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Sunday, July 12, 2009

Proof that things at Newcastle United have gone bananas

Behold Newcastle's 2009-10 away strip. Perfect for inspiring dozens of obscene songs from Championships sides next season, many of them involving urine.*

Here are twelve excuses Newcastle United might offer for this monstrosity.

  • The uniform design was chosen to honour their new sponsors Chiquita Bananas.
  • They were supposed to be violet, but the red ink cartridge ran out on the ink jet in the team office.
  • Owner Mike Ashley suggested the colour based on something he saw on the ground after a few too many at a match.**
  • Someone suggested that if United's players looked like cowards, they might sneak up on some of the stronger Championship sides.
  • Newcastle Brown Ale wanted something close to the shade of its product. Unfortunately, they meant before it entered the body.
  • The uniforms were coated with a radioactive substance in hopes they will give players super-mutant powers.
  • They hope that opposing players will fall into a hypnotic trance, giving Newcastle an extra two or three shots on goal per game.
  • Players are camouflaged to look like the sun. This will cause opposing players to look away for fear of blindness. The fans are on their own, though.***
  • Awful uniforms are the perfect distraction from awful football.
  • Yellow is secretly Alan Shearer's favourite colour.
  • You try designing a uniform with 50,000 screaming Geordie fans outside your office.
  • Total apathy on the part of the design staff ...Just like some of the players.

*As an Arsenal fan, I really don't care all that much. I have great sympathy for the pain of Geordies' faced with one or more years of second division football, but I'm also happy Wolves are up in the Premiership, so things have balanced out for me, personally, FWIW.
** It was a match against Arsenal, if you must know.
*** Bonus: Many English referees will be unaffected, having lost their sight in referee school.

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