Holiday Advice

Well, it's that holiday season! Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and Festivus (for the completely cynical Seinfeld fan) have arrived. Of course, everyone wants to celebrate, have fun, and most of all ...not look like an idiot. After all, nothing hurts worse than hearing taunts like "Bennie doesn't know the difference between a kinara and a menorrah!" or "Tonya's so stupid she thinks Santa Claus is the patron saint of chimneys!" or "Earl's such a nimrod he only asked for underwear for Christmas!"*

So here's some advice on things to avoid during the season of celebration.

• Avoid all jokes that begin with the words, "How do we know Santa's a pimp," and end with the phrase "Ho, ho, ho!"
• Stockings hung above the fireplace should not be made of lace and do not require a garter.
• The menorrah is a symbol of the light God provided Israel, not a cigarette lighter.
• You should dress appropriately for all of the above holidays. A loincloth with a mistletoe sprig for a hat is completely inappropriate attire, especially at Midnight Mass.
• Kwanzaa was not invented by The Reverend Jesse Jackson, President Barack Obama, or Kunta Kinte.
• The gifts of the Magi were gold, frankencense, and myrrh, not gift cards to Romano's Macaroni Grill.**
• Santa does not wear red because he's a "commie."
• In the U.S. people say, "Merry Christmas!" In the U.K., "Happy Christmas!" In Mexico, "Feliz Navidad!" In France, "Joyeux Noël!" Nowhere in the world do people greet each other for Christmas with the words, "Up your chimney with a candy cane!" Not even in the Bronx.
• None of Santa's reindeer are named Barbie.***

* A completely different Earl, I assure you.
**However, the authors of this blog will happily accept any donations of the latter; unless of course you want to send us gold instead.
*** Also, Rudolph's nose does not glow because he's an alcoholic, so stop telling your kids that.

Christmas Faux Pas

As is not uncommon this past month or so, my frequent tweets are the inspriation (and partial source) of today's post. We all want to have a great Christmas, so here are some things to avoid so that yours is blessed and free from shameful, ostracising embarassment.

• When opening Christmas Day presents, a chain saw is surplus to requirements.
• Santa's elves are not the ones who make Keebler cookies. C'mon! Where would Santa live in that little tree?
• When topping a Christmas tree, appropriate items include angels and stars. Inappropriate: empty beer cans.
• The Magi's gifts were "gold, frankensence, and myrrh," NOT "gold, frankenstein, and myrrh."
• Reported sightings of Santa on radar should NOT be chalked up to disinformation from the USAF and the Men in Black.
• Santa's bag of toys is by definition "duty-free," no matter what the chaps at the customs office say.
• Christmas celebrates the birth of our Saviour Jesus Christ and not the day Mr. Macy beat Mr. Gimble in a death match.
• Christmas nativity scenes should never have Mary dressed in a bikini, not even in Benetton ads.
• "Groucho, Chico, Harpo, and Zeppo" are Marx Brothers, not names of Santa's reindeer.
• When running over competing shoppers in stores, never forget to wish them a "Merry Christmas!"
• Just because Santa dresses in all red doesn't make him a commie.
• Santa is not Tim Allen or Mickey Rooney in disguise. However, there is an outside chance he may be Burl Ives or Sebastian Cabot.
• Christmas crackers should never be rigged to actually explode.
• Parents should never explain to children that Rudolph's nose is red because he "dipped into Santa's scotch cabinet."
• When evaluating Santa's outfit, it is considered impolite to refer to it as anything other than dead butch. Seriously.
• When regifting, it's not acceptable to scratch out the names on the original gift tags and write in new ones.
• The Madonna who married Guy Ritchie is not the Madonna in all the paintings. Not by a long shot.
• Presents should be placed under Christmas trees to be opened on Christmas Day, not as kindling for a "big'ol Christmas tree bonfire."
• Taunt Santa's reindeer at your own risk.
• A proper Christmas gift should be given in love, generousity, and always cost more than its gift wrap.
• Santa's pipe does not contain hash or other hallucenogenics. Furthermore, Santa is not a "hippy," despite the beard, hat, and tattoos.
• A roaring fire on Christmas Eve should never be excused to kids by telling them, "You're on the naughty list anyway!"
• One should practice moderation on Christmas. New Year Eve is the proper holiday in which to get inebriated stupid.
• Christmas pudding should not contain any form of reindeer in it, unless your goal is to get on the naughty list.
• When Santa shouts, "Ho, ho, ho!" this is never in reference to Mrs. Claus.
• Playing "Blue Christmas" repeatedly is excessive. "Christmas with The Chipmunks" more than twice in a row is a death wish.
• Appropriate ways in which to address Santa include: "Kris Kringle, Father Christmas, Saint Nicholas, Sinterklass, Père Noël, and Babbo Natale." Inappropriate ways to address Santa: "The Great Reindeer and Elf Exploiter," "Father Capitalism," and "Hey, Fatso!"*
• The star the wise men followed to locate the Christ child was NOT the International Space Station.

Happy Christmas!

* "Lardbutt" and other variations are right out.

The Worst of the Christmas (Special) Season

It's that time of year, the time when both children and adults are filled with joy and cheer, the time when people look back to a little town called Bethlehem and the miraculous gift given over 2000 years ago.

Unless you're a network executive. Then it's the ho-hum, jingle-jangly sound of advertising cash as Frosty dances about, Santa gets his name from the pendant his parents abandoned him with, and the only mention of stars are the type at the top of the Rockefeller Centre Christmas Tree (TM) and the overexposed (in more ways than one) celebrities appearing at the lighting special.

Still, better than some of the "holiday" specials television has and will offer up. The worst of the lot are below. I shudder at the thought.

**********

The Worst Television Christmas Specials of All Time

• An Oliver Stone Christmas
• Santa Got Run Over by a Reindeer
• Rudolph the Red-Nosed Lush
• An Evening at an Empty Canterbury Cathedral (BBC Exclusive)
• A Very Beyonce X-mas
• Frosty, The Dysfunctional Spouse
• Richard Nixon's Christmas Luau
• A Crack House Christmas
• Christmas at Woodstock
• Crazy Ole' Kris Kringle (An ABC Afterschool Special)
• 50 Ways to Prepare Reindeer
• An Al Queda Christmas (An Al-Jazeera Exclusive)

And for our friends celebrating other holidays this season, here are the very worst of those specials:

• Richard Nixon's Hanukkah BBQ
• A Festival of Lights, with Yasser Arafat
• Dynamite Menorah
• A Very Farrakhan Hanukkah
• The Killer Maccabees
• The Pat Boone Family Kwanzaa Festival
• Richard Nixon's Kwanzaa Lutefisk Bake-Off
• Kwanzaapolooza

Kinda makes Frosty the Snowman tolerable by comparison, don't you think?