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Tuesday, November 02, 2010

You Never Know What'll Happen in Politics!

The U.S. mid-term elections are tomorrow night, and given that Congressional and Senate races are as unpredictable as Randy Quaid is these days, who knows what will happen?

OK, I was lying. Everyone seems to the think the GOP are poised for ginormous pickups. Even Keith Olbermann is probably secretly stockpiling Intrade futures on Sharon Angle.* I do think there will be a few massive surprises though.

The 2010 Mid-Term Elections' Biggest Surprises (as told by Earl Fando)

  • The Alaska Senate seat is shockingly won by the write-in candidate, former Detroit Tigers 3rd baseman Phil Mankowski.
  • 98 people announce they are running for President in 2012. Half of them are people who have just been elected to Congress.
  • The Washington Senate race ends in a tie. The race is decided by a 100 year old Washington law decreeing mud wrestling as the solution for political draws. No one knows who the winner is until they are hosed off the next day.
  • Fox News calls the Senate for the GOP by 4:30 p.m. EDT.
  • MSNBC calls the House when Talk show host Ed Schultz announces "I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not gonna take it any more!"
  • Charlie Sheen declares he will run in the 2012 elections. He is quoted as saying that he "finally feels scandalous enough to run for office." He states he has not chosen a race but will decide after a long conversation with his favorite brand of tequila. The most common questions reporters ask Mr. Sheen is, "Would you kindly put your clothes back on?"
  • Joe Biden calls Nancy Pelosi repeatedly to congratulate her on her new job as Speaker of the House.
  • Newt Gingrich shows up at Senate majority leader Harry Reid's election party, laughing manaically into a megaphone.
  • Florida Governor Charlie Crist claims that the person who really asked Democrat Kendrick Meek to withdraw from the Florida Senate race was none other than world famous author Salman Rushdie, who, unsurprisingly, was unavailable for comment.
  • President Obama apologizes for his recent "enemies" comment and vows in future to only refer to Republicans as "my best friends, bosom buddies, and lifelong pals."
  • At 2 a.m., Karl Rove surprises everyone by playing the Dukes of Hazzard theme song with arm farts.
  • The Democratic National Committee announces that they are changing the Democrat mascot from the donkey to a picture of a deer in the headlights.
  • Sarah Palin reveals on Fox News that she and Tina Fey are really the same person**
*And swearing like the schoolmarm in Blazing Saddles as he does.
** She also reveals the subtle differences between saying "you betcha" and "you &%$@!" and to which audiences to apply each.

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