It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Friday, July 24, 2009

News Regarding Our Kitty Overlords

According to LiveScience.com*, cats control humans.

It took them this long to work that out? I've known for years that humans are the willing puppets of cats. What other animal can spend the majority of their time bringing dead rodents into the house, shredding the furniture with their claws, racing around wild-eyed after imbibing herbs, ambushing children, boxing other family pets, destroying household plants, get themselves stuck in trees, stink up the house with a poop box, and at the end of the day still get called "Sweetums" by their bamboozled human caretakers?

They do it by hypnotizing us with their lunatic antics. See this for example.

Madness? Of course, but people fall for it every time. When funny cat videos appear on telly at our home, the missus and the Littlest Fando immediately perk up in anticipation of comical deranged feline behaviour, and I, dupe that I am, do the same. Then, later on when I see a cat on the street, even though I know that it is a clawed, fanged creature with a brain equivalent to a psychopath on crack cocaine, the first words out of my mouth are, "Good kitty, kitty, kitty!"

We repeat the words because of the hypnosis.

No, it's only a matter of time before cats achieve some semblance of their dream world, where dogs are enslaved and human beings are mental jello before their tiny, furry, razor-sharp feet. We'll be serving them dishes of gourmet fishy pate and scratching their every itch, and... waitaminute. That's already happening, isn't it?

Obviously, the aliens over at Hulu.com have got nothing on cats.

What can we do to prevent this fiendish plot from coming to fruition? Empower dogs, protect fish, spaying and neutering, rolled-up newspapers, tasers, bazookas, air to surface missiles? The cats will simply dodge all these in highly amusing fashion.

No, our only choice is subterfuge, primarily through invective. Call a cat an idiot today. It will not only be true, but it might save you from years of servitude to these brain-dead, fluffy, bouncy, cute as a button... Good kitty, kitty, kitty!

As you can see, we have quite a task before us.

*As opposed to DeadScience.com where they've got a lovely write-up today on the relationship between the four humours and theraputic bleeding. Unfortunately, there's no link, as their steam-powered server is down again.

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