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Thursday, June 18, 2009

Footy Notes

A few notes regarding the Confederations Cup in South Africa and world football in general.

  • The U.S. was voted the team most likely to have a player do something stupid to get hastily sent off by an overzealous referee, after Sacha Kljestan was sent off in the second half for a late tackle on Ramires. Prediction: The Americans will have a player sent off before the start of play against Egypt for not having his shoelaces tied properly.
  • FIFA has announced that the notorious vuvuzela horn will probably be allow at next summer's World Cup in Africa. The horn, derived from a traditional Zulu instrument, is played by many fans during games, creating a loud, annoying sound that exactly mimics the sound effects from 1974's Killer Bees, starring Gloria Swanson. Others* have described the sound as being like "the flatulence of a billion hummingbirds" and "a million angry Harpo Marxes." FIFA did admit that had they known about the popularity of the horn they would have awarded the World Cup to Germany again.
  • Egypt beat Italy one-nil. Italy made the fatal mistake of mistiming a dive for a penalty, whilst the Egyptian forward was heading his goal in their box.
  • New Zealand was the first Confederations Cup participant to have been mathematically eliminated from the semifinals before they got off the plane in South Africa.
  • North Korea qualified for the World Cup Finals for the first time since 1966. Premier Kim Jong Il was reportedly so happy he downgraded his recent threats. North Korea will now retaliate to military action only a hundred times over.**
  • FIFA ordered the removal of sideline televisions at the Confederations Cup after coaches complained that they were distracting their players, who would stop and pose during play.
  • Iran was eliminated from qualification from the World Cup Finals. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad responded by announcing that he was a sea turtle and dancing around a burning Volvo for ninety minutes.

* Me, in this article. It really is the most annoying thing I've ever heard, apart from Truman Capote's voice, Tommy Wiseau's acting, and the song Hello, George.
*Reportedly, it was the first time he jumped in his jump suit since his dance with Madeline Albright.

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