It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

How to Annoy People - Part 767

One of yesterday's trending topics on Twitter was "How to Annoy People." Quite frankly, this topic is as old as dirt, yet always fresh and timely, given mankind's capacity to annoy their fellow man (and woman, of course).

So naturally, I just have to offer some advice on the subject myself. Annoying, isn't it? (As always, our crack legal advisers remind me to let you know that this "advice" really isn't advice. Only a stupid person would do some* of the following.)

How to Annoy People

  • Take the stairs... on your motorcycle. (Robbie Knievel gets a pass on this, but only if in full Evel costume.)
  • Suck your teeth as you talk, especially when complimenting people on their patience or tolerance.
  • Wear paisley after 1972.
  • Use expressionist brushwork in a surrealist painting. Just saying.
  • Wear high water pants. Mid-calf should generate the strongest effect (not capris, ladies)
  • Replace the word "the" with "What?!" in casual conversation
  • Soggy pretzels - Serving or eating them
  • Confuse the Taliban with the New York Philharmonic in conversation
  • Assume the "noogie" is a warm gesture of friendship
  • Mimes. Yes, I went there.
  • Build a giant house of cards in a wind tunnel. Well, try to.
  • Time travel without a TARDIS.
  • Gratuitously mention the Jonas Brothers just to attract followers. I however would never, ever do that.
  • Wear a tie made of cardboard
  • Impromptu impressions of Thumper from Bambi
  • Impromptu impressions of Flower from Bambi, if you know what I mean
  • Use a salad spinner to deal cards
  • Practice dentistry without a licence. (Please leave me and my family and friends out of this one, if you don't mind.)
  • Answer requests for directions with interpretive dance
  • Take your pet clam for a leash walk. If anything, the scraping sound on the sidewalk will get them.
  • Cracking walnuts during a recital
  • Take your Hummer limo through the drive-thru.
  • Use the phrase "Bad hair day?" in non-applicable situations.
  • Pluto is still a planet, people! I use this one regularly.
  • Hats on dogs. C'mon now, dogs don't like hats! You can see it in their sad little eyes.
  • A week without deodorant. For added effect, try using a variety of European cheeses in its place.
  • Pay everything in pennies by flicking them one at a time at the recipient. Count loudly as you proceed.
  • Clear your throat loudly right at the part of the ceremony wear the pastor says, "If anyone has any reason why this couple should not be joined..."
  • Wear your clothes inside out and when people notice scream, "Someone's turned me inside out!"
  • When ordering food at a drive thru, talk in a voice that sounds electronically garbled.
  • Eat your soup with your salad fork
  • Design an operating system full of errors and then call the repairs a brand new version. (This is the marketing strategy for Windows 7, is it not?)
  • Re-tweet only the most mundane and lame tweets you can find. (Yes, this could be self-serving on my part.)
  • Wearing the pope's hat to a movie theater. You know, the really tall one.**
  • Change your name to a brand of breakfast cereal.
  • Loudly announce your every action: "I'm sitting down now! Gonna have a sip of coffee! Putting the cup down! Going to the little boys’ room next…"
  • Move your franchise late night star to prime time and then change your mind, upsetting everyone else.
  • Drinking coffee as though it were a slurpee
  • Buy the neighbors' kids a pet porcupine
  • Slap fight in church
  • Riding your horse on a trampoline
  • Bring your disco ball to the movie theater
  • Vigorously stretch before mundane tasks, such as shopping or playing poker.
  • Complain about the problems of reconciling quantum mechanics w/ classical probability during a sporting event.
  • Pretend you're Barack Obama and then get annoyed when Michelle doesn't return your calls
  • Eat overstuffed chicken feet sandwiches in public
  • Say anything political to someone you know disagrees with you. It's not always fun, but it does work, judging from Twitter.
  • Don't just sing loud, sing Air Supply tunes loud.
  • When boarding elevator, push all the buttons, and then get right back off on the same floor. It's safer that way.

*Meaning, the stuff I haven't actually done myself.
** Just don't wear the actual Pope's hat as this will annoy the pontiff and he may, justifiably I might add, sic the Swiss Guard on you.

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