If we wanted to use more than 140 characters, we'd be writing more here.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Twitter is the Worst

Demented clowns, pseudo-celebrities, and demi-comedians are the only sorts of people I know of who Twitter. I find no use for it. To be perfectly honest, I am Five Times Better than Twitter, so I could never do humanity the disservice of seeming to qualify its existence by using it. Nevertheless, I don't want Mr. Earl Fando to feel that his Twitter topical suggestions were ignored, so I have decided to answer them here in this blog. Mind you, I am putting the actual answers rather than some half-hearted and half-intestined attempt at being funny.

* #sasquatchpickuplines = "Girl, you jus' walked out of the grainy 8mm film, right into my heart."

* #thingsifoundinmytoes = a nest of baby wolf spiders

* #3rhymingwords = Stipple, whipple, dripple

* #crapdognames = Murderhorse, Luciferpoop, Meadow Attack Franklin, Chuice

* #crappoliticalslogans = "Vote for me, and I'll kill every single last one of you who voted for me."

* #5lastwords = "Careful, that elephant has explosive diarrhea."

* #crapiambicpentameter = "down up down up down up down up I go."

* #tarzanpickuplines = blah blah blah innuendo about banana

* #crapmenuitems = Braised Seahorse Dung with Udon Noodle and Dolphin Ovaries pan-seared in a Pie Crust made of ground Mermaid Toenails.

* #sqirrelsihaveknown = Bob, Tony, Sissy, One-Thousand McGregorton, Tiny John Pantsbiter, Acorn Breath O'Steppedupon, Sandwich Jones, Tree-top Terrence Toss-Rocks-At, Ziploc Bag Resident Smith, Car-Friend Flattyford, Sauce Williams, Inbred Supper Davidson

* #unlikelynessiehidingplaces = Loch Ness, Earth, Reality

* #crapsandwichcombos = Mud 'N Suffering on Rye with Rotten Asparagus Soup, The Big Fat Reginald wif' Mayonnaise and Salted Vinegar Cherries, Crushed Puke with a side of Roasted Chives, Jackie Chan's Shoe Scrapings on Whole Wheat Toast with Moldy Carrots

* #crapfootballnicknames = Seaweed Remainders, The Toppy Toppingtops, Fruity Baskets, The Soccer Players, American Hat Fanciers

* #wherearemysocks = Feet, Pocket, Mouth, Abdominal Cavity, Your House, ditch behind cemetery

* #craporchestranames = The Carl Buttly Fifteen Piece Brass Nightmare, The Tea and Sandwich Time Prancing String 'n Woodwind Naptime Band, The Podiddly Kansas Performing "Special" Weekend Orchestra

* #worstpickledfood = Lard, Manure, Shoe, Spider, Mutilated sparrow carcass

* #terminatorpickuplines = "I'll be [insert rude word] back."

There you go. The official answers for every category. Live it. Love it.


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