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Thursday, September 16, 2010

No Ma'am, I Never Meant to Rock You at All

The trending topic that had everyone buzzing on Twitter last night was #rockretractions. (In fact, as of this writing, it's still surging along on Twitter, if you want to play.) Lots of people were posting them, including a fair number of well-known Tweeters*: "Weird Al" Yankovic, James Lileks, Adam Baldwin, Harry Shearer, the guy from IMAO (who managed the Twitter equivalent of a Rickroll with one of his - impressive**), etc.

I won't bother to explain the joke, as it will be pretty obvious from my own prolific contributions to the topic. Just in case you're interested, here they are (with a few slight edits to offer extra blogging value!)  It's kind of like a crazy pop culture quiz:


  • Yeah, I know I said "any way you want it" but it only comes with pickles, mustard, ketchup and these crappy fries.
  • Perhaps "love" is a bit strong, but I am somewhat fond of LA.
  • Forget about me already! Sheesh!
  • Instead of taking me to Funkytown, how about I take you to Walgreens for some air freshener, and roll-on.
  • You can turn around. Der Comissar's at EuroDisney.
  • On second thought, Amadeus, just mind your own damn business.
  • OK, I confess. I was born on the Canadian side of Niagra Falls.
  • Love cuts like a skill saw.
  • His name was Jack but hers was Ethel.
  • Don't put your hand inside the puppet head! I put a rat trap in there. 
  • I thought I felt it comin' in the air tonight, but it turned out to be gophers, underfoot. Boy, do I feel stupid!
  • I never kissed the sky. It was actually a fogbank.
  • Turns out I was crazy. That's why I thought I was impaired!
  • I never so much "ruled the world" as bullied my pet hamsters and the guy who sleeps on the stoop outside.
  • If I lay here, if I just lay here ...would you get up and fetch me a beer?
  • I checked with corporate and I have to apologize. You really are the boss of me.
  • It wasn't a sex farm at all. It was a sex ranch.
  • Turns out, I was working on a Guatelmalan radio.
  • It turns out, Joe DiMaggio was sellin' coffee on the television the whole time!  
  • You're on your own, Major Tom. 
  • It was really my Pinochle face.
  • I pretty much get fooled every election.
  • You can put me in coach, but I've got a massive hangover.
  • Major Tom actually never left earth. He got lost in the television studio. #rockconspiracies
  • Were the end of the world to happen, I would probably be in a world of hurt.
  • Those only reason I was singing "Fire!" is because Peter Buck gave me a hot foot during that take.
  • Leave those old records on the shelf. I've got them on my iPod, now.
  • Like a bridge over troubled water, eventually, I will buckle and collapse into a wet, messy pile of junk.
  • As it turns out, folks don't lend a hand at all in a hell hole.
  • They were really dull, miserable people.
  • Yes, yes, yes let's start! This is the best part!
  • Baby, love's got everything to do with it!
  • Time is flowing like Heinz ketchup.
  • The levy was filled deep and loaded with bass. I fished for hours.
  • Hell yes, we started the fire!
  • The only reason there was smoke on the water is because we put the fire out.
  • Do not take me on. You'd whip me in a fair fight and then I really would be gone. Doo doo doo doo dooooooo. 
  • Ricky didn't blow her mind. It was the Colt 45.
  • Ricky didn't blow her mind, it was the malt liquor. #twitterretractions
  • I have 57 photographs of you and I spend all day wishing.
  • The answer was blowing in my bong.
  • Some people are roller skating USA.
  • I like eagles, but I really flew like a Gypsy Moth.
  • It was more like a hop, rather than a jump. 
  • She was just an above-average freak. 
  • On second thought, stay over there Eileen. You smell a bit. 
  • Our house was really in the garden like other houses.
  • We would like to rock you, but we have weak arms.
  • I would never, ever shock a real monkey. 
  • Actually, that smells like teen flopsweat.
  • Actually, if you feel it, it probably is there ...at least if it's a tomahawk.
  • I can live with or without you. I mean, otherwise, I'd be dead already.
  • They really only call me Mr. Love, Esq.
  • Not only will I be your beast of burden, I will paint your house.
  • I exaggerated. Dude looks like one of those Redskins fans with the dresses and the pig noses.
  • We can't dance at all, much less when we want to. It would be dangerous.
  • Actually, we only burned down the "outhouse."
  • As it turns out, she wasn't actually an evil woman. She was oppositional-defiant.
  • I know we said "Don't look back," but then we started to think, "What if some creepy guy's behind us?"
Yes, yes I love this topic. How did you guess?

*Normally, I refer to we denizens of Twitter as "Twits" but really, only a few of us merit that nomenclature.
** To get the full effect, you have to imagine it being said in the Darth Vader voice.

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