Sweet Empty Calories

I should have known there were just shy of a thousand Hey There Delilah/Aunt Jemima parodies out there when I first mulled the idea over. Nonetheless, I went ahead and finished my own offering to the rapidly growing sub-sub-genre. I've not read any of the others besides a line or two of one I glanced at, so this is as original as I can make it.

Hey There Aunt Jemima

(based on Hey There, Delilah by Plain White Ts' )

Hey there Aunt Jemima, who knew syrup could perturb me?
Well, your taste is quite delicious, but your packaging disturbs me
Yes you do, stereotypes can’t come plainer than you
We know it’s true.

Hey there Aunt Jemima, you make pancakes such a sweet feast,
But I can’t forget the look you had when you were first released
So degradin’. Like the poor lady who won the Oscar in
Gone with the Wind. But…

CHORUS

Oh it’s what you do to me, all these empty calories,
Oh it’s what you do to me, Oh, sweet, empty calories
Sweet, empty calories

Hey there Aunt Jemima, now you’re quite contemporary
While I’m glad your smile is up to date your history’s rather scary,
You don’t agree? Ask Uncle Ben, but it’s no mystery
He’ll side with me.

Hey there Aunt Jemima, I feel so guilty at the fridge,
Could it be I’d feel much better if you looked like Dorothy Dandridge?
I don’t know. Your tasty syrup would pour just as slow,
Pancakes still would glow.

CHORUS

Oh it’s what you do to me, all these empty calories,
Oh it’s what you do to me, Oh, sweet, empty calories

BRIDGE

Now there are other brands to try, I’ve heard Log Cabin’s pretty fly
But Mrs. Butterworth’s is kind of strange
You open up that woman’s head, and syrup pours out like she’d bled,
I’m glad that Hungry Jack’s not that deranged.
Aunt Jemima could it be, my conscience will run over me,
And breakfast will just never be the same, and you’re to blame.

Hey there Aunt Jemima, loved from Rome to Oklahoma
I can’t help myself, I’ll wind up in a diabetic coma
Drinking you, straight out of the bottle, yes it’s true,
I don’t even like pancakes, do you?
Hey there Aunt Jemima here's to you, One more shot of you.

CHORUS

Oh it’s what you do to me, all these empty calories,
Oh it’s what you do to me, I'm getting weak at the knees
Sweet, empty calories.

Mmmmmm...

I'm also working on a Yellow Submarine parody at the moment. I expect I may even record a few of these at some point (heaven help you all).