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Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Christmas Faux Pas

As is not uncommon this past month or so, my frequent tweets are the inspriation (and partial source) of today's post. We all want to have a great Christmas, so here are some things to avoid so that yours is blessed and free from shameful, ostracising embarassment.

  • When opening Christmas Day presents, a chain saw is surplus to requirements.
  • Santa's elves are not the ones who make Keebler cookies. C'mon! Where would Santa live in that little tree?
  • When topping a Christmas tree, appropriate items include angels and stars. Inappropriate: empty beer cans.
  • The Magi's gifts were "gold, frankensence, and myrrh," NOT "gold, frankenstein, and myrrh."
  • Reported sightings of Santa on radar should NOT be chalked up to disinformation from the USAF and the Men in Black.
  • Santa's bag of toys is by definition "duty-free," no matter what the chaps at the customs office say.
  • Christmas celebrates the birth of our Saviour Jesus Christ and not the day Mr. Macy beat Mr. Gimble in a death match.
  • Christmas nativity scenes should never have Mary dressed in a bikini, not even in Benetton ads.
  • "Groucho, Chico, Harpo, and Zeppo" are Marx Brothers, not names of Santa's reindeer.
  • When running over competing shoppers in stores, never forget to wish them a "Merry Christmas!"
  • Just because Santa dresses in all red doesn't make him a commie.
  • Santa is not Tim Allen or Mickey Rooney in disguise. However, there is an outside chance he may be Burl Ives or Sebastian Cabot.
  • Christmas crackers should never be rigged to actually explode.
  • Parents should never explain to children that Rudolph's nose is red because he "dipped into Santa's scotch cabinet."
  • When evaluating Santa's outfit, it is considered impolite to refer to it as anything other than dead butch. Seriously.
  • When regifting, it's not acceptable to scratch out the names on the original gift tags and write in new ones.
  • The Madonna who married Guy Ritchie is not the Madonna in all the paintings. Not by a long shot.
  • Presents should be placed under Christmas trees to be opened on Christmas Day, not as kindling for a "big'ol Christmas tree bonfire."
  • Taunt Santa's reindeer at your own risk.
  • A proper Christmas gift should be given in love, generousity, and always cost more than its gift wrap.
  • Santa's pipe does not contain hash or other hallucenogenics. Furthermore, Santa is not a "hippy," despite the beard, hat, and tattoos.
  • A roaring fire on Christmas Eve should never be excused to kids by telling them, "You're on the naughty list anyway!"
  • One should practice moderation on Christmas. New Year Eve is the proper holiday in which to get inebriated stupid.
  • Christmas pudding should not contain any form of reindeer in it, unless your goal is to get on the naughty list.
  • When Santa shouts, "Ho, ho, ho!" this is never in reference to Mrs. Claus.
  • Playing "Blue Christmas" repeatedly is excessive. "Christmas with The Chipmunks" more than twice in a row is a death wish.
  • Appropriate ways in which to address Santa include: "Kris Kringle, Father Christmas, Saint Nicholas, Sinterklass, Père Noël, and Babbo Natale." Inappropriate ways to address Santa: "The Great Reindeer and Elf Exploiter," "Father Capitalism," and "Hey, Fatso!"*
  • The star the wise men followed to locate the Christ child was NOT the International Space Station.

Happy Christmas!

* "Lardbutt" and other variations are right out.

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