Bum-Bum-Da-Bum-Bum, Bum-Bum-Da-Bum-Bum

It's Winter Olympics time and so engrossed have I been with curling and ski pole dancing (a demonstration event at these games, or so I've been told) I've neglected to blog about the exciting events.  So, if you've been too busy following l'affairs Tigre or unimportant things like politics and government, here are a few updates and capsules to give you a fresh and spicy taste of the Vancouver Games.*

• The International Figure Skating Federation removed the Lambada from their compulsories, claiming that it "wasn't trendy enough any more." However, the Macarena, Hustle, and Funky Chicken still required components of the compulsory dance.  In a related story, dancers will no longer be automatically be disqualified for "wardrobe malfunctions," as the Federation feels this will "jack up the television ratings."
• In response to audience demand, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) was considering combining ice skating, baseball, and mixed martial arts into a single sport.  These plans fell through though when the Committee realized they had such a sport at the Games already: ice hockey.
• Four man Bobsled USA Team II was accused of using an illegal propulsion unit on their sled, when flames were seen coming out of the back of the sled during a practice run.  The controversy was settled quickly when the USA driver Crash Slipalot revealed that "the guys in back were just clowning around during that run and lighting farts."  This also resolved the mystery of reports from the Russia II team, who had reported the smell of burning borsch on the track.  It turns out they had been following the USA II team in the practice order.
• Cross-country skiers have had to deal with unusually warm weather for Vancouver. Temperatures have climbed into the 50's (F) forcing the race organizers to have snow trucked in to the course. This has made endurance difficult for the racers. As one racer explained, "It's really hard to keep your heart rate down when you're breathing in all those truck fumes from in front of you."
• Biathlon competitors were faced with unusual difficulties when they discovered that the biathlon shooting range was right alongside the ski-jumping venue.  Several biathletes had their shooting distracted by the ski-jumping in the background. This problem was compounded when a group of rowdy Canadian and American fans started shouting "Pull!" every time a ski-jumper came into view.  Fortunately, injuries have been limited to grazes.  In a related story, ski-jumping distances are down at these games, due to the warmer weather and bullet holes in a majority of the skis.
• Olympic officials have been especially stung by accusations that they are changing events solely for television ratings.  In particular, they have stood by their decision to change Ice Dancing to Ice Dancing with the Stars, and have emphasized that Emmitt Smith, Cloris Leachman, and Donny Osmond are world-class ice people.
• Anticipated viewership for the Women's Super-G skiing event went down significantly after the IOC put out several press releases emphasizing that that the name of the event had nothing to do with the outfits in which the participants would be skiing.

* As seen through the haze of someone who's rapidly becoming too obsessed with skips, hammers, hoglines, ticks, and other curling lingo** to pay attention to much else.
** Anyone else notice that curling lingo is also very similar to backwoods, anti-social loner lingo?