You mess with Harpo Marx, you get the horns.

Monday, January 25, 2010

The Incredible Lobster Bisque!

According to one of Yahoo!'s* ever growing plethora of special issue sites, soup has amazing powers that we humans were heretofore unaware of. The most surprising revelations of the article?

  • Soup can scale a 25 story building in under a minute flat.
  • Cajun varieties of soup have been known to knock the hair off a grown man's chest and put it right back on again.
  • Soup can't cure the common cold, but it can beat the crap out of it in a back alley.
  • Soup has the strength of 10 stews. (Not Stew Miller. It only has the strength of four Stew Millers.)
  • If you stare at beef broth long enough, you will see your reflection! (I was skeptical until I tried it. Amazing!)
  • Soup can work out Pi to a trillion digits.
  • Soup can grow a handlebar moustache. Vegetable soup is especially good at this.
  • It's not surprising that fish soups can all breathe underwater. However, so can chicken soups!
  • If you anger soup, it can scald you, choke you, and poke your eye with a straw.**
  • Soup can heal a broken heart if you pour it in just the right place.
  • Certain varieties of soup dumplings can be used as throw pillows.
  • A tablespoon of soup can cover an entire dress shirt, if spilled in just the right way.*** (Most of you may have already had this experience.)
  • Alphabet soup will communicate with you, if you stir it just right. (Most common message: "Please don't eat me!")
* The exclamation point is required to be included under international law.
** This depends on how you are eating the soup.
*** On the shirt.

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