It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Netanyahu's Magical Mystery Tour

Apparently, many Israelis are in a tizzy about the temporary disappearance of Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu this week. No one was quite sure where he was at. People only knew three things: He wasn't in Tel Aviv, he wasn't in Jerusalem, and he wasn't at a clandestine meeting with an Argentian mistress.

Some rumours suggest he was meeting with Russian officals about security issues, but our calls to the Kremlin are blocked due to our previous policy of repeatedly prank calling them for orders of "borscht pizza," and the one time we got Putin to believe that he'd won 100 rubles for correctly guessing that Yoko Ono was the fifth Beatle. (As we all know, it was Peter Lawford.)

So, we're left guessing, which as regular readers know is pretty much the way we like it anyway. So, without further adu, here are my suggestions for where Prine Minister Netanyahu might have been all week:

  • Spent the week working out so as to look extra buff for future negotiating sessions with the Palestinian authority.
  • 2nd place in World Trampoline Championships.
  • Finally decided to try special week-long Rogaine treatment.
  • Guest appearance on U2 World Tour as backup vocalist.
  • Bowling, bowling, bowling! (Ten-pin, of course)
  • Got matching tattoos with Natalie Portman on a dare.
  • Disappointing third-place finish in Food Network International Relations-themed Cake Challenge.
  • Guest appearance on Simpson's as Apu's distant Israeli cousin, Benji.
  • Decided it was the last chance to grow a really good handlebar moustache before he got too old.
  • Rockin' High School Reunion, followed by lengthy hangover recovery.
  • Scored two goals for Israel in World Cup qualifying but then sent off in 75th minute with a second yellow for dissent .
  • Wanted to build that back porch and deck he's been putting off for years.
  • Found a really great deli in Minsk and lost track of time.
  • Took four wickets for Yorkshire in thrilling draw with Worcestershire.
  • Stood in line for two days for tickets to Daniel Craig and Hugh Jackman Broadway play. Later wrote a review calling it "a turgid disappointment."
  • Engrossed in Imogen Heap's new release. Hums "First Train Home" everywhere now.

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