Christmas Faux Pas
As is not uncommon this past month or so, my frequent tweets are the inspriation (and partial source) of today's post. We all want to have a great Christmas, so here are some things to avoid so that yours is blessed and free from shameful, ostracising embarassment.
- When opening Christmas Day presents, a chain saw is surplus to requirements.
- Santa's elves are not the ones who make Keebler cookies. C'mon! Where would Santa live in that little tree?
- When topping a Christmas tree, appropriate items include angels and stars. Inappropriate: empty beer cans.
- The Magi's gifts were "gold, frankensence, and myrrh," NOT "gold, frankenstein, and myrrh."
- Reported sightings of Santa on radar should NOT be chalked up to disinformation from the USAF and the Men in Black.
- Santa's bag of toys is by definition "duty-free," no matter what the chaps at the customs office say.
- Christmas celebrates the birth of our Saviour Jesus Christ and not the day Mr. Macy beat Mr. Gimble in a death match.
- Christmas nativity scenes should never have Mary dressed in a bikini, not even in Benetton ads.
- "Groucho, Chico, Harpo, and Zeppo" are Marx Brothers, not names of Santa's reindeer.
- When running over competing shoppers in stores, never forget to wish them a "Merry Christmas!"
- Just because Santa dresses in all red doesn't make him a commie.
- Santa is not Tim Allen or Mickey Rooney in disguise. However, there is an outside chance he may be Burl Ives or Sebastian Cabot.
- Christmas crackers should never be rigged to actually explode.
- Parents should never explain to children that Rudolph's nose is red because he "dipped into Santa's scotch cabinet."
- When evaluating Santa's outfit, it is considered impolite to refer to it as anything other than dead butch. Seriously.
- When regifting, it's not acceptable to scratch out the names on the original gift tags and write in new ones.
- The Madonna who married Guy Ritchie is not the Madonna in all the paintings. Not by a long shot.
- Presents should be placed under Christmas trees to be opened on Christmas Day, not as kindling for a "big'ol Christmas tree bonfire."
- Taunt Santa's reindeer at your own risk.
- A proper Christmas gift should be given in love, generousity, and always cost more than its gift wrap.
- Santa's pipe does not contain hash or other hallucenogenics. Furthermore, Santa is not a "hippy," despite the beard, hat, and tattoos.
- A roaring fire on Christmas Eve should never be excused to kids by telling them, "You're on the naughty list anyway!"
- One should practice moderation on Christmas. New Year Eve is the proper holiday in which to get inebriated stupid.
- Christmas pudding should not contain any form of reindeer in it, unless your goal is to get on the naughty list.
- When Santa shouts, "Ho, ho, ho!" this is never in reference to Mrs. Claus.
- Playing "Blue Christmas" repeatedly is excessive. "Christmas with The Chipmunks" more than twice in a row is a death wish.
- Appropriate ways in which to address Santa include: "Kris Kringle, Father Christmas, Saint Nicholas, Sinterklass, Père Noël, and Babbo Natale." Inappropriate ways to address Santa: "The Great Reindeer and Elf Exploiter," "Father Capitalism," and "Hey, Fatso!"*
- The star the wise men followed to locate the Christ child was NOT the International Space Station.
* "Lardbutt" and other variations are right out.