a look on their face that says, "Just move on to the next joke if you ever want to work in one of my films again."
  • The Oscar commercials will get higher ratings than the red carpet show ...and better critical reviews.
  • The opening musical number will be based on the themes of Avatar, District 9, and Inglourious Basterds, and will end with Alec Baldwin swinging from a wire, in blue makeup, with antenna, and dressed as a Nazi.** It will receive a standing ovation.
  • The cameraperson responsible for closeups of actresses will get whiplash going back and forth between Sandra Bullock and Meryl Streep. However, the un-nominated Julia Roberts will appear on camera more often than both of them.
  • Someone will joke that Jack Nicholson's sunglasses are 3D glasses from viewing Avatar.  Later, Jack will dunk their head in the caviar vat at Wolfgang Puck's post-show party and bacchanal.
  • At least 12 winners will feign looks of surprise. 5 looks of surprise will be geniune, but in at least one case it will be because the winner mistakenly heard someone else's name called out.
  • There will be a 10 second delay in place, in case Quentin Tarantino wins an award.
  • One of the awards will be co-presented by Quinton Aaron, the gigantic actor from The Blind Side, and Mickey Rooney. The audience will only see Aaron's torso and Rooney's scalp.
  • No one will openly ask why Up is nominated for both Best Animated Feature and Best Picture.
  • The recipient for Best Foreign Language Film will deliver a speech of which 98% of English speakers will not understand a word beyond, "Thank you."
  • The house orchestra will play off at least seven awards winners.  This will not apply to the acting awards and the Best Picture award. During those speeches, the conductor will have his baton taken away and snapped in half, just to be safe.
  • If asked, only 10% of the red carpet participants will be able to tell you what book the film Precious: Based on the Novel "Push" by Sapphire was based on. Of the 10% who can, at least three of them will proclaim their amazement that a novel was written by an inanimate gem.
  • At least one award winner will taking up all the time of their co-winners with his or her thank you speech. Backstage, the co-winners will make their own thank you speech: "Thank you for ruining my $%#*! moment, jackass!"
  • 80% of the television auidence and 75% of the nominees will take a bathroom break during the documentary awards. This will not include me, as I normally do that during the musical numbers.
  • Sacha Baron Cohen will sneak onto the show and appear as a nude Na'vi who attempts to engage Alec Baldwin in a wrestling match. Baldwin will almost take the bait, until he realizes Cohen is not a female.
  • The "In Memoriam" segment of the show will garner large amounts of applause, several tears, and at quite a few mutterings of "I remember them from that kids' film they did."
  • At least one of the commericials tonight will feature either a gecko or a caveman. However, this is true of every American television broadcast since May 12, 2004.
  • Beyonce will appear prominently in at least three of the Best Original Song performances, even if she's not actually performing in them.
  • The presenters for Best Art Direction will speak about the category with more passion than they ever have in their lives.  Twenty minutes later, neither of them will be able to recall from memory who actually won.
  • Commercials containing the lines "an Academy Award winning film" will appear before the Oscars show is over. It won't matter in which category the award is given.
  • The show will be gaudier than a Super Bowl halftime program starring Elton John. (Easiest prediction of the night, every year)
  • Sean Penn will make at least four derogatory references to George W. Bush while presenting Best Costume Design. His co-presenter will shift his or her feet and nervously look away during these moments.
  • None of the award recipients will utter the words "I don't deserve this."
 *I'm a college graduate after all.
**OK, this is a wild guess, but would be an improvement on the last few Oscar openings.

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