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Friday, December 24, 2010

Holiday Advice

Well, it's that holiday season! Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and Festivus (for the completely cynical Seinfeld fan) have arrived. Of course, everyone wants to celebrate, have fun, and most of all ...not look like an idiot. After all, nothing hurts worse than hearing taunts like "Bennie doesn't know the difference between a kinara and a menorrah!" or "Tonya's so stupid she thinks Santa Claus is the patron saint of chimneys!" or "Earl's such a nimrod he only asked for underwear for Christmas!"*

So here's some advice on things to avoid during the season of celebration.

  • Avoid all jokes that begin with the words, "How do we know Santa's a pimp," and end with the phrase "Ho, ho, ho!"
  • Stockings hung above the fireplace should not be made of lace and do not require a garter.
  • The menorrah is a symbol of the light God provided Israel, not a cigarette lighter.
  • You should dress appropriately for all of the above holidays. A loincloth with a mistletoe sprig for a hat is completely inappropriate attire, especially at Midnight Mass.
  • Kwanzaa was not invented by The Reverend Jesse Jackson, President Barack Obama, or Kunta Kinte.
  • The gifts of the Magi were gold, frankencense, and myrrh, not gift cards to Romano's Macaroni Grill.**
  • Santa does not wear red because he's a "commie."
  • In the U.S. people say, "Merry Christmas!" In the U.K., "Happy Christmas!" In Mexico, "Feliz Navidad!" In France, "Joyeux Noël!" Nowhere in the world do people greet each other for Christmas with the words, "Up your chimney with a candy cane!" Not even in the Bronx.
  • None of Santa's reindeer are named Barbie.***
* A completely different Earl, I assure you.
**However, the authors of this blog will happily accept any donations of the latter; unless of course you want to send us gold instead.
*** Also, Rudolph's nose does not glow because he's an alcoholic, so stop telling your kids that.

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