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Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Oddsies and Endsies

  • Recently, a drunken French youth was nearly killed after falling asleep between the rails of high-speed train track. A train sped over him, but he was left nearly untouched as the train cleared his body with millimetres to spare. According to rescuers who arrived at the scene, the youth responded to assistance by giving everyone "the finger" and going back to sleep.

    The rescuers responded by lowering the train clearance height and then backing over the youth repeatedly until he shouted (screamed, really), "Mon Uncle!" They then beat him senseless with mammoth rounds of cheese and brick-consistency French baguettes.*

    Well, at least in the dream version they did. In the real version, they dragged him to hospital to dry out a state expense where he is expected to fully recover, except for his wits, which have been dealt a fatal blow.

  • Google has come out with it's 17,000th new product of the month. Google Flip creates an online version of print periodicals, particularly newspapers, with virtual front pages that users can flip to get to additional content.

    Several newspapers and magazines are expected to participate, including the Washington Post, Grit, and Bigfoot Monthly.

    Downsides: Layers of spit on computer monitors from people wetting their thumbs to turn the page. Expected Flip Wilson lawsuit.

  • University of Colorado researchers have published a study claiming that microbes infest showerheads. The study, released in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences and Bathers Monthly, reports that a particular strain of bacteria can settle into showerheads and then be blasted into bathers faces when the shower is turned on. Even worse, the water pressure converts the bacteria into easily inhaled aerosol form.

    The good news is that if you are attacked by Norman Bates in the shower, you can turn the nozzle at him, giving him a nasty lung infection to cope with while he disposes of your knife-riddled corpse in the swamp.

    Still, scientists recommend caution, not bathing for months and months, and keeping a large ax in the bathroom, in case Norman shows up whilst you are on the toilet.

  • U.S. Scientists report that one in five domestic male freshwater black bass have been feminised by women's birth control and other hormone-related medications that have found their way into rivers. The feminised bass were identified by their lipstick, their fondness for Dancing with the Stars, and their self-conscious response to being categorised as "domestic."

    Other wildlife problems caused by runoff of commonly used drugs include:

    -Lobsters who have overdosed on Flintstone vitamins are now large and strong enough to sink small ferries.
    -Grey Wolves' exposure to Grecian Formula has turned them all dark brunette.
    -Wolverines have ingested Prozac-tainted water. Wildlife experts describe them as, "Really mellow. Yeah, they'll chew on your leg a bit, but then they relax and just curl up around the stump."
    -Electric Eels who have been exposed to Enzyte have seen no change whatsoever, beside a sudden, paranoid conviction that they are "undersized and undercharged."

* Not a eupehmism, I might add.

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